Let’s Get Serious

Although the second OTK Night (at Paddles) of the month will be a fun excursion tonight, I’m turning this into a serious Saturday by touching on a subject that probably affects a lot of people in the scene. Sometimes the mass of emotions is turned inward rather than outward and has to be addressed one way or another.

OK, that was a cryptic tease on the front page — sorry about that. I’ll illustrate what I’m talking about by saying that in two short days, the arbitrary number we attach to our lives ticks up one more notch. I’ve already told someone that I’ll be watching my Fetlife profile to see it change at midnight Monday but I’m not really going to do that. That number, which we call “age”, is arbitrary for one reason — it means nothing. We’re aging all the time with every tick of the clock. I’ve aged from the time I started writing this to when I’m writing these words. To tell you the truth, I dont’ feel any different nor do I feel any different than I did when I first got into the spanking scene in early 2005.

Let me lay it on the line as quickly as I can. There are a good number of people who are constantly worried about getting older, letting that incontrovertible fact really get inside their heads and sap their strength or joy or peace of mind. They make the mistake of connecting age with likeability which really have little to do with each other. For example, I don’t play with people with a concern about what age they are no matter whether they are older or younger than me. Enjoying playing with them — getting something out of it is what’s important to me and I assume is what’s important to them in choosing me as a play partner. Enjoying being with a person is what makes people friends or more and has little to do with any cosmetic reality.

Looks are another thing that really work their way into people’s heads but I don’t know what can be done about that. Both women and men in the scene are constantly aware when the “pretty young thing” walks into the room. This PYT can be either male or female — that person that walks in and suddenly a group of whichever gender are acting like raw meat has been thrown into the cage. The fact is that certain people, perhaps in a generally accepted way, just look better than others. A guy who looks like he should be modelling sweaters for an Abercrombie & Fitch ad looks nothing like me. I will never look like that guy nor will I get the attention he probably gets when he walks into a room. Should I sit in a chair and kvetch about the fact that I’m not a model? I see lots of people every day that are not models — why is it that they don’t seem so lonely to me? I see them with partners and friends but they are not models. How can that be? Ah, perhaps looks aren’t everything or maybe, just maybe, what’s attractive to one person is not the same thing that’s attractive to another. It might just be window dressing in front of a store you were already going to walk into.

Let’s face it, this article is like therapy and definitely self-therapy. I suffer from all those feelings, too. I can feel inadequate and “lesser” than someone else which makes me feel undesireable and old. Then I do what I did above which is to think it through and dispel those evil thoughts. In the end, I’m left with one mantra, “So fucking what?” I really can’t be bothered to worry about what some other person’s age, what they look  like or what they are doing at the expense of my own enjoyment and happiness. We can’t invent rejections that have not occurred otherwise we would never be able to do anything in life let alone be happy.


13 Responses to “Let’s Get Serious”

  1. First of all, Happy Birthday. You know, old man, from one chrome dome to another, we can’t help but wish to be younger or better looking sometimes. It’s only natural to feel some inferiority, right? Everybody does.

    Being in my mid-30s, I have been jealous of the younger people in the scene at times. My best guess is that these feelings are, at their origin, a kind of regret that I didn’t fully experience my 20’s in the way I wished I had. I do kick myself for not having joined the scene a decade ago, rather than spending those years trapped in my own isolation. But, then again, it could have been 20 years, or 30 years, before I joined the scene. For many people, that’s how long it takes.

    Anyway, there no use wringing my hands over the past. So, instead of worrying about what’s over and done with, I’d rather be thankful for the people who have made me welcome in the scene, such as yourself, Rad.

  2. I do believe you will have a hard time finding someone, young or old, who does not harbor those feelings of insecurity. I can think of people who are young and gorgeous and still feel this way. When I was turning 25 — 25, for god’s sake! — I thought I was too old and felt depressed that I had not accomplished all the things I was “supposed” to accomplish by 25. Geez. “I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now…”

  3. radagast Says:

    Whenever I hit some age milestone, I always think about those people who achieved things by that age. As a fan of the band Genesis, I’m always amazed that these young guys, all in their early 20s, were consistently putting out such forward looking and complex music. It’s incredible.

  4. Peter Gabriel and those guys have their regrets and insecurities, too. Count on it.

  5. scChris Says:

    Sandy is quoting Dylan! I am going to go see him play this summer. I am turning 40 this year. That is a big milestone. The social scientists consider it the move from young adulthood to middle adulthood. I am just content to have a life experience behind me, and I am