Down The Memory Hole

My apologies to George Orwell and the readers of this blog but although I like to be honest, there are some things that are too honest to write about. This is where a lot of my writers block comes from.

I wrote a blog yesterday and set it aside because I was not sure if I wanted to publish it. I felt it might reveal too much about certain things. So I rewrote it and set it aside again. I went back to it this morning and knew that it would have to go bye-bye, down the memory hole where other such blogs have gone. This is always a problem for me — how honest do I want to be. If it’s about me and only me, I’m often quite honest. If it’s about other folks who are pretty much an amalgam of different people (and no name attached), I am pretty honest about that as well. In any case, I change enough details to file off the numbers. There was one case where I did not do enough filing but I promised myself that I would never purposely step on someone’s feelings like that again.

The trouble is that when my life and mood are wrapped up with the lives and moods of other people, especially those I know, it’s tough to publish the unvarnished truth without revealing things about other people, something I’m not willing to do. Even if I don’t use names, people know people and put things together. I know I do that when I read what other people write and I assume the folks I know can do the same. So I get stuck and have a slew of personal items I want to talk about yet feel compelled by discretion and self-preservation not to put them out there no matter how much I need it.

I’ve been going through a bad stretch recently and it’s not just about post-party drop. It started well before the party and has just continued afterwards. My laying off of massive amounts of play were a symptom of this and my current anxiety is also a by-product of these feelings. Most of it is vanilla — my family situation and my job. The family situation is what it is and will resolve itself eventually. The work situation is tougher because although I’ve sent a number of feelers out, there are no jobs to be had in my field. As a matter of fact, the downsizing of certain jobs in my field continues and it has become more and more about who you know when jobs are available. Lots of cronyism going on right now. The scene anxiety compounds it because this is a place where I often retreat as a respite from the vanilla world. At least for a while, it’s also become something that adds to the anxiety.


4 Responses to “Down The Memory Hole”

  1. as a blogger myself, I think I know what you mean/how you feel. you WANT to be 100% totally unvarnished and honest..but in all pure reality, how much, REALLY..can one DO that.. and not ‘hurt’ or offend others? Its a paradox, to be sure…
    and it definitely sucks when the “scene” which is supposed to be a balm for the ills and cares of vanilla life, can definitely add to one’s stress.
    I hear that…’re not alone..
    (but, you knew that)

  2. sorry to hear that things in all facets of your life are stressful right now…but thank you for the discretion (even when not concerning me, it assures me of your intentions in the future).

  3. semi-anonymous Says:

    I can relate to many points in your post even if I am not in the exact same situation. I too struggle with how honest to be on my blog; how much to reveal. Most often this is because I want to be cautious about how far I let readers into my life, but I also worry about inadvertently revealing too much about others if they factor in. I also fear misinterpretation and people thinking that I am writing about them even when I am not.

    And unfortunately, I can also relate to the vanilla world not currently being such a happy place and the spanking world not always being a favorable escape. It’s one of those days (weeks? months?) that I want to crawl under the covers and not come out.

  4. It’s tough to feel very into the scene when vanilla stresses are draining. If there’s one thing the scene requires, that’s energy. If you don’t have enough of it left over, it’s hard to know how to engage halfway. I hope you are beginning to recover, even if the vanilla stresses persist. I know it’s not easy.

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