The Needs Of The Many

What’s this? Two days in a row? I must be on a roll.

This was prompted by a chat topic last night which brought up the previously discussed issue about bratting that is intrusive rather than merely fun. The topic shifted to whether Tops have an obligation to dissuade this sort of behavior.

Last night, I finally put a bit of a definition to over-the-top bratting that I think works for me. Bratting is the act of getting another person’s attention for play. Over-the-top bratting is the act of attempting to be the center of attention. The former is playful, the latter utterly selfish. The question is whether Tops should have a stronger role in getting people to stop behaving this way for the good of the community/group/gathering. Do Tops have some kind of responsibility to police the scene?

Now, I don’t mean Tops should go around pushing people around or setting rules for everyone. I think what is being stated is the idea that Tops are in a unique position because the reason someone is bratting is mostly because they are attempting to initiate play. If they are behaving like SuperBrat and in the meantime annoying everyone around them, they are not only trying to initiate play but challenging the entire room of Tops to play. They are basically saying, “Ignore these other bottoms who may desire to play, instead, play with me and only me”. Simply put, the hypothesis is that if a Top or group of Tops refuses to play with someone due to their behavior, it will prompt them to change or at least not reward them for that behavior. In theory, it should work and I understand the reason it makes sense. However, I’m not sure if something like this could be put into practice.

The spanking scene is a strange little place. There exist in equal measure an attitude of “every man for himself” and a notion of community harmony. On one level, I am there to play and that means doing my thing and not really worrying what’s going on “over there”. On the other hand, I don’t like drama and especially despise stupid and idiotic “wars” that erupt in the scene. I’m friends with lots of people and sometimes that means being friends with two or more sides of a disagreement. Because of this reason, I have a sense of people getting along and doing for the group as much as they do for themselves. The problem I see with Tops forming some sort of cartel and shunning those bottoms that defy ettiquette is the same issue that exists with cartels in the real world — it is very difficult to hold them together when one member sees an advantage for himself.

Let’s face it, lots of Tops are extremely competitive in the scene. Perhaps they can get along at dinner or online just shooting the breeze but put them in a party or play situation and it’s like a shark tank in a James Bond movie. Any Top out there who is offended by that can consider themselves in the group of guys who is not like that. The fact is that you can have nine Tops saying they are not going to reward SuperBratty behavior and a tenth who is not only competitive but somewhat desperate who sees this as his only chance to play with a particular person or type of person. Now, it may or may not be true that this one person has every reason to be desperate but the reality is that their perception of themselves makes them behave as if they were. Add a competitive nature and there you go — cartel destroyed.

I think an earlier step can be taken before shunning someone becomes necessary — this was also discussed last night. At some point, there should come a time when adults at a party can speak like adults. Maybe a room or part of a room that is a “no play” zone — people can only act like their vanilla personalities in that space. I think it might be effective if a Top who is the focus of this negative attention takes the person who is trying to prompt play and explaining in no uncertain terms that the overt bratting is not just annoying but rude to the Top and rude to the group. No playing around, no coy remarks, just the plain unvarnished truth. I know it can be difficult to speak to people so honestly because we often have a tendency to not want to hurt the feelings of others (especially friends), but is it being a good friend to say nothing and allow it to get to the point where someone becomes persona non grata? If you discuss this and the person persists, then everyone can move on to the more unpleasant Phase Two.

The fact is that we are all adults doing a consensual act here. As much as we see ourselves as Teachers/students, Dads-Moms/sons-daughters or whatever mask we wear, we are all still the people who walked into the room. If you can’t make an adult understand that there are ways to act and ways not to act then those people are lost.


33 Responses to “The Needs Of The Many”

  1. Thank very much for this post. I’ve been meaning to write some version of it for some time but found it difficult to word properly. You’ve summed up everything I wanted to say so well that I haven’t even really got a comment.

    Oh, wait, actually I did and it was huge. So I’ll blog it instead.

