That Insecurity Thing Pops Up Again

For all my “I-don’t-give-a-shit” bravado, there are many times when I really do give a shit about things that I probably should not let bother me. This is one of them.

I don’t think I have an abnormal desire to be liked — anymore. When I was younger I desperately wanted to fit in and did whatever I could to be one of the gang. Admittedly it was a pretty odd gang I wanted to belong to — the geeks, nerds, D&D addicts and assorted smart kids I gravitated towards. In college it got a little tougher because the “normal” kids much more prevalent than us geeks. This was back in the era before being a geek was a badge of honor. I tried to make people like me by joining in their self-destructive activities and did a fine job of destroying myself as well in my pursuit of companionship. The older I got, the less I became interested in making friends on other people’s terms and ended up creating my own path. It has been a much healthier way.

The above recollection and reflection doesn’t mean that I don’t get angsty now and then when I seem to be able to make a connection with people in the scene. The worst for me is when I desire to be friends with a person who doesn’t want to be friends with me and I have no idea why not. It’s frustrating for me because it makes me feel clueless which adds to my insecurity. I go through the litany that everyone goes through: Did I say or do something to offend them? Is there something about me I don’t see that turns them off? Am I a jerk? I know that I’m often beating my head against a wall for no reason because sometimes people don’t click for a variety of reasons — it just bothers me when I like the other person and they want to have nothing to do with me. It’s too unbalanced. I much prefer the kind of personality clashes where both people can’t wait to get away from each other — it’s much neater that way.

It’s foolish and I realize that it is. I say to myself that I should concentrate on the friends I do have and not worry about the ones that don’t care to know me. But it’s not as simple as that. It becomes a mystery and one that’s directly tied in to my personal growth. I’ve invested many years in trying to make myself a better person and take making friends as one sign that I’ve improved over the years. When someone doesn’t like me and I don’t know why, it sits there like a puzzle that I have no solution for because the key is only held by the person who doesn’t like me and they’re not talking.

I’m on vacation at a lovely lake front rental and I’m angsty. Par for the course.


6 Responses to “That Insecurity Thing Pops Up Again”

  1. Rad,

    I know what you mean, about all of it. Some of us are just that way. When I can’t understand the “why” of something, esp. if it has to do with interpersonal stuff, it tends to bug me. I don’t know any better way to deal with it than what you are doing already.

    If it helps, I think you are handling it pretty well. You realize that there is nothing you can do to change things. Eventually it will become something that is easier to accept, at least that is how it works for me.


  2. I think what your feeling is normal, everyone wants to be liked, and when someone doesn’t like us back, well, its kind of like when you want something all the more when you can’t have it. If you get what I mean. I think that your quite a likable guy, if I may? I find that sometimes you come off as someone whom is unapproachable, not because of anything more than that you are kind of shy and reticent about coming forward to speak to someone whom you perceive as being beyond you, its just my observation of course, and opinion. Enjoy your vacation and try not to spend to much time pondering the how and why. Sometimes we just all think to much for our own good.

  3. Thank for the comments above. I know that in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter but it can’t change the fact that something feels “off” when someone has some problem with me that I’m not privy to.

    • Rad, This reallly spoke to me. I get hurt when someone who says they are my friend takes forever to reply to an e mail I send or worse yet never responds. It does suck when you treat people right and yet they have a reason to dislike you. I feel I dwell on things too. I also know it is healthier not to. I try to focus on being the best person I can be and I know who my true friends are.

      • When it comes to friends I have not getting back to me, I tend to give them some time and then move on with my life. If they get back to me eventually, fine, if not, well, I’ve moved on.

  4. I feel like this often. Seriously. I often wonder what I’ve done, when I did, how I can fix it, etc. and if I can’t think of anything it drives me even more crazy.

    It’s a hard situation to deal with.

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