Where Were We?

Ah, yes — sadism. Most if not all of my activities in the realm of spanking don’t quite fall under the umbrella of sadistic behavior or thoughts. Disciplinary, punitive and perhaps somewhat harsh but always with the notion of spanking as a punishment in a more domestic or academic setting. In most of my spanking play, it’s not just for causing pain. However, there are times when those thoughts do creep into my head. Some of those thoughts are disturbing even to me.

Deriving pleasure, especially sexual pleasure, from causing pain to another person are pretty much the definition of sadism. I’ve watched videos of scenes that are harsh, cruel and could be considered sadistic. Spanking is not just punishment but a somewhat redemptive act. Aside from those that do it for the sensation itself, the arc of a spanking is that someone has done something wrong, atones for it by being spanked and then all is well at the end. For me that’s pretty much how it goes in my head. Sadism is about the pain and the reaction to that pain from the person receiving it. There is no need for someone to have done something “wrong” — it’s actually much more satisfying of a thought if the person on the receiving end is innocent.

I have a recurring fantasy that I consider among my most sadistic. In it, I befriend a woman and worm my way into her heart, becoming her best friend. All is well for months and months until one day at a party or some other gathering, I shift in mid-conversation and begin completely destroying her verbally. Every fault I’ve noticed, every confidence she’s given me — I expose them all for everyone to hear. In my mind, I see the horror in her face, the confusion about what’s happening, the fact that suddenly her entire reality is collapsing around her. I actually feel a rush of adrenalin at the thought of it.

I also recoil in horror. After thinking these thoughts, I am often left feeling extremely dirty and quite disgusted with myself for thinking them. It may just be a fleeting fantasy that has no basis in any reality but it does not stop me from wondering what kind of a mind thinks things like this. It’s almost as if the recipient of my sadism is me — I think these thoughts not because I want to do this to someone else but because I want to experience my own horrified reaction. I want the feeling of being ashamed for thinking these thoughts.

A good friend of mine recently called me a “reaction junkie” and I suppose that’s what I am. I often say pretty outrageous things directly out of the most sardonic parts of my personality just to affect some reaction in other people. I’m a performer. Perhaps I’m not at a club or on stage but I use everywhere I go as my stage. I often tell people that my wit (what there is of it) is geared towards one member of the audience — me. I say or think things for my own amusement. With the kind of thoughts I relate in the above sadistic fantasy, I am probably engaging in what I consider the ultimate performance art — I’m getting a reaction out of myself.


8 Responses to “Where Were We?”

  1. We are responsible for our actions, not our thoughts. We can act out in our minds in ways we never should in real life. This is healthy, since it harms no one, but lets us vent in a space that nobody else can observe or judge.
    Unless, like you, we confess.

    Is there a part of you that wants to be held accountable for things you’ve only thought about? This reminds me of The Trial sequence at the end of Roger Waters/Pink Floyd’s The Wall.

    • That is quite possible. As a person who is not religious in any significant way, I have no tangible spiritual outlet for atonement. However, I do have my own code and spiritual system in my own mind. I have admitted to not being a good person in my younger days and it’s likely that these “fantasies” or thoughts are remnants of those days. I don’t mean to torture myself or beat myself up over my past but I do acknowledge it. If these mental exercises are a way for me to come to terms with my “bad thoughts” then so be it.

  2. It’s normal to have dark and sometimes twisted thoughts and fantasies. To self-flagellate after is proof of your humanity. Wanting and doing are two different things and perhaps with willing partners some of the sadist can come out and play.


  3. This is one of your most interesting posts ever, Rad. It’s a complicated game that we all play, isn’t it?

  4. Amazingly honest post, Rad. I think we all have thoughts that make us break out in a cold sweat at the thought of us ever actually DOING them and make us feel awful for ever having THOUGHT them. Well, maybe everyone doesn’t, but I do.

  5. I, for one, am very glad that there are not “mind readers” or I think I would not survive very long…sometimes I wish tops were able to have that “gift” but then…thoughts are healthy, actions without thoughts are questionable.

  6. Absolute power. Is there actually anyone who does not think about it? About being able to hurt, or heal in a god-like fashion? To be the one who has the power to destroy and the other has no recourse whatsoever?

    I too have super dark fantasies that would certainly be horrific if ever acted out. I am not the recipient or the giver….just an observer. But to derive some kind of excitement in my mind about such fantasies is disturbing to me.

    I find solace in the fact that, indeed in real life, hearing about or witnessing such things well below the level of my imagination actually causes me distress and sorrow rather than the excitement I feel when the victim is purely fictional. If I actually did enjoy such unwarranted and heinous activity inflicted on others in reality, I would really begin to question my mind.


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