  2. Thanks Rad. This is great. I was in last night’s chat and I loved discussing this particular topic. I agree with you completely. When a bottom is behaving obnoxiously a top should pull that person aside and speak to her/him. If that doesn’t work then you can walk away knowing you tried. If enough tops walk away from that person he/she will be forced to take a look at themselves and their behavior and improve, or they will simply fade out of the scene.

    In my opinion the worst thing a top can do is reward that behavior by giving the bottom what they want, a spanking. It will only ensure that the behavior will never stop. Why should it? They’re getting what they want.

    I also think bottoms have an obligation to let fellow bottoms know that they are over the top with their bratting. I think most bottoms just distance themselves from that person, an effective tactic in the long run, but maybe a direct discussion would be more effective.

    It doesn’t matter what people do in the privacy of their own homes, if you want to set your tops shoes on fire for attention have a blast. When you join a social group (key word being social) you need to be aware and considerate of those around you. And most importantly, learn how to share. The tops aren’t there for just YOU.

    Sometimes bottoms forget that tops have limits too, and those tops need to speak up for themselves. A spanking doesn’t quite cut it but an adult conversation just might.

    At minimum, when I see a top indulging that kind of behavior from a bottom it makes me less inclined to initiate play with that top myself.

  3. sandy richards Says:

    I very much agree with Jules’ comments.

    And I agree with you, Rad, that it’s unrealistic and even unreasonable to expect Tops to “police” the scene. They are there to have fun and have their needs met, just like anyone else.

    However, something that bothers me in the scene is that the excessively bratty bottoms usually get all the dirty looks for their behavior, while the Tops who are engaging with them usually walk away unscathed.

    I accept that there are many styles of play, and I try to be tolerant and accepting. But I rapidly lose patience with grown women who – in a public gathering – throw food, squirt water, pinch, kick or screech at decibels that only a dog should be able to hear. And when they carry on incessantly, I lose respect for them as well.

    As Jules’ said, do whatever you like in private, in agreement with your own Top. But, in a social setting, a certain degree of manners are expected.

    But I have just as little patience and just as little respect for the Tops who encourage endlessly over-the-top, bratty behavior. I don’t feel that a Top who is not in a relationship with that particular bottom has any responsibility to deal with the behavior. But, if they encourage it, they’re just as responsible.

    I guess it comes down to manners. You can’t check them at the door – not in the vanilla world, and not in the kinky world.

    • radagast Says:

      I read your comment a few times before answering. Although I think that it’s correct that the men who encourage bad behavior are responsible to some degree. However, the ones who do that and also tolerate the behavior you mention are probably the folks who wouldn’t care about the discomfort of others. They are having fun and nothing will get in the way of that. I don’t know what can be done to get around those kind of Tops — the ones that enjoy all the things you hate and don’t care.

  4. sandy richards Says:

    I agree with you Rad. Although we all enjoy spanking, there are so many likes, dislikes and styles to accommodate. Usually, with communication and consideration, we can co-exist, learn from each other, enjoy each others’ similarities and differences.

    But, as in all aspects of life, there will always be impolite, self-centered, inconsiderate people – and that isn’t unique to the spanko, BDSM, kinky community. That’s just life.

    As an aside, thanks Rad, for consistently posting such interesting, thought-provoking topics.

  5. My 1.5 cents worth: the shy and perhaps ‘demure’ types..maybe even a newcomer or two..who have their own ‘brand’ of naughty behavior ought to be ‘rewarded’ with attention from time to time too. Luckily, there are tops who love brats, and their are shy girls who like shy Tops. Etc.

    There are the gals in the scene who are ever in demand and they can arrive with a severe head cold and a groucho marx nose on, and they will get spanked plenty.

    then there may be those clammy-handed , pale, poker faced girls hiding behind the hummus bowl ( or what have you) who has her INNER brat doing cartwheeels for a crumb of notice. You get the idea. Maybe.

