A Strange Land

It usually happens on the first day of work after a spanking party, especially one where I had so much fun. It’s that feeling of unreality about what’s going on around me, that sense that I things are a tiny bit off.

I’ve written about the fact that I often feel as if my scene life is more real than my vanilla life. Being able to brush away the patina of dust that I use to hide aspects of my personal life is such a joy and so freeing that it makes applying it again on a Monday morning that much more difficult. It’s often difficult to reconcile my inner self with the outside world because the latter comes across as fake in so many ways. I look at the people around me or read my newsfeeds as I ride into work and both smile about the events of a couple of days ago and shake my head at having to once again enter a world where it all has to stay hidden. I read lots of local news and a lot of that contains entertainment or nightlife features which often describe alcohol-related activities as if these are the be all and end all of exciting socialization. These are the moments that my inner chuckle is most active. I know lots of people who say the same thing but it’s true, I think to myself, “If only these people knew what I was up to on a regular basis — it would blow their minds”.

Spanking is no longer my secret kink, it has become an inseparable part of my life. I love doing it because it’s fun and it’s a turn-on in a dozen different ways — sometimes clumped together into one huge snowball of fulfillment. More than that, vastly more, is the fact that the community itself (and the smaller subset of close friends) is my preferred arena of socializing. Certainly there are offshoots of these that are more or less kinky and sometimes the vanilla/kinky divide closes for a bit but my social life revolves around the spanking community and to me that’s a good thing. I’ve spent a lifetime searching for family. I don’t mean in any formal way or even scene version of a family, I mean people who I feel close to and desire to be around. People who being around makes me feel like going home. I’ve spent a long time looking for this and am finally satisfied that I’ve found it. I’m sure there are people who might consider my words as overstatement but I am entitled to my feelings whether others agree or not.

So I come full circle. I’m sitting in a Starbucks writing this and am about to shut down the computer and head up to work. I don’t feel anxious or nervous about it nor feel that it’s any sort of hardship. What I do feel is that once again I have to slap on the greasepaint and entertain my vanilla life with a performance worthy of the label “normality”. I promise myself that I will pause on a regular basis to allow other and more pleasant thoughts to enter my mind. It’s the only way to keep sane in the obnoxious atmosphere of the vanilla world until the next time I can re-enter my real life — my scene life.


12 Responses to “A Strange Land”

  1. The main way that I can handle re-entering the vanilla world — which, since I usually work from home, is mostly when I am called into one office or another — is to dress up in what I call “office drag” — dress suits, or tight tweed slacks with stylish silk blouses, that sort of thing. Then I am so pleased with my wardrobe it distracts me from the raging vanilla-uncomfortable-ness of it all day!

    The other major Vanillaland I visit is when I go to visit with my parents. This last trip, I spend several hours every day out doors shooting nature pictures, or portraits of the family pets. I had told myself that I couldn’t just hide in my room, this trip, since I went home specially to spend time with my dad and help my mom, but I needed that special time in the woods with my beloved Nikon D300 very badly every day!

  2. I’m lousy about commenting on blogs, but I really liked what you had to
    say today. I don’t think your words were an overstatement at all. I’m
    very fortunate in the fact that I have a close biological family, but I
    also, at this point, can’t imagine being without the spanking community
    either. I almost can’t believe how quickly the spanking scene has become
    such an important part of my life. I also feel that strange
    surreality when I move around in vanilla life, knowing that most people
    will never achieve the amount of satisfaction I receive from
    acknowledging that side of myself and taking steps to act on my desires.

    • Thank you for your comment and I agree about the speed in which the spanking community became such an important part of my life. It’s almost as if I was yearning for not just the act but the aspect of “family” all these years.

  3. Well said. I like this blog because it’s clear it comes from the heart. Not being terribly close to most of my family, and having few vanilla friends, I am most happy around my scene friends. Interacting with (presumably) vanilla people at school is awkward because I feel I can’t full be myself, and I long for the nights and weekends when I don’t have to wear a mask.

    There is truly nothing like being around family – be they close blood relatives, or someone who may live around the world.

  4. Rad,
    this was a lovely piece of writing, and I especially appreciated the sentence about brushing off the patina of dust…

    I also agree with the sentiments that you described. Nuff said.


  5. […] Rad recently blogged about a similar subject (restarting vanilla life on Mondays and a sense of family within the scene) and it made me think.  Right now, my ‘vanilla’ life is second to my scene life.  I have more friends within the scene, more engagements, more to look forward to.  I love school and the career I am going to have is massively exciting, but it’ll be far more laid back than school or another job would be. […]

  6. Very nice, and something I think that quite a few in the scene can relate to. I put on a good poker face. I can be doing absolutely normal stuff, fulfill my vanilla duties, and all the while have my “other” life fully on my mind. 🙂


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