Feel Tired Today

And that always affects my mood by putting me in a negative place. I was tired yesterday as well and I’m thinking that I maybe did a little too much all crammed into a 24 hour period.

I hate to call my mood “cranky” because I think that minimizes legitimate feelings that I have. However, I do know that when I’m overly tired, I don’t see things exactly as I should. Sleep or just plain old relaxation often take care of that.

The day started with shopping and a trip to the bank for my mother. Then it was off to a kinky house party for the afternoon followed by a vanilla trip to a family birthday party (complete with two bouts of rain to scatter the partiers). Then it was off to the MSA party in lower Manhattan, some of the activities of which can be read about on Sandy’s blog.

I’m normally quite insatiable when it comes to spanking parties — I enjoy attending and love to play. I’m thinking that perhaps last night was a bit too much for me as I came away from the evening feeling uneasy. Sandy and I had an excellent scene of disciplinary spanking which started the evening just right. I also got to play with someone who I’d been looking forward to getting another chance with — that scene was also quite good. But there are times I sit around these parties and the thought comes to me, “What the fuck am I doing here? What do I want out of all of this?” I’m normally a person that is sure what he wants out of the scene but there are times when I’m not one hundred percent about it. I’m in one of those limbo places today. This too shall pass.

It’s times like this when pet peeves about the scene manifest themselves in my mind. For some reason, the following one has jumped from the shadowy areas of my brain and come front and center. I’ll meet someone who wants to play because they’ve heard I’m a hard spanker. Usually, these are folks who take it hard on a regular basis. For the most part, playing with someone like that, in my experience, is like playing with a piece of granite. I like to see some reaction when I play with someone the same way that they might like to get a little more than merely the physical from their spanker. If I’m spanking someone and getting no noticable reaction, I really have to wonder to myself why I’m doing it at all. Spanking a stone is not my idea of fun nor is a completely stoic bottom something I find desirable. My wife takes it pretty hard and I love that about her but she is in no way stoic about it. She lets it be known that it hurts like hell whether she ultimately is enjoying the act of taking a hard punishment. My favorite play partners are the ones that can take it hard but also communicate that they pretty much “hate” it as it’s happening. It may be an ego thing or what have you but I like to know that my efforts are getting through to a certain degree.

Sure there are other things that are bothering me right now but I don’t feel comfortable talking about them because I have not fully processed these items. When I do, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, I’m relaxing and trying to get past the muddy thoughts of today.


7 Responses to “Feel Tired Today”

  1. I’m always fascinated to read your posts, especially the very personal POV pieces about the scene and other things. Your approach is unflinching and refreshingly honest. Your posts give me food for thought, and I like to think — particularly about all things spanking related.

    As you know, I go for long periods without spanking, so when I do have the opportunity I tend to be voracious, even insatiable. Meanwhile, I have to get my thrills vicariously, and your posts help me put things in perspective; I love living where I do, but there’s virtually no scene here, although there are apparently many spankos who live a very closeted life.

    Thank you for being you.

    • radagast Says:

      I try to be as honest as I can and try to only be specific where I’m concerned. If it involves other people, I try to make it more general.

  2. As Rad knows, I was approaching the party in a cranky mood to begin with last night, even as we were pulling into the parking garage, saying, I don’t even know if I want to go. There’s been construction near the place where these parties are held and that means we can NEVER find a place to park on the street. We were also stuck in traffic for quite a while approaching the Lincoln Tunnel. That was my mood going in; I think being able to top a few people turned that around.

    The stoic bottom — yes, I’ve played with a few of those over the years. It’s always great to put tons of energy into thrashing a guy who seems to need it, only to have him turn around and tell you how much harder you should go the next time. I love brats, but when I spank someone as hard as I can and nothing seems to effect them (I think I could have hit one guy with a two-by-four and he wouldn’t have had enough), then I walk away frustrated.

  3. If it makes you feel any better, I have plenty to complain about in my blog, too – which is conveniently linked right here! Just click my name, above. Misery loves company.

  4. IrishRed Says:

    Interesting. You’ve touched upon a subject that continually perplexes me. I don’t get the stoicism thing, and yet it seems to be somewhat common in the scene. I’ve witnesses ladies get walloped and not blink an eye, and I wonder what she (and the spanker) is getting out of it. I assume it’s a tactile thing, what I guess is called sensation play.

    Me, I’m into the punishment headspace. I don’t play hard, or at least I *rarely* take a truly hard spanking. When playing socially I tend to keep it lighter, it terms of both the banter and the spanking itself. Delving deeper into the punishment aspect gets into my head and I become … well … someone I’m not comfortable exposing often.

    Either way, I react. It may be a bit of a “put on” during the lighter moments … squealing and squirming for the pure enjoyment of the play. If it’s punishment, well, I react to that, too. And not in the same manner as during the more fun moments of roleplay. Ms Flynn summed it up brilliantly for me long ago when she said she didn’t like being punished but liked having BEEN punished. Heck yeah. I hate being punished. It hurts! I react like it hurts! But boy do I love the idea of it afterwards.

  5. misstorid Says:

    I take the stoic spanker as a challenge, i guess this stems from working professionally- the challenge is to overtake the usually very tall, much older stranger in front of me…

    I guess it’s more difficult to do at parties, but I like having to find visual and audio clues to the person bottoming to me. My partner is pretty silent, forcing me to pay a great amount of attention to every slight movement and every short, almost inaudible groan. i think keeping quiet adds to the intimacy of the act.

    • radagast Says:

      Thanks for your thoughts. On occasion I’ve played with really hard players at a time and place where I can actually hear something; parties and clubs are often way too loud. In those moments, I can sometimes catch the nearly inaudible grunts or moans and that does make the play more satisfying. However, I’m in it for the enjoyment rather than as a challenge. When feeding my kink, I don’t really like it to turn into a competition.

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