My Struggle

Whatever you do, do not translate the title into German. Bad thing.

As the years progress, I work towards a place in my life that creates balance — a center. This is true in all walks of life including the scene.

I have spent a lifetime being mostly competitive but in a selective way. I know my strengths and weaknesses so I know which areas to focus on. I am a shitty athlete, always have been. A completely uncoordinated mess that has a hard time catching a ball or knocking down pins. For lack of a better word, I suck at it. This is why I never really engaged in sports, not even for fun. Being competitive and not being able to compete is frustrating especially when you’re competing with people who think everything is the Olympics. Too intense. I have gravitated towards more intellectual and creative pursuits because that’s what I’m good at. I enjoy writing and messing around with bits of audio — the latter so much that I made it into my career. I’m good at video games that require one to think rather than simply mash buttons. However, even with video games, I tend to shy away from ones that require me to go head to head with people who see the destruction of other players as their goal in life. That removes the “fun” from the activity. Give me a nice predictable AI opponent and an actual chance of advancement — I’ll be very happy with that.

The spanking scene holds many of the same challenges for me. I participate, I blog, I made a couple of videos and I had/have fun doing all those things. There are times, though, when I feel that I’m competing with other people for some form of supremacy. Supremacy of what? If a particular Top is prolific and has a desire to be prolific, do I have to match him partner for partner to feel satisfied? If I write five hundred words per blog should I compete with the person that writes one or two thousand words? If someone is “known” in the scene, should I try to see how much prestige this person has and try to match or surpass that level to feel important? Having a competitive nature, I sometimes feel inadequate if I don’t push as hard as other people seem to do. The dark heart of me wants to do those things — the little glowing green ember inside me that whispers on occasion that I’m not good enough compared with some person over there.

I’ve worked on myself very hard over the past couple of decades. Most recently, I’ve employed a therapist to help me work on some aspects of my life that I’ve held on to for far too long — issues relating to my job, my school years and especially my family. This self-examination has been an incredibly beneficial thing in my life as it’s afforded me a chance to see my life from different angles and to find a way to separate those things that are important away from those that are not. The one thing that I struggle with on a regular basis is letting go of feelings of envy or jealousy especially when they involve competitiveness. Simply put, my goal is to not care about things that have no real bearing on my happiness. I have a coworker who is fond of saying, “It doesn’t matter”, whenever the subject involves things that one cannot do anything about. I want to be able to incorporate that philosophy for things that really hold little importance in the grand scheme of things such as competing for trophies that hold little value in and of themselves.

I suppose then that this is my message on a date that will forever be a proper noun. There are things that are important to me and things that only hold as much importance as I’m willing to assign to them. One can live and die with the fortunes of a sports club but it’s better to embrace the things you enjoy about it that make you happy and let go of those that don’t. The scene makes me happy in many, many ways. It adds to my feelings of fulfillment (at least in a sexual way) but is only one tiny facet of life. Finding that center where I can wake up and go to bed at night feeling content is far more important than spending my time worrying about achieving badges of honor — unless obtaining them will get me to the next level so I can get the Armor of Invisibility. I’ll leave the competition to Steve Jobs, Donald Trump and any number of steroid aficionados who purport to be athletes. If I want my heart to race, I’ll drink coffee.

Have some fun today.


8 Responses to “My Struggle”

  1. I think it’s on ongoing struggle, even when you do get to the point where you can say ‘it doesn’t matter.” and it really doesn’t. Your natural inclination to bristle and compare yourself may always be present. The ‘reptilian’ part of you that is wired that way. Then, of course, you will recognize it, asses its true importance to your life and happiness, as you say, and move on. 🙂

    And hopefully be able to truly let it go.

    In the scene, I used to be like that. Update my blog as much as others, post stories at certain frequencies, compete for posts, and POV’s and responses. Then, I got to a comfortable place. I am who I am, my friends are who they are; those who like me do, those who don’t do not; if I don’t update for 2 months because I am busy, big deal. The ones truly interested to keep checking will be there when I return. I’m not interested in hob-nobbing with all the big names, altho I do indeed have some ‘known’ names as very close friends.

    In the big picture, it really does not matter. At all.


    • I suppose in the end this blog was about a kind of atonement or amends that I needed to make — not to anyone else but to myself. I don’t mean to be hard on myself for feeling things that a lot of other people also feel, I just don’t like to be in a place that I’m trying to extract myself from. The road to my own happiness comes from challenging myself to do things for their own sake not because I’m trying to get ahead in some self-imposed race.

  2. Hi Rad,

    I think I speak for many readers when I tell you that I love your blog for you. Your views arrive straight up in a glass – no mixer, no ice, no olive, no salt, no little umbrella. If you tried to emulate someone else, you would lose that impact and immediacy.

    Thanks for being and blogging who you are!


  3. Bonnie, I’m a fan of Radspace too. And I think working with a good therapist can be incredibly useful, it’s amazing that there used to be a social stigma associated with therapy back in the 1960’s. Most of us could use a coach sometimes.

    But the competitive thing Rad talks about is almost everywhere. Musicians, sports fans, video-gamers, who knows, maybe even bloggers? Perhaps it’s just a mental/emotional kind of vestigial tail left over from when it was a survival trait?

    • As far as therapy is concerned, I think that that anyone can get to a point where the stresses of life become so intense that they are not able to separate them out enough to deal with them individually. It becomes one huge jumble of stress with no end in sight. Therapy works for me because it allows me a forum to talk things out and discover things about me that I did not know all because I never really focused on trying to find the answer.

  4. Hi.

    I know that we haven’t ever met face to face, in all likelihood, may never. I just wanted to tell you that I agree with everything the people that have commented before me have said.

    I had/have a friend since high school who literally kept me alive many times. She had a neat philosophy. It has helped me out many times over the years. Simple to remember, takes years to actually master. She called it the “fuck it” philosophy. Really. If you can’t fix it, control it, or use it for your own good, then “fuck it”. She had a similar philosophy about other people’s opinions. The only difference was that she called that one “fuck them” 🙂

    As a person who took up way too much time worrying about what others thought, judged myself too much, worried way too often that I wasn’t good enough, yes, I feel you.

    I really agree with Bonnie where she says that you should just be you. That is why I like to read your posts and your tweets. You say exactly what you mean and there is no tip-toeing around it. I love that about you and would be really let down if you tried to be anyone else!

    Keep writing. We will keep reading.


    • I certainly put things into different categories now — what’s actually important to me and everything else. The “everything else” category is the catch all for everything that either doesn’t matter or, as you say, has the “fuck it” label attached.

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