Thankful Anyway

I think the whole notion of “thanksgiving” is to focus on the happiness and fulfillment we achieve that sometimes gets hidden by all the troubles of life. Whether personal or professional, familial or friend-related, scene or vanilla — the problems that plague us all tend to cast such a pall of darkness that they force us to squint to see the points of joy. Today acts as a kind of lens to help us notice that, yes, there is something to be thankful for.

The year 2009 has already sucked the proverbial root from nearly day one. The sudden passing of my brother, my mother’s worsening physical condition, the money issues relating to her care, the constant pressures of my job, have added layer upon layer of strain to my life and my psyche. I think this is the reason I felt a certain amount of disgust recently at certain things going on in my scene-life — it was one more bit of pressure now added into my enjoyment. I’m not saying that my scene-life has been free of strife, it has not, but feeling it from yet one more angle made me sad with what seemed like the revelation that there was no avenue for escape.

This has definitely affected my personal life in a big way and most especially at home. I often feel so mentally drained by it all that I just want to come home and vegetate as a mental escape from the world. Build a wall and they will go away — I’ll call it the “Field of Screams”. Fortunately, I’ve spent the past month seeing someone and trying to dig my way out of the angst. It’s the first time I’m seeing a therapist on a regular basis but it certainly seems to be doing some good in the short time I’ve been going.

So this leaves me with what I’m thankful for — a list that I will make specific because one should acknowledge the things and people that make them happy.

  • I am thankful for my wife Sandy who not only gives me constant support but is always there for me to lean on. She’s seen the pain I’ve felt closely and I’m thankful enough for her that I will endeavor to pay her back tenfold on a regular basis (and that includes reacquainting ourselves with more kinky activities at home — neighbors be damned).
  • I am thankful for my good friend Marie who I’ve been “mentoring” (whatever that really means). Having a chance to step out of my own troubles and give support to someone has helped me help myself in a lot of ways.
  • I am thankful for my sister-in-law who even after having lost a husband, has helped with my mother with her time and also monetarily. I could not do it without her.
  • I am thankful for all the friends and acquaintances I have in the scene. Without all of you it would feel way too cold and uninviting for me to want to explore and enjoy.
  • I am also willing to be thankful for the strength to finally seek out help when things were getting nearly too much to bear. Don’t know where this inner strength comes from but I’m glad it’s there to tap into.

It’s turkey time from coast to coast. Here’s hoping you all have fun whether it’s through laughter or sitting around having a contentious argument about politics (and we know that happens at family gatherings). And don’t worry about the volume of food you eat, it’ll make you sick enough tomorrow to fast against your will.


4 Responses to “Thankful Anyway”

  1. Quite the impressive list Rad…

    Happy Thanksgiving to you and Sandy from myself and Corey!!

  2. I too am thankful for you.

    Enjoy your dinner, if you ever get out of the city!

  3. our condolences on your brothers passing. Your sister in law sounds like a great person., Your brother must have been quite a guy.
    Joe & loretta

    • We didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things but that’s par for the course within any family. However, he did not deserve his fate — and yes, my sister-in-law is a wonderful person.

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