I was feeling like garbage yesterday. I got up yesterday morning feeling completely weighed down with a great deal of self-doubt about many things. Yes, I blamed it on The Drop and that certainly had a lot to do with the intensity of what I was feeling. However, self-doubt and insecurities about the scene often come across as de rigueur for people who travel in those circles and these thoughts were only added to by the post-party depression. Crawling out of that hole, which I feel happened late yesterday, is the reason I love having friends in the scene who I consider close.

I didn’t know what to do to help myself because all of the negative thoughts and nagging doubts were in control no matter what my logical side did to quell them. When I get like this, it’s less like a downward spiral as it is a feeling that the air around you has thickened and made it harder for you to move. The problem is that this feeling of stasis has no effect on my brain which is still churning at three-times its normal speed. Like a psychological experiment gone awry, I lay there resigned to feel what I was feeling with no end in sight — an unpleasant place to be.

It’s moments like this when serendipitous things happen that help. I had a conversation with a friend while at work — IMing on the side while still getting my job done. Right off the bat, I had one of my many doubts erased by this person and from that moment onward our conversation was much more open and unguarded. Like the best sort of friendship, we helped each other with our different issues. Stepping away from myself for a second trying to help this person allowed me a moments rest from my own thoughts. During our honest conversation, we worked through our fears, resentments and other gremlins by simply talking. I don’t know what I did to help this person but apparently I did. I do know, however, that somewhere in that conversation was the germ of the idea that helped me get through my problems.

With me, the issue is often perspective. Although I try to do my best to see the different sides of things, when it comes to me, my perception is skewed because it’s wrapped up in emotion. There are times that I can’t step back and see it all the way I should because I’m too busy feeling. The conversation I had with my friend eventually boiled down to these perceptions on a variety of topics. The help I offered to my friend gave me just enough of a sidestep away from my emotions to allow an opening for another person’s perspective to get inside of me. This is what helped me in the end.

Seeing my issues from a different angle finally made sense of things for me. I’m not saying it’s all rosy now but it’s not the quagmire of thought that handicapped me for days. I received from my friend tiny bits of information that helped put a puzzle together — at least well enough for me to know that it might be what’s on the box. I have always been a big fan of scene friendships because they are the only ones I can feel totally open participating in. My vanilla friends (the few I have) have no ability to help me in regards to the scene which is why I’m so thankful there are people I can talk to, help and receive help from.

Scene friends? I’m all for ’em.


7 Responses to “Perspective”

  1. I have the opposite problem as you. My perspective tends to ignore emotion, (what my father calls my “business-like approach” even in emotional situations) and focus simply on practicality without regard to the emotional effect. So when emotion gets thrown in as part of the processing of a situation, I get all befuddled!

    You are absolutely correct about scene friends. They are very good at helping us work through so many issues that can come up in regards to TTWD, whether those issues are in the scene itself or affecting vanilla life. I am immensely grateful for my intelligent scene friends and find many of them wiser apart from the scene than some of my own vanilla counterparts.

    Or maybe it just seems that way cuz I don’t have to censor myself when truly trying to get down to the core of an issue. 🙂



    • radagast Says:

      I live my life trying to “solve puzzles” as I call it. If I have a problem at work, for example, I almost look at it like a game to try and find a solution — I do nearly 100% of the time. When my feelings are involved, I get confused as well and find that my puzzle solving skills don’t work because I’m trying to figure out something that can’t be solved the same way as other problems.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    Perspective is a great thing, but so are gut instincts. This isn’t the first time you mentioned feeling uneasy after a party. It could be post party blues, it could be your own personal insecurities, or maybe a combination of both. But it could also be your instincts or intuition trying to warn you about something, and I just don’t want to see you discount that feeling too quickly. In my experience, that always leads to regret.

  3. “There are times that I can’t step back and see it all the way I should because I’m too busy feeling.”

    I can completely identify with this line. And even when I think I’m doing a pretty good job at seeing the whole picture, including an analysis of why other people may be behaving the way they are, I can still end up feeling like I’ve just been rejected, or mocked, or that people are saying one thing to me and another thing behind my back.

    My main consolation and redemption is that I hear many, many other people (well-liked people, too) expressing similar feelings. If it happens to THEM, maybe my own perceptions are a little skewed.

    Then again, there’s always that old piece of advice: “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean people really aren’t out to get you.”

    • IrishRed Says:

      Wow, Sandy. I could have written this myself. It is an enormous relief to know that such well-respected scene peeps go through the same doubts I do. Thanks …

  4. I think it’s cool that even when scene friends piss us off ( which works both ways) ..they atill ARE “scene” friends which is just..INHERENTLY a good thing.
    I hate to sound utterly exclusionary but, for me right now.. vanilla friends just don’t do a thing for me. Prob because of the whole 100% unvarnished honesty element..that just isn’t THERE with them.

    Glad someone talked you off your “ledge”. It’s the badge OF a true friend.

    I’m learning a lot more about tolerance, and appreciating scene friends..the few I my life takes on many changes. You are a gemini and ( I beleive, anyway) you will always experience this duality in your your nature. I just mean all this to say; “Chin up and all that”! 🙂

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