The Rules Of Attraction Redux

Yes, it’s true. I’ve been completely neglecting my writing here while spending nearly all of my time on other pursuits. So I’ve been over on the left leaning news blogs mixing it up with the other radicals like me (and making fun of Glenn Beck) as well as selling shit like crazy over on eBay. It’s amazing how many people desire to pay good money for your junk. However, who am I to complain. I’m happy to fleece anyone willing to be fleeced. But I digress…

Now that the Shadow Lane party is only a few days away, I’m going to touch on a subject that others have already but that seems to be avoided in polite spanko company. Sometimes it’s about attraction.

My wife has said it, others have said it and now I’m saying it. There are times when the reason we make a connection with someone in the spanking community, especially when it leads to play, is simply about the fact that we find the other person attractive in some way. Attraction doesn’t just have to be about looks, it could be about personality, demeanor, style of play or all three combined. But attraction is often something that either happens or doesn’t especially when you’re at a party and are meeting people constantly over a short period of time. You need to have some criteria for deciding to play with one person over another and basic attraction is a good deciding factor.¬†Honestly, it’s a pretty simple concept to understand and doesn’t require any more explanation. What does need to be explained is the anxiety often brought on by having to reject people for play for a reason that the other person doesn’t seem to understand. It could just be that we are the ones that are projecting our sensitivity to other people and don’t play it straight because of that reason. The fact is that no one likes to be rejected. Some folks put up with it better than others but I don’t think you’ll find many people who are immune to feeling a pang of angst when someone says no.

The spanking scene has created its own language to smooth over the rough edges of human interaction by the use of code words for rejection. The most famous is “not right now” when someone wants to say no without coming out and saying no or the equally popular “maybe later”. I know that it’s tough to look at someone in the face and say that you don’t want to play with them but maybe that would be the easier and certainly more direct way — no ambiguity at all. That’s probably a bit harsh for most but it’s either a simple “no” or an explanation of why you don’t want to play to satisfy the other person’s feeling of justice. I’ve had women tell me they didn’t want to play with someone older than a certain age which, of course, left me on the ass-end of the equation. Yes, it may have rubbed me the wrong way but since there was nothing I could do about it, I had to accept it. The truth is that I never put my eggs in any basket and say that I must play with a certain person or my party is “ruined”. C’mon, I’m an adult and I think by the time one is an adult he or she should be able to handle a little disappointment without it making them curl into a ball and cry.

In my opinion, the scene would be a lot better place if people wouldn’t gloss over the fact that they find certain people more attractive than others — that’s just reality. It would also help if those that are rejected not turn the incident into some life-defining moment of humiliation and see it for what it really is, a minor bump in the road. Trust me, the road ahead will have its smooth moments — enjoy them when they come.

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4 Responses to “The Rules Of Attraction Redux”

  1. Rad:
    I’ve been on both the giving and reciving end of rejection at spanking parties. It’s awkward either way. When I ask someone to play, and they answer with not right now and then five minutes later I see them spanking someone else, it kinda smarts. But, would I really feel better if they said, no way would I play with someone your age? Or something to that effect.

    I used to say maybe later when I really meant no. Then, I read Matt’s blog post where he responded to the maybe later with “don’t send me on a quest”. In other words, when I say, maybe later, I’m telling you that it’s okay to come back and ask me again. Don’t do that if you really mean no.

    It is about attraction and it’s very subjective and very personal. Why do i want to play with one person over another? Looks play a role, but I think personality is more important. But, I can enjoy someone’s company and still not want to play with them. For some reason, which I often cannot define, I just don’t want to play with that person.

    As I age, I am having to learn how to deal with rejection as well. Not every guy wants to play with a woman who is well over 40. AT FMS, I allowed a rejection to really sting and it affected the last night of the party for me. Not every guy I ask to spank me wants to do so. That particular spanker was keeping his options open to play with a very attractive young lady. I could have just let it go, but I didn’t. I took it personally. My decision. I hope to have a better attitude at Shadow Lane.

    • I understand what you’re saying and certainly mileage does vary when it comes to rejection. Some people just handle it differently than others. There a good number of people whose company I enjoy in the scene but who I don’t feel inclined to play with. It’s not their looks because pretty much all of them are attractive to my eye, it’s just that I have a feeling that our play styles don’t quite mesh. Sometimes there’s nothing I can really put my finger on that causes me to believe that — it’s just a feeling.

      As a person that doesn’t need to play a lot to get something out of a party, I am almost always more than satisfied with the amount of play that I get and quite happy with the choice of partners that I am given. I suppose getting rejected would be more of a problem with me if I pursued more people but I don’t so it doesn’t.

  2. It’s a funny one. I tend to say no these days when someone I don’t know at all asks me to play unless there is some kind of really powerful attraction–which is rare. A lot of the spanking play I do at parties is based on friendship–I’m usually playing with someone cause I think they are a cool person, and spanking is what we do, not because it particularly gets me hot and bothered to play with them.

    (then I start to wonder is this just a symptom of low spank-drive, but that’s a different question.)

    When someone walks up to me at a party and asks me to play out of the blue, and there isn’t that big immediate attraction, I have a dilemma. I don’t want to play with them right then, I might never want to play with them, but I don’t want to totally rule it out–because who knows, when I know them better I might want to. That’s when I pull out the maybe later line.

    If on the otherhand, I feel repelled by someone (and it’s usually personality much more than looks or age) then I just say no thank you. This hasn’t always been the case.

    The trouble is, no one seems to take a maybe as a maybe. Maybe I can be a little sexist here and say that perhaps the average man deals less well with ambiguity. But it seems that when I say “maybe” most party tops hear “Yes”. Except for the fact that it’s become common knowledge that it’s often code for “no.” I’ve contributed to this problem myself in the past.

    There’s a big place for Maybe in this life, so I’m going to do my best to only say it when I mean it.

  3. I’m with Caroline, except a bit different. If someone I don’t know at all – have never corresponded with online or anything, and am not immediately attracted to (physically) – comes up and asks me to play, I say no. There is no maybe later or not right now, because the chances of me knowing that person by later (which is usually 2-3 hours I’d say) is slim. At a weekend party, Friday might be no, but Saturday is a yes. I can always go back and say yes to the person, but you can never take yes back once it happens.

    If there is someone I don’t know, and I think they’re gorgeous or hot or super attractive, I will strike up a conversation and find out if they’re personality matches their looks. But looks are always the deciding factor. Someone can be really cool, but if I am not attracted to them physically, I probably won’t play with them. And I don’t expect people who aren’t attracted to me, to play with me. Perhaps that’s sort of making the decision for others, but I can’t worry about everyone’s feelings. I tried that early on.

    I say yes if I want to, no if I don’t. If it’s a genuine maybe because I’ve already agreed to play with someone else, or because I just played, I *say* that “Maybe in a bit, I just played, but I *do* want to play” or “Maybe later, I need to go get something from my room” – but I never leave it as just a maybe, because I don’t want there to be any interpretation.

    As for saying no…not so easy. The most polite and direct way to say it is “No thank you” but that’s also a little abrupt. Thankfully, I don’t have to do it very often, but I haven’t come up with a good way to say it. Especially if it’s because I am not attracted to them.

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