    I suppose there is always SOME common denominator of communication. Perhaps that lies in that invisible, not-yet-invented “room” of which you speak. No one has gotten the mind-reading part down pat yet. Maybe the Tops are just outnumbered at times.

    • radagast Says:

      Fortunately, I think there are a number of friendly and accommodating Tops that make an effort to engage the “wallflower” types. I can understand, however, that there are also both Tops and bottoms that are in heavy demand and that can cause I certain amount of envy, I suppose.

  6. I guess ‘any port in a storm’ can work for either a top OR a bottom. Luckily for most..there will always be a spanker or spankee accomodating “enough”. Not good to be TOO picky in this scene..if one wants/expects to “play”.

  7. I was once at a gathering where there was incredibly annoying brat behaviour going on. What was even more annoying was that while almost all of the women were really annoyed by the behaviour (and several spoke out about it which resulted in major pouting), none of the men (Tops) even noticed anything was amiss or that there was any sort of problem or tension. Sometimes they’re oblivious! *rolls eyes*

  8. sandy richards Says:

    Personally, I don’t think this issue is about brats vs. wallflowers, or being envious. I’ve never actually seen a female wallflower in the NYC spanking scene. Parties and clubs have to limit the numbers of men and offer financial incentives to women just to try to keep the ratio in check.

    To me, the issue is about being mature and considerate no matter what style of play you prefer, whether you’re a man or a woman. There are so many styles. Some are outgoing, some are more quiet, some are in newbie frenzy and can’t play enough, while others have been in the scene a while and choose to give up a bit of play time for social time. I know my comments were directed at high-spirited brats…only at the incessant brats.

    And I haven’t actually noticed any pale, poker-faced girls behind the hummus, but I’ll be sure to look next time. I loved that description, btw. It made me think of the scene from “It’s a Wonderful Life,” when Jimmy Stewart learns that because he was never born his sweet, beautiful wife, Mary, NEVER MARRIED AND IS CLOSING UP THE LIBRARY. Not only is Mary a single librarian, but she has lost all social skills and seems to have developed a fetish for wearing men’s clothing. lol. That’s who I was suddenly picturing, hovering around the hummus. 🙂

    Anyway, I didn’t get the impression that this topic was about envy. Annoyance, but not envy. Most women I know in this scene usually feel guilty at the end of the night because they weren’t able to play with everyone who asked them.

    I’ve said it before, but I just think this is about being tolerant of all styles, and being polite. I certainly could be wrong, but that’s my take on it.

  9. sandy richards Says:

    Sigh. I should never post late at night.

    I meant to say that my comments were NOT directed at high-spirited brats, or bottoms who engage in age play, or even those who like to spritz a little water or launch an elastic band.

    My comments were only about the brats who are unaware that there is anyone else in the room, or the world, for that matter.

  10. Yeah, silly desciption of mine, Sandy..but, I do so LOVE a good ‘word pic’!
    I need to gently disagree about ‘envy’ though. I think there is a lot of it in the scene. Envy holds hands with insecurity…and can breed ALL sorts of to-do. This is why it can be good to have a small handful of solid play partners whom one can rely on..who are more or less ‘predictable. ‘ Less room for error? More unspoken communication? I don’t know. I’m prob wrong. In the long run, everyone is just gonna do what feels good to THEM.

    • sandy richards Says:

      Lisa, I agree with you about insecurity in the scene. I think it’s rampant. And insecurity and envy are kissin’ cousins. I disagreed with envy because I was picturing a particular behavior…the screeching, then the hitting and then the running and more screeching, and being oblivious to anyone else in the world. And I can guarantee that the emotions I’m feeling when in the orbit of such behavior is not envy.

      But I was thinking specifically, and you were talking generally. And, generally, I see your point. And, you know what, I don’t blame any of us for being insecure. We’re leading these double lives, trying to negotiate our vanilla selves and our scene selves. We’re trying to get what we need in a scene that is emotionally charged and in which people are trying out roles and evolving and trying to get base needs met.

