Turning It On and Off

Sometimes when I write on this blog, I want to simply put up something positive and/or educational for those folks out there who read. I want to foster discussion, get people interested in the scene who have not really participated and create a general atmosphere that everything is a bed of roses. However, I also use this blog as a place to discuss the other side of things — the sometimes less then good feelings that come out of being in the scene. I believe that is educational by itself and certainly a way for me to express myself.

I don’t look for sympathy on a regular basis. I go to work every day and bust my ass doing what I do whether the results are good, bad or simply frustrating. I don’t care for nor want my coworkers to feel sorry for my plight or to stand there clucking their tongues because that’s what they are supposed to do. I have a coworker that comes into my office nearly every day with yet one more complaint about his job, home life and how he is underpaid. I’m willing to listen to a point but I have my own problems. One person bombarding me with their issues, most of which are self-inflicted, is not a good use of my time considering the fact that I have so much to do on a daily basis. I’m sorry his life is screwed up but he’s free to go and fix it any time he wants.

The same is true in the scene but turned on its head. A lot of the time, I swallow my fears, anxieties and bad feelings because I don’t want to foist them on people out there. If I go to a party or other play gathering, I’m very keenly aware that people are not there to see me put on a sour face and act like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Does it leak out on occasion? Of course and it’s something I feel like crap about. Although I have a wife and friends that will talk to me about things, I often feel that I don’t want to burden them with my garbage when they are just out to have a good time. So I swallow it and just hope it goes away or save it for another time. Whether that’s right or wrong, it’s the way I prefer to handle things.

The sense of unease that’s been with me for a little while now takes its toll. My desire for the spanking scene to be not only something that fulfills my needs but a recreation away from the real world is a strong one. The nagging bad feelings really gnaw away at the kind of serenity that I can get from being involved doing what it is that I enjoy doing. I talk to people I know and get advice. I try to be very communicative with my wife about it all but it doesn’t stop making me feel as if I’m burdening them with my shit. Yes, one more layer of angst.

The way I’ve been feeling is not a huge thing — that’s something I want to point out. It is something that will eventually lessen and then disappear over time and a copious amount of pondering on my part. Actually, I feel that many things have gotten a lot clearer recently but have yet to be fully worked through in my head. What I do know is that there is a time for everything and although my angst can crop up anywhere, I have to continue to be aware that there are places where it’s intrusive on other people and bad manners.


15 Responses to “Turning It On and Off”

  1. I think true friends TRY to understand..and it’s also a known ‘fact’, more or less.. that it can be hard for a man to ask for “help”..or directions, or advice. You guys internalize things too much, and your health suffers. Obviously, this goes for women, as well.

    I don’t think showing up at a party with a less than gleaming mood is bad manners, as much as it is just being a person. . I think the whole REASON we are in this ‘scene’ is to be able to BE ourselves, warts and all. WE are just human beings..with ups and downs.

    Many’s the time I have walked into a party thinking it was gonna be this automatic ‘happy pill’ and then..if it isn’t I have a gnawing feeling of regret and resentment. But..it’s not the party’s fault..it’s just a mood. Luckily, most bad phases lessen/change/dissipate. I hope yours does. Not for “our” sake, but for yours.

    I think it’s interesting that..when you are stressed, you need for the scene to take on a ‘recreation away from the real world’ quality. For me..I tend to want to escape into it at times of my stress..wishing it COULD be the ‘real world’..that it didn’t have to be like going to a costume party. I’m merely noticing the difference here..not disparaging at all. I think themes of D/s can creep in and give us all “comfort” when we want them…other times we seek them and they aren’t there..

    in any event, it’s good that you can share your feelings on your blog. A bad mood certainly doesn’t make you ( or anyone) a bad person.

    • radagast Says:

      I can’t afford to have wishes like that as pleasant as they may seem. I have dreams and I have aspirations but I can’t expend energy wishing life were a certain way when it is not. I have said it before — spanking is not just a desire or a need but a recreation as well. It is something that I enjoy doing and being involved in and has been about so much more than titillation. I have made real friends there and hope to make a lot more. The connection I feel to them is what is real, not the momentary play times as good as they may be.

      That said, spanking as an activity tends to be my home away from home. I know it is not a place that can trump the importance of my real life but it is something that, for a brief time here or there, offers me an escape to a better place.

  2. We all have our bad moods – I’ve been in one for a month now. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how to kick it…but I do know that it will eventually pass. It’s the waiting for it to be over that’s hard, and the trying not to bring friends and family down with me.

    @Lisa, I’ve been there as well – walking into a party and expecting instantly to have all my cares and woes and bad mood disappear. Doesn’t happen, although I will say that being with like-minded folks does help some.

    Keep writing and sharing, Rad. It helps a lot to know your blog is here.

    • radagast Says:

      I’m sorry you have not been in a good place and hope that your mood will dispel sooner rather than later.

  3. munchkin Says:

    I’m sorry you are having these kinds of bad feelings. I’ve had a bunch of crappy stuff going on the last few months and it’s really kind of worn me down. I’ve sort of been in the same boat as far as angst about it bleeding over into my spanko activities. The FMS has been something I’ve really been looking forward to, but I’ve been worried that I’m going to drag all this depression/stress junk with me. On the one hand, it’s been my lifeline of hope that I can just dive into spending time with friends and have a good time and at least temporarily forget everything. On the other hand, I’m worried I won’t be able to let things go for the weekend and will be a Debbie Downer instead. Hopefully things will lean more towards the former.

