Righting The Ship

The Shadow Lane party coincided with the nadir of my mood. Slowly but surely, that one step back has provided me with a few steps forward.

I get into funks. I can’t quite explain them but they often follow a pattern. I’m humming along in the scene when something or a series of somethings happens. They’re often a combination of vanilla stress and dissatisfaction with the scene. Although the scene often is my playground as well the satisfaction of a portion of my sexual desire, there are times when I look at it from the inside and just say, “That’s it?” I don’t really know what triggers these moments but the few times that they have occurred, they have usually happened at times when some sort of inner conflict led to change. The same pattern seems to be playing out right now.

Over the past week, I have felt myself crawling out from those negative feelings and finding a new place for myself in the scene. Perhaps it’s not a new place when seen from the outside but it is one that I feel inside myself. I have not had some huge revelation come to me telling me I was in dire need of changing my ways. Instead it is a subtle understanding of what it is that I want and what I need to do to fulfill that need. A lot of it has to do with attitude — the way that I perceive my kink. It’s not as if I was a spanker yesterday and suddenly I’m a Dom. I’m still a spanker but a touch more aware of what it is I want out of the experience and what it is that will get me there.

I have a tendency, as many do, to say that what I want exactly matches what I can get. This is nonsense. If I have to compromise my satisfaction then there is nothing satisfying about it at all — there will always be something missing. That missing component, whether emotional or merely the scratching of an itch, is something that has loomed over my enjoyment in the past. If I feel I am compromising, then I don’t feel fulfilled. Most of this compromising comes from inside me rather than from outside forces. No one is standing around telling me I can’t have this or that, I’m telling myself for one reason or another. It could be that I’m embarrassed to admit I want certain things so I censor myself with the voice of my parents who hang over my shoulder telling me everything is wrong. I think that the shucking of these bad feelings is my way of casting off a little bit more of the shame that was instilled in me growing up. Although I was “brave” enough to come out into the spanking scene, I’ve never gotten rid of that nagging feeling that I’m doing something “wrong”. I might be reaching the point where I realize I am not.

Another thing is that I’m finally learning that my enjoyment or satisfaction in the scene can’t come from outside of me. What I mean is that I have to be proactive and seek it out, not wait for it to come to me. I also can’t put my eggs into one basket and think that it is the be-all and end-all of my enjoyment. It’s nice to find a play partner or a situation that you enjoy but I am learning that there are many such experiences to be had with many other people and that looking at things as either/or has been limiting me and holding me back. I know that now and for some reason, I feel a lot better.

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4 Responses to “Righting The Ship”

  1. Well written!

    I can definitely relate to ignoring desires and having some pretty irrational fears about them. There are a lot of things I want to try but fear many things about them and surrounding them (what if the person I’m doing it with, laughs at me? what if it turns out I don’t like it? what if I DO like it? what if….). Something that I have to not forget, is baby steps. I suppose we’re all evolving and learning, everyday.

  2. it is comforting to know that moods can pass

  3. I’m glad to know that you’re feeling better about things, Rad.

  4. I think many of us go through the phases. I know I do.

    s.

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