      Some of us are very young, and some of the very young are very immature. Some of us are older, entering the scene later in life and trying to catch up fast, and figure out what we want and how to get it. That’s the thing about human beings’ insecurities – they don’t discriminate based on age, race, gender…

      I’m learning so much on this thread. I think the scene can be rewarding, but challenging for all of us. And whatever behavior might seems annoying or sad or incomprehensible to someone likely stems from insecurity – possibly the insecurity of both the annoying and annoyed.

  11. radagast Says:

    In the end, people have different goals, needs and tolerance levels. It’s hard to make a policy that covers all contingencies when one act might be completely benign to one person and an unbelievable annoyance to another. There are often times when a friend will complain about something and I’ll just say, “Can’t you just ignore it?” — or vice versa.

    I think the level of intrusiveness that I originally posted about is somewhat rare and I tend to notice people. However, I have to point out one thing, there is nothing I or anyone can do if the “annoying” person is simply annoying because of a personality clash. If I’m not involved in this clash or don’t care enough to be, I’m not going to care enough to choose sides. In cases like that, someone might think I was “clueless” about things but it’s just that what bothers one person does not bother me — case closed.

    One more thing which I probably should not bring up but will. I bounce pretty hard off of stereotypes especially the ones that make guys out to be clueless automatons guided by their penis. I’m not kidding when I say that I find that sort of depiction insulting and clichéd. Now it may be true that this person or that person acts in that manner but I’d rather it not be expanded to include all members of a particular gender. Thanks.

    • sandy richards Says:

      Rad, I agree that the behavior we’ve been discussing is, if not rare, certainly not typical. I’ve seen excessive brattiness at Paddles on occasion, and at a party or two – but nothing incessant (borderline, but not incessant). But I think I have a strong reaction because I, like others, experienced incessant , over-the-top behavior in a confined space, for too many consecutive days.

      I think that experience used up my patience for that kind of behavior. I think one thing I’ve learned about spanko gatherings is that you need to be careful to not schedule too many days. Leave them wanting more. And it’s also important for the attendees to break into smaller groups and go their own way, and reconvene during specific times. Too much togetherness will cause frayed nerves.

      This discussion has been great. I’ve realized that I need to remember that my lack of patience is cumulative, and to try to summon some renewed patience for the occasional extreme brat.

  12. munchkin Says:

    hmmm I don’t think some of the comments were saying men were clueless automatons guided by their penises, lol. (Though I do admit that can be a common joke or insult, so I can see guys being irritated by the idea). Just that in this particular instance (the event iggy and sandy are talking about) the guys really did seem to be oblivious to all the tension and that most of the women there were annoyed at the antics of 3-4 “brats” in particular that were shrieking, throwing things, squirting things, pouting, stomping, running, jumping, hurling themselves over sofa backs, shoving, kicking, and jumping over laps indiscriminately. Often in the middle of a conversation one of the rest of us may have been having with a top. Or having a head land in your lap as a girl is shoved over a sofa arm in a wrestling match while you are talking with another person or group. The rest of us were expected to make way for any roughhousing that went on, apparently our “being in the way” by existing was annoying. It can be frustrating for someone like me, who is a bit quieter in general, or the women who just want to play with a friend. It took me 3 days to approach my friend for the first time to ask if he wanted to play and a lot of that was because anytime I came near him to start a conversation someone shot/squirted something, or shoved in between us to hop in place in front of him demanding attention, grabbed his arm to pull him away midsentence, or hurtled into the room shrieking at the top of her lungs crashing through people. I could never get past a couple of sentences without being shoved aside or interrupted. Once we did play for the first time, afterwards, as we were doing the whole thank you, goodbye thing, we got interupted again (by one that had been hovering) bouncing in between us and demanding to have some pictures taken, so I ended up just waving goodbye as I left. It was frustrating that I had developed this friendship over 6 months and anticipated this fun time with him, my first spanking at an event like this with someone I felt close to and in the end basically just got shoved aside by someone louder and brattier. It begins to feel like you need to be equally obnoxious to be noticed in those instances, but for some people that is just not in their personality, and it isn’t in mine. Granted I can be sarcastic or smart-assed or silly, but I’m not going to throw myself on a top to get some attention in competion with someone else.