    Hey maybe you and I can compete to see who can be the least Eeyore-ish at the party πŸ™‚

    • radagast Says:

      I don’t plan on being a downer at this party — I am looking forward to kicking back and enjoying myself with people I want to be around doing things I want to do.

  4. It’s been a bit of a slog on this side of the pond too and we’re straining towards FMS with our whole hearts at the moment.

    I feel as if I know what you mean when you talk about the angst and the nagging bad feelings and wanting to keep all the “junk” out of the spanking part of your life, not wanting to pollute it or force other people to encounter anything but the best, shiniest bits, which is what we’re all there for. And I think you’re right that for the most part, the effort is a worthy one and the right impulse. But if a little angst sloshes over now and then, you’re not ruining anything for anyone, you’re being human. That’s a very different thing from moping and sulking around a room hoping someone will notice and take some action to comfort you. I’ve seen this behaviour more often than I like to think of and even, in my weaker moments, been tempted to do it myself. But I doubt you’re in any danger of that.

    There are times, writing my blog, where I wonder if this or that post is too emotional to put up, if people just want to hear happy stories of spanking adventures, but most of the time, I go ahead and put it up. The blog world is very different from the party world (even when they overlap) and I think people like to use this arena to work things out. I also think it’s useful for people new to the scene to hear/read about the ups and downs, because we all experience them sooner or later. I know it has been helpful for me to read about what other people go through.

    • radagast Says:

      caroline: I know what you mean. I often use this space as sort of self-therapy or exploration. Sometimes just writing about it gives me insight that I did not have before.

  5. Caroline..I feel/beleive that ones own personal blog is the final frontier of self expression. If you are using it as a means of catharsis..and never to ‘out’ or hurt anyone..I can’t ever see harm in telling it like it is..wholly from your own perspective. Thats the bottom line of a blog. When you re-read your entries over time..it’s amazing how you “see” your own journey unfold…no? I know with mine…life being what it is, with its ebb and flow , it will no doubt get ‘silly’ , lighthearted, or even bland again. I am seeing every day as a new page..chapter..story…
    you’re a cool chick πŸ™‚

    (Sorry, Rad. I borrowed your blogspace. )

  6. Anonymous Says:

    Some very well put responses above…

    Only last Saturday at the monthly club night we attend, I could definitely feel myself lugging a suitcase of negative R/L related energy behind me. It rarely happens as being around spankos automatically lifts my spirits and nothing else distracts me more but the other night was strange. So much so that a person I really like and respect got the completely wrong notion that I didn’t like her all of a sudden. Probably because I was a bit short or snappy with her during the night. Course I never realised or picked up on this at all such was my introspection. It worried her so much that she was listing things in her head that she might have done to offend me. Which couldn’t have been further from the truth. And then she considered not saying anything and resigning to be socially awkward around me at the next event. Thankfully she plucked up the courage (she’s a bit shy!) to approach me via Caroline and it’s all sorted now so we’re back to being good buddies. Thing is I felt awful that my dour mood could have that effect on someone. It really bugs me. Bad enough that I feel crap but low-buzzing another compounds it. Scene time is supposed to be super-duper sunny shiny happy people time (especially for me!)

    So Rad you’re not alone. Great post. I reckon we could all do with a sunny holiday soon πŸ™‚

  7. Oops! That was me just there now above!
    Frank from Ireland

  8. I’ve posted on my blog about my participation in 12-step recovery. For the past 10 weeks (roughly) I’ve attended about 5 meetings per week. Since I have shared at almost every meeting (sometimes some pretty gnarly, deeply personal stuff) it has given a safe place to be completely honest about my feelings. It’s also made me aware that I needed to get stuff off my chest, but in the past I had a tendency to just vent to whomever would listen, not always appropriately either.

    Anyway, my point is that we all have a need to share, but, like that coworker that complains, it ain’t alright to just share (or complain) to anyone that will lend an ear. You have to find the right people or venue for it and the chance of all those needs being met within one relatively small community (i.e. the Spanking Scene) is pretty small, IMHO.

    • radagast Says:

      First of all, good luck with your personal journey. Being proactive in helping yourself is very satisfying.

      As to the other point, I agree totally. It’s not that some people lack empathy for you, but like you said, you have to find the right person with the right level of empathy.

  9. @Smiling, …I’ve found that sharing TOO much can also sometimes turn around and bite you in the ass. It’s a calculated risk, to be sure.

    Hey –CONGRATS on your recovery program!

  10. I also wanted to say that something I learned in theatre really helps me if I’m in a crappy headspace going into a party, etc. I had a director tell us early on in my “career” to “leave the world at the stage door”. Leave your day and your worries and your issues at the door…they will always still be there for you to pick up on the way out.

    Sometimes I go as far as doing a visualization of this before I take myself into a situation where I know I owe it to others to be at my best, be it a party, a rehearsal, a job, a night out with friends. It might sound a bit woo-woo, but it works for me. I take a minute to think about the things that have gone on that day, the troubles that are on my mind, the pesky emotions that are dragging me down, and then I imagine setting them down and stepping over an invisible line. It always, always makes a difference when I take the time to do this.

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