Another Solo Party

SSNY coming up this weekend and I’m going it alone although not really alone. Anyway, it’s not really the same for me.

My wife Sandy. I met her in the scene adn she was my very first spanking experience in real life. In most every way, she is my partner in crime whether at a party, at the club or in vanilla life. I love going to parties with her because even though we may be doing our own thing and not see each other for hours, I always know she’s there and it’s something that makes me feel extremely comfortable. As a person who lived with varying degrees of social anxiety at different times in my life, having her around makes me feel extremely centered.

I dont often go to parties alone but circumstance made it so this time around. Sandy needed to attend a function out of town and since I’d already planned on going to the SSNY party with her, I figured I’d go by myself. Although I’m looking forward to playing with some folks that I enjoy playing with (and perhaps a new person or two if that opportunity presents itself), I’m very much looking forward to hanging out with my friends and simply having good conversations and fun. Now, the reality is that I’ll probably come away from this weekend wondering why I played so much that I hurt my hand but that’s not the plan going in.

The strange thing is that I’m such a mixture of confidence and the shyness that I grew up with. I can be gregarious, funny and a hundred other positive things yet still feel a little lost in a crowd of people — the perpetual wallflower just under the surface making me want to withdraw. There are probably folks who just don’t see me that way at all and others who might see that side of me and misinterpret it as aloofness. I certainly can’t change the perceptions people have of me nor do I care to try — this is me plain and simple.

So I go to the party with minor aprehensions, mostly of the self-make variety stemming from my angsty nature. However, I’m going to have fun doing whatever it is I do even if it’s just kicking back with some pals of mine enjoying their company. And that’s what I love about these parties. As much pressure as I feel, I’m actually under no pressure at all and that’s a good thought to keep with me.

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8 Responses to “Another Solo Party”

  1. Hi Rad–I suffer from social anxiety, too. It kicked in after my first “real” job and rears its ugly head mostly in the workplace. It was so disruptive that I actually took Paxil for a few months and the anxiety went away completely. It was gone without a trace. Now, I’m experimenting with natural remedies. I’ll let you know when I find the right supplement, if you’re interested. What I can say is it dissapates greatly with yoga 2x/week and massage 1x/month. And the greatest remedy of all may be the light touch of a Top’s fingertips in the small of my spine, guiding me forward. Isn’t it amazing how the presence of a partner, the steady rhythm of their breath, allows us to relax and rewind completely? I miss that.

    • radagast Says:

      When I was younger and just starting to be social, I would often feel most uneasy when it was a non-guided gathering. I was fine at school or in the classroom but put me at a party where the rules were looser and I’d get confused. I compensate now by getting into conversations about everything except the thing that makes me nervous and certainly having friends there helps. It’s when the friends go off and are busy that I get that “lost” feeling again.

  2. Yeah, it can be scary, but going solo can be very exciting. I am driving solo across country from Los Angeles to Chicago at the end of the month for the Crimson Moon party! WOO HOO!!!

  3. I’m looking forward to seeing you Rad and I’m really glad you’re coming.

    I’m a very social person and very comfortable in crowds however I do feel a little overwhelmed myself at these parties sometimes. I worry about not getting around to talking to everyone and playing with certain people and sometimes I want to run behind a curtain and just take a moment to breathe. I get anxious just thinking about it!

    However! I’m making myself a promise tomorrow. I’m gonna try to just kick back and enjoy all the wonderful guests and feel no pressure. That’s my plan anyway. We’ll see what happens!

    In any case, I’m looking forward to it.

  4. Rad – look for me! I won’t be solo, but I will be looking for friendly faces – and you are one of those. I get so beside myself at parties…I’m already worried about SL.

  5. Jules – I know what it is like to be an extrovert and in the position of hosting – it feels fast and disjointed, and you never really get the time you want with the people you want it with. You still do a great job and I hope you do get time to kick back and relax and breath – between spanks too!

    Often, realizing the pressure is self-made is enough to relax you.

    I guess I’m lucky in some ways – I’ve always been outgoing, the one to go up to people and say hi, intro them to others, find ways to make conversation to get everyone comfortable. I met Jon that way – went right up to him.

    But I’ve learned a lot from Jon. I’ve learned to be a better listener. That I don’t always have to be the one talking or making things happen. I actually like letting others take the reins – that is refreshing and relaxing. He’s helped me to be more laid back in some ways, and I’ve helped him feel more comfortable socializing.

    I think Sandy and Rad are a bit like that too – they’ve got this great partnership that means they lend strengths to each other. When we have a great partner, we grow and change and become even more what we might want to be, even if we did not know it.

    I hope the party goes well. I’m pretty sure it will! I wish I was going to be there.

    • radagast Says:

      I agree with what you said about people complementing each other. Although I was always quick witted and could hold my own in a conversation, I was really awful at introducing myself to people. Sandy has helped me do that. I also owe a lot to Dale Carnegie, whose seminal book, How To Win Friends and Influence People, truly changed my life. I saw that when socializing or “schmoozing” doesn’t come naturally, a person can learn it with little effort.

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