    The men in this case did seem to just have no clue that most of us were unhappy with the situation. And that when a few women approached some of the ones that were behaving so badly and quietly suggested that they tone it down some, at least one of the “brats” in question apparently became furious and was afterwards rude and insulting and began making a point of pouting and sulking. I don’t think the men were being “led by the penis.” I think part of it was being overwhelmed by all the wildness. There were much fewer tops than bottoms and the few girls frantically angling for attention were getting it. I think mostly by just barging in and not taking no for an answer, and like you mentioned how you were at first, I think the guys felt they were expected to respond to it, though one even admitted to me later that he was annoyed by it. I think they were so busy trying to keep up with the craziness that they were oblivious to what else was going on and so missed all the tension. Hell if they did get a break, they were exhausted.

    I don’t think it should be the Tops’ responsibility to try to police the scene and not give attention to the over the top behavior in general. But I do wish the ones that don’t go for it would be more open about letting that be known. So maybe the bottoms who are being obnoxious could maybe at least get the idea that Tops do not just have to “take it” when being bratted to death and dish out spankings on bratting-command, that some prefer not to play that way. It annoys me when the women who brat obnoxiously seem to take it for granted that Tops should just have to put up with anything they want to do in the name of trying to get spanked. As well as being frustrating for the other bottoms, it’s not fair to the guys.

    • radagast Says:

      I realized my remark about “clueless” males was probably a bit harsh but I let it stand — the benefits of having this be my blog.

      I completely understand what you’re saying and agree with it for the most part. There are times when the “craziness” gets a bit overwhelming and a lot of Tops can barely keep up with it let alone stop and consider what it’s doing to the group as a whole. Hopefully with more discussions like this, we can all find a middle ground that doesn’t constrain one side or annoy the other.

  13. sandy richards Says:

    Oh my gosh munchkin, I’m having flashbacks. Shudder. I do feel compelled to say that most of the people at that gathering were wonderful, some of my favorite people and dear friends. And the organizers went above and beyond to try to make it a great experience for everyone. It just goes to show you how a few can ruin the experience for the many.

    I agree with you, Rad, about generalizations. They suck. But, in this case, munchkin and iggy are both being rather accurate and specific. I’d go further to say that one or two Tops in attendance were being led by their penis. It does happen, which is how stereotypes get footing…the few ruin it for the many.

    I’ll stop now as I don’t want to turn Rad’s blog into a spanko meet support group.

    @munchkin: The irony of what you experienced is that the friend you mentioned has long disliked such bratty antics. He makes an effort to be a good sport, but it’s not really his cup of tea. And yet, it was imposed on both him and you….so unfair.

  14. Ooops…sorry…I wasn’t trying to create a general negative male stereotype when I responded. I like men, some of my favourite people are men!

  15. I wanted to pop in and add a few words. From both the bottom and top sides, excessive bratting can be alternately enlightening and frustrating. From the bottom side, I don’t mind so much when I observe this as long as I’m not pulled into it (ie, if you want to shoot rubber bands or water guns at the tops, don’t hit innocent bystanders, please.) Plus, I generally get enough play at a party, so, when I see someone vying for attention in an over-the-top manner, it doesn’t bother me that much — it really doesn’t have anything to do with ME. I may be observing this person, however, thinking I would not want to get close to him or her because of the neediness he or she displays.

