Regarding Language and Abuse

I recently wrote about my use of language and cursing when I’m in the midst of a scene. The use of the word fuck is easy for me to fit within the context of a scene. However, other words and their use within a scene sometimes make me uncomfortable.

By abuse, I don’t mean standing there and just tearing someone apart verbally. Ripping a person to shreds is easy if you are the type of person that can think fast. In the bad old days of the person that imbibed strong drink, I was both feared and hated among my circle of acquaintances because I could and often did pick a person to use as a verbal punching bag for my own amusement. It was not a nice thing to do and has a lot to do with the reason I don’t drink anymore but I was good at it — really good. I’m not proud that I made people, both men and women, cry but I can’t deny that it happened thanks to me. Finding little quirks about people and then hammering away at them with those facts is a horrible thing to do. I did it. Can’t make it up to those people I did it to. I try to be better now.

The point is that my behavior was nothing less than abusive. It was an assault — an unwanted intrusion into their heads by someone who had malicious intent. What I’m talking about in a scene is something that would usually take place in a punishment scene especially one that was “real”. By real, I mean a spanking or punishment for something that is from the person’s real life. In a scene like this, I’m often called upon to scold the person for the infraction because that is part of the dynamic. The person who is being punished is made to feel “bad”, punished physically and then has the slate wiped clean afterwards. The physical and the after-part are no problem for me — I enjoy both. The scolding, even though I’m good at doing it, sometimes feels “wrong” to me.

I know that a person who does something wrong, misses an appointment, fails a test of some kind, does something careless, etcetera, already feels bad about it. Do they really need to be reminded by someone else that they did something wrong? A perfect example is when my wife, Sandy, has done something that is contrary to one of her own rules. My nature as a human being and as her husband makes me want to mitigate her distress by making her feel better about it. I don’t want to see her mentally suffer and fret over it because it’s part of my job as her spouse to nurture her. Scolding her for something that she’s done wrong even if it is part of a punishment dynamic often seems unnecessarily abusive to me. It’s bad enough she feels bad but I have to hammer it home? What kind of husband is that, I say to myself.

Ultimately, this thing we do is part of an elaborate adult dance we do around each other. On some level, even with all the pain that’s inflicted, it’s supposed to be fun and dare I say, a turn-on. This might (yeah…might) be an example of my overthinking but I don’t believe it is. The question in my mind is whether acceptance of the trappings and “rules” of the scene supersede, by the very alternate nature of what goes on, the behavior a person would exhibit in their vanilla life?


7 Responses to “Regarding Language and Abuse”

  1. This is a topic that is often on my mind. Sometimes when I’m about to be punished (for real) and am being scolded, I just want to scream “Don’t you think I know I fucked up? Don’t you think I feel bad already?” but I don’t. Why? Because if I’m allowing someone to punish me, they KNOW I feel bad.

    I think the difference in abuse and the type of lecturing/scolding that takes place before/during a punishment session, is intent. As you said, your intent was specifically to be malicious to someone, to cut them down. Hurt them. When you’re punishing them, is that your intent? No. It’s more about awareness. Often times people feel bad after certain things and know they messed up, but being very aware of it and the consequences isn’t always there.

    Punishment for me, isn’t to drive home that I feel bad and messed up, but to make sure I am ultra aware of it. The scolding gives me the release of guilt I need. Instead of screaming at myself, someone is scolding me and once it’s over, it’s over. I don’t have to beat myself up. Someone else will do it and then I can move on. It makes it easier for me to accept it, lose the guilt, and focus on simply being better next time.

    Excellent post Rad 🙂

  2. Yes, excellent post Rad, I love when someone can be as open and honest as yourself, its a real testement to the person you really are, we call it “stand up”
    Anyway, there is a big difference between scolding someone and berating them. Scolding is a nessasary part of being punished, we need the verbal reminder in order to attach reason to pain. As long as you stay on point and are caring, and not insulting you are simply doing your job, both as a husband, and Top.
    hugs loretta

  3. Miss. Chief Says:

    You touched upon something that I’ve neglected to think about lately; the use of words to hurt. If I’m honest, I can say this behavior is common place between myself and mother. It’s not obvious, but it is manipulative. It’s certainly not a compassionate way to deal with her, however it’s one of the ways I fortify myself against her subtle attacks.


    I’m curious about how words would effect my demeanor during a spanking. To be spoken to harshly, to have my “challenges” verbalized, without the intent of hurt, is an experience I’m thinking of playing with.

    (of course in trusted hands)

    Thank you Rad, for your candor.

    Miss. Chief

  4. Great post, Rad. I’m with you about scolding for “real” offenses, at least from the standpoint of the bottom. I prefer to be my own judge and jury and am more likely to need someone to help me figure out how to fix it than to punish me. But that might be because I don’t see having been punished as wiping the slate clean. I can certainly understand the attraction of that, if it works.

    Funnily enough, I’ve only done punishment spankings as a top, and I don’t mind the scolding so much then. I see it as offering the kind of advice a friend would offer, only without the need to be tactful…

  5. yeah.. a well articulated scolding is miles away from ranting, raving, derision, or berating. Thank god for the good Tops who know the diff…

    a great lecture/scolding can stay in my ears and heart like great song lyrics! for days!

  6. Vanilla people look at our discipline scenes as abusive. I’ve had lifestyle folks look at me with “abusive” written all over their faces. Although my intent is always good, a true discipline scene between Jenni and myself probably does look abusive to most others. But the truth of the matter is that it depends on the disciplinary relationship, the intent as Marie said, knowing the disciplinee and how far he/she needs to be pushed. There is a sensitivity around this that absolutely needs to be poked and prodded at. It goes far beyond a “simple scolding” if you want true behavior modification. You need to bring some things out into the daylight, and just doing that hurts.

  7. Thanks to all of you for your perspective and comments.

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