I Reject All Titles

Labels, too. I understand that it’s a type of shorthand for people in the scene but none of them particularly mean anything to me nor do they define me in any significant way.

I’m a Top or at least that’s the category I fit under. I like to spank in a disciplinary manner whether it’s for real or a role play. I also like to play for fun when the mood strikes — that means I’ll beat someone’s ass just because they might want it that way or are willing to take. No other reason necessary. So I’d call myself a “disciplinarian” but that would just describe one aspect of my kink — one way I like to play. I certainly don’t consider myself a Dom and would never accept or use honorifics like “Sir” or “Master”. That is not me under any circumstance (except if I’m being sarcastic).

There has been a distinct process of growth in my scene life and perception of my own kinkiness. Just when I think I’ve got myself figured out, I go and discover yet one more thing about me. I joke that I overthink things and perhaps that’s true to some degree. I like to imagine that I think exactly the right amount — for me. My kinkiness is also the right amount for my own tastes. There are things people know about me and things they do not. There are aspects to my kink that are visible to all who know me and some that are very private. They all make up what I am and it’s not something I can easily define with a single term.

Or perhaps I can. There is a term on Fetlife to describe oneself called “Kinkster”. If it has a formal meaning in the BDSM community then I am not aware of it. However, I sort of like it as a catch-all term. For me it means that I have a varied number of kinks that when combined together make me what I am. I’m mostly a spanker of a specific kind but also so many other things that I hesitate to put myself in one pigeonhole. There are things I discover about myself all the time and I just add them into the stew pot and enhance the flavor of what it is that makes me kinky.

Now, I’m not going to suddenly shove spanking off to one side and start doing rope tricks. I might decide to do a rope trick every so often but my desires are to intertwined with spanking to ever wander too far off that particular path.

More tomorrow on specific roles and what they mean to me. I’d add it here but I need some time to overthink it first.


11 Responses to “I Reject All Titles”

  1. I hate single word definition of anyone, myself included. I find the terms deeply suspect. I’m “Mija” — and within this scene I’ve spent 13 years and millions of words finding out who that is. If someone thinks they can play with me because I’m “bottom,” “submissive,” “daughter,” “schoolgirl” or even “schoolboy,” they’re probably wrong.

    I embrace the complexity and want to go deep into relationships and play. Single words just don’t do it.

  2. I struggle a bit with titles. A lot of people ask what you consider yourself, and I usually say ‘bottom’ or ‘spankee’ – to me, bottom says ‘receiving end’ whereas spankee says one who likes to be spanked. Both are true, and bottom leaves it open to be on the receiving end of more than spanking, without the added bit of being submissive which I don’t identify with.

    I enjoy receiving more than spanking (noting the things on my fetlife profile that I am ‘curious’ about and the other things I am ‘into’) but don’t consider myself a sub or slave or anything.

    It’s tough. I am just me, and I like loads of things. Sadly, I can’t identify myself as the spanking-anally-oriented-girl-next-door…not on Fetlife anyway 🙂

  3. I don’t like labels either, though the catchall, “kinkster” seems less offensive than some of the others. As for your overthinking things —
    I’m glad that you because it means less work for me, lol!

    Since I tend to think a lot also, it is very helpful hearing about the process you go through and I often find things elucidated or put into words that were previously on the intangible side for me, I’m very glad to have you as a sounding board.

  4. paddlemebarenyc Says:

    Whew..this is a good one for me! i’m a SWITCH! lol. That tends to confuse people. And although I’m a spanko to the core there isn’t a submissive bone in my body. I tried…it just isn’t me at all. I suppose this is why I love social events in NYC so much. I adore getting to know others in the community and learning about their likes and dislikes. I’m more apt to ask a spanker many questions and discuss things rather than try to cram everything under one little title. I do like the sound of kinkster. Has a nice ring to it!


  5. I usually just say “bottom” or “spankee” pretty much for the same reasons Marie stated. Any other kinks I have are mostly related to spanking anyway, at least in my mind.

    I do however identify with being rather submissive, though I don’t call my self *A* submissive because that seems to suggest more of the slave type idea, which I don’t identify with. It’s all kind of a pain in the ass to deal with what the meanngs of each title supposedly are.

  6. To me, using a title within context makes sense. For instance, at a *spanking* party, if someone asks if I am a bottom or spankee, I could be either. I actually identify as a submissive overall, with a partner……but in certain contexts, I go with the title that makes sense.

    After all, in such situations, it’s really a matter of people just trying to figure out what your preference is rather than some intricate definition of one’s actual person.


  7. I would individually answer each comment above but I really have little to add to them — they stand alone.

    My unease with titles or labels comes from the fact that I don’t feel one way all the time. On Fetlife, I’m a Top because that’s the closest description of my core kink. However, I don’t walk around feeling like a Top 24/7 — I have other associated desires (and some not so associated) that merely calling myself a “Top” doesn’t quite cover the totality of me.

  8. I think I hate the titles in this scene because they tend towards the ‘cutesy’ side….
    Fetlife doesnt even HAVE a ” spankee” category…

  9. I don’t mind labels so much. They cut to the chase in an indroductory setting, and the nuances can be left for the “getting to know you” aspect. I don’t play the same with everybody, so the gal who’s giggling over one lap could be purring over the next, or crying over the third. What does that make me? Eh, I’m a bottom. Or a spanko. I’m not picky on what people call me, or how I refer to myself inside of the kink. I’m me, and that’s good enough for me.

  10. sorry, Rad. That was me. 🙂

  11. I don’t have a problem with titles or labels myself. It’s a good way to let someone know what I’m in the mood for – if I just want to be spanked – I’m a bottom. If I want to delve a little bit further, I’m a sub. But most of all, thanks to FetLife, I’m a Kinkster, and darned proud of it.

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