    When I top, I happen to LIKE brats because it tells me I can spank them hard — and I will. But, when I play, I like them to eventually stop bratting and be (or at least ACT) a little repentant and submissive. When I’ve just put a LOT of energy into spanking, strapping, paddling or caning someone, and less than a minute after we’re done he or she is turning around and still making faces, or exploding snappers at my feet, or whatever, I simply get frustrated and want to walk away.

    I don’t need any more respect than anyone else in the scene, I think tops and bottoms are all equal. But if you’re there to be spanked and I spank you and spank you pretty damn hard, please don’t turn around and mock me afterward, act like I didn’t give you enough attention … that’s what it tends to feel like, sometimes, mocking, taunting. It doesn’t feel good.

    On a side note, when a bottom is not submissive and not into punishment play or discipline, it ALSO can be particularly trying. A top is having to deal with real-life bratting and annoying behavior, but can’t REALLY punish the person for it.

    • radagast Says:

      Thanks for this — I agree with almost everything here. I think what a lot of people are saying above is that there is a real world punishment for people who are the way you describe in your last paragraph, namely, either shunning them or just not giving them what they are looking for. The only issue I have with that sort of thing is that a couple of people seem to want to codify that sort of “punishment” rather than leave it up to individuals to do or not to do.

  16. Wow…I just now have stumbled upon this blog and all I have to say is “let’s get real here.” I will say that I am going to be very blunt with some of my opinions about what was posted here, so be forewarned. This is for all the “clammy-hands, pale, poker-faced, hummus eating” bottoms out there.

    Reading words like envy, jealous, insecure, popular….are we still in high school?

    Just because one takes a back seat to the incessant “bratting” that goes on at some events does not mean that they are envious or unpopular, and are unable to get spanked. Let’s face it…spanking is no different then sex…anyone can get it if they want it…it is the quality and not the quantity that some of us look for.

    To me, the insecure ones are the ones who are perpetrating the rowdiness seeking to get the attention of everyone. I find that this type of person is usually very self-centered and is only interested in making friends with those who can satisfy their neediness. I believe Greg House had the correct term for such a person “manipulative bitch”.

    As munchkin stated in her post…what I believe we are talking about here are those who do not care how there behavior affects or interferes with others. At a different event I was at, when ever a “clammy hand, pale, poker-faced, hummus eating” bottom (which I guess would describe me) got the opportunity to play with the “cool guy” at the event…the attention seeking brat would find a way to interrupt. The bottom either was too much of a lady to create a ruckus or frankly no longer wished to play with the “cool guy” if he did not chastise the offender. This has nothing to do with jealousy or envy but with common courtesy. I also do think it is up to the Top to be the one to deal with it…but lets face is…we are all human…and this can be a form of flattery to the person. Also…sometimes it is just awkward and they don’t want to make a bad situation worse.

    Cassandra…I do agree with you and I also generally stay far away from the attention seekers…however, as I stated before, this has nothing to do with whether I am getting enough play as there are nights when I choose not to play at all. My complaint is that THIS behavior at times does interfere with my play, i.e. a bottom interrupts my scene to brat the person I am playing with to get his attention.

    What set me off on this rant was that many of the posts made it sound like the ones who were complaining about obnoxious brats were the ones who were not getting enough and were jealous. Sorry…but that is not always the case.

    • radagast Says:

      I admit that being given attention is quite flattering — I’m sure that’s true of most people. It is very difficult to be showered with that sort of attention and not respond in kind. It reminds me of people who are total strangers to each other until one compliments the other in some way and is met in kind. From that point forward a friendship is born whose origin can be traced to a sort of mutual masturbation.

      Also, I’m a little wary of the kind of namecalling exhibited by the term “manipulative bitch”. I’m sure it was meant in jest and that’s fine, but I don’t really feel comfortable with that level of rancor over something that, in the grand scheme of things, is not that important.

  17. I do apologize if that term was offensive…and yes…it was more in jest…as in someways we are all manipulative…both in a good and bad way.

    I agree that in the grand scheme of things…perhaps what is said is not important…but…I think judging those who feel that over-the-top bratting can be annoying to other as being envious or insecure because perhaps they are not “popular” and can only hope for a Top to show kindness and hopefully accommodate their needs; is in a way just as bad as calling someone a “bitch”.

    Popularity can be based on many things…personality, skill or some other factor and one should be flattered. But one does not need to be popular to also have these qualities.

    • radagast Says:

      I certainly agree with the point that popularity and quality of character have little to do with each other.

  18. sandy richards Says:

    sinny, I agree with so much in your post, and I give you credit for speaking frankly. I think this topic is important. It certainly doesn’t rival world peace, but we’re not discussing world events, we’re discussing BDSM community events. And I think the posts here demonstrate that this is a rather important and, apparently, divisive topic in the spanko world.

    As far as “manipulative bitch,” well, I’m a fan of “House” so I understood the context. But if that term is going to be called out as “namecalling” then I believe “wallflower” and “clammy-handed, pale, poker-faced girls” would certainly be every bit as much namecalling.

    For the record, I don’t believe that either sinny or dayzee or anyone else who’ve used provocative, vivid language intended to name call. But I believe that it shows the depth of feeling this issue sparks.

    What I find interesting is that a topic that I think is about common courtesy and manners, has somehow evolved to some, I think, bizarre scenario akin to a junior high school caste system. I don’t believe this is some adolescent roleplay driven by popularity and envy.

    If I believed that we were all living out some kinky, adolescent version of Ground Hog Day, I’d run as far and fast as possible from the scene. Although, I’ve always rather liked “I’ve Got You Babe.” Catchy tune.

    I think this is about expecting adults to behave like adults – even when they’re behaving like badly behaved children.

    It’s about everyone being considerate. It’s about the more subtle players being patient of the overt brats, who have a right to get their needs met.

    And it’s about the overt brats remembering to give it a rest every now and then. And to be aware of whether the Tops they target or the bottoms in their orbit have consented. I don’t think anyone, target of attention or bystander, should be drawn into someone’s scene without their consent.

  19. So…the question remains…

    If there is someone you’re often around at parties, events, etc. and you generally like the person, but their constant talking and bratting simply irritates you. I’ve encountered this type of person, one in particular, at parties and it’s starting to bother me.

    The person is nice, they’re not a bad person, you like them, but you have begun to distance yourself from them because their style of bratting/etc. is simply bothering you and butts into every type of conversation, even non-scene related, to the point where you just want to tell them to shut up.

    I’ve never been good at confrontation, but thinking about this situation actually makes me sort of nervous…

    • radagast Says:

      Talking to someone about something doesn’t have to be a “confrontation”, it can simply be one person talking to another. No yelling, no bad language, no fingerpointing — just good old fashioned conversation. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

      Personally, I don’t think it’s polite to dominate a room by insisting that one must be heard above all others anyway.

  20. interesting stuff. for the record, I’m not jealous or insecure. I go to parties to have a good time, say hi to friends, and play. My only issue, as a botom, is the idea of “waiting for a turn” when trying to be classy or polite, and the rowdy ones won’t “share” a popular Top’s attention. Sure, it’s “supposed” to be up to him, but….IS it? When it doesn’t cease?

    As has been fairly well established..a little is to be expected, and can be cute. An hour of shrieking and couch jumping is simply bewildering to the average onlooker…especially in a very small space, where it can infringe on others’ personal ophysical boundaries.
    My original comment(s) wasn’t a personal attack as it was erely an observation.

    I’d also like to point out that it can be very puzzling behavior for newcomers to observe. If they feel that the only way to get spanked at a function is to be a brat, and thats not their ‘shtick’..they can tend to sit there and scratch their heads. Maybe it’s an age difference thing. I don’t know. I think ANY opinion in this vein at this point can be inflammatory.

    Luckily, there ARE the kinds of Tops who notice ALL the various kinds of bottoms milling about.

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