There Are Limits

Although I often will go out of my way to make a play experience good for another person, there are times when I should draw the line.

I’m a mostly accommodating person when it comes to play. I know what I like and try to play with partners that like the same sort of thing but even within that framework, I have to put my foot down when things get a little too much. I’m not talking about Topping from the bottom or stuff like that — to me, that’s a very light and mostly inconsequential thing. I’m talking about times when the wants and needs of the other person get to be so oppressive that I find myself under stress rather than enjoying myself. A hard limit for me is when the rules and regulations of a scene get so lengthy and involved that I either can’t understand them or find I’m incapable of providing what quickly becomes a service without a great deal more sweat-equity than I’m willing to expend.

It would be different if I was a pro because there would be an incentive and renumeration that would balance out the amount of mental energy I’d need to stick to a script or list of demands. The fact is that I’m not a pro (the reason that there are not a lot of male pros in the scene can be addressed at some future time). I do this because I enjoy it and am getting something out of it myself. When it ends up becoming more work than it’s worth, I simply decline. There are limits to what I’m willing to do and if a person’s require me to develop an ulcer, I’d say that was a bit more than I’m willing to take on.

I enjoy play and enjoy play with a wide variety of people. When I play with someone new, it’s often a crapshoot because I’m not completely sure how the entire thing will turn out. If a play partner comes into the thing saying, “First do this but not that and a couple other things but not those and stand over there, now sit there and…” — my inclination would be to say, “No thanks. Bye”. When I play, I’m meeting someone in the middle. Meeting someone in the middle doesn’t mean me going totally over to their side, that’s not the middle. I don’t ever expect that I’m going to get all my desires met by a scene and don’t think the other person should have that expectation either. If it works, great. Then it was a wonderful session and I’ll look forward to the next time. If it doesn’t work then we at least tried. If I know from the beginning that I’m going to get a headache just attempting to shoehorn myself into another person’s fantasy, then I’ll just say “no” and show myself the door.

The fact is that I’m sure there will be many guys who will swoop in to show how much better they are at that thing than I am. Such is the scene.


7 Responses to “There Are Limits”

  1. Ah, fantasies and preconceptions…
    I’ve always been super-sensitive to “topping from the bottom.” The result has been that I’ve been afraid, on occasion, to put my desires, needs, into words (spoken or written).

    I was involved with someone whose ego was so sensitive that I (almost naturally) fell into the role of a submissive. But the reality is that no matter how much I wanted to be submissive and meet all of *his* needs, I was a poor submissive as I still desired to have my needs met.

    My tops have often expressed a desire for me to be “needy” and while I do have needs, I have a preeminent desire to fulfill the needs of my partner. My experiences is that once I am comfortable with communicating my needs (verbally or non-verbally), my tops have found my needs to be insurmountable, for lack of a better word.

    You think/worry about your role and your partner’s. I find your posts to be great food for fodder. Thank you for making me think about what it is that I really want from myself and from a partner.

  2. I think that in the fog or complexity that is play, we often forget that it is, at base, meant to be fun and this means the dom as well as the sub. True the sub is in the subordinate position, but doms have needs as well and it’s never a good thing to dom someone because they want you to and you don’t. As an occasional switch with girls, I sometimes get asked to dom when I’m not up for it and because I want to please, then end up domming when I’m not in the mood to.

    I think that there is nothing wrong with discussing your needs and desires with your dom, but the time to do that is before the scene starts and then letting him/her go with the flow – not during!

  3. Anonymous Says:

    I have definitely felt that way on the occasions when I have it’s a “job”…
    good to have that perspective..
    it’s all definitely supposed to be “fun”…fulfilling on some level to both Top and bottom. Otherwise, why bother?

  4. Maybe you don’t want to delve into specifics, but it would be interesting to hear the most detailed list of instructions you’ve been given by a bottom.

    • radagast Says:

      I’m not going to out anyone but I will say that one of the few times I had to decline a play session, the person had so many rules about what I could use when and in what order plus what I could or could not say that I simply told her it was so confusing I couldn’t remember it all.

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