In A Strange Land

The MSA party the other night was fine. Nice people, a nice space, hummus and, of course, spanking. I played and had a relatively good time but spent a lot of my time wondering what I was doing there.

I like spanking parties because I feel comfortable around “my people”. We may share little else but share the kink and that draws us together enough to actually get to know the people underneath the kink. The odd nagging in the back of my mind started early but I was not able to identify it at first. I just did not feel comfortable standing there. It’s not that anyone did anything to make me feel that way because everyone was extremely cordial — I was acquainted with most folks there anyway. Then partway through the evening something went off in my head and I just said to myself, “I feel old”.

There were a group of younger people there that evening but no more than I’ve seen at SSNY or other gatherings. There were people who I wished would have come that evening and I think that disappointed me a bit — I would have had more distractions and not just stood there observing and overthinking. I wish I could put it into words that make sense but the feeling was something I can only identify as a nagging disconnectedness in that place and time. I just did not feel I belonged.

It’s funny that I felt that way and I can’t quite understand why I did because I don’t right now as I’m writing this. It could have been an off night or just an inability to get into the right frame of mind. It’s not that I really felt like playing a lot that evening and was not able to. There was one opportunity that passed me by but I’ll most likely see this person at many an upcoming event and I’ll ask then. I did get to play twice with Sandy, one of them a decently hard scene, so that was good. Otherwise it was not my night.

I’ll probably spend hours thinking about that night as the days and weeks progress wondering why that happened. For the most part, I enjoy the spanking scene and have a lot of fun being part of it. Without a doubt, the most likely outcome of all this will be yet one more theory and then self-imposed strategy to make sure it doesn’t happen again. We’ll see.


10 Responses to “In A Strange Land”

  1. I’ve had days like that before – where something is “off” but it’s nothing you can put your finger on. I also tend to sit around later trying to analyze it and figure out “what” was up.
    OR – I’ve heard that if there are aliens hanging around (in human disguise, of course) that some people are sensitive to their presence.
    If any of them ask you to check out plant-like pod – run. 🙂

  2. Well Rad, Once you’re a film star, you can’t expect to feel “normal” at parties anymore. It’s the price of fame.

  3. I once felt comfortable at a party.

  4. I was at a suite party and felt uncomfortable, and I’ll admit it, but I was bored. There was a lot of action in the closed-door bedroom, and I was standing in this hot suite where I didn’t know many people. Small talk was weird. I am very sociable, so this was unusual. I don’t know if it’s me or if it’s just an adjustment to hanging out with people with one interest in common. It seemed like hours. It would have been rude to leave Mr OK there and escape to the pool. At that point I would have gladly listened to the tragic story of Chester, the poop-loving pony’s awful demise.

  5. What I felt was more along the lines of not belonging. I wasn’t really bored but just could not seem to connect with what was going on.

    I compare it to those times when I’m in a chat room and everyone else is bratting and Topping while I’m trying to have a normal conversation.

  6. I, too, felt out of place, although I did connect with one new (to me) top. The young guys weren’t paying attention to this old lady (waaaa!). I supposed I could have taken charge and approached one of them, but I was getting a young, hipster-poser vibe from them, so I felt shy and feared rejection.

    There were enough older people to enjoy myself, but I did miss certain people who were stuck in Jersey…

    • I didn’t feel that any of the younger crowd were doing anything specifically to make me uncomfortable, just that I did not feel part of the crowd that night.

  7. Pardon my hipster poser-ness, Sandy. I’ll make a note to get to know ye better when next we meet at a party, as I apologize if I happened to polarize the room.

  8. Hey, Sky. That’s cool, you seemed nice. I just get shy… all on me. I’LL try harder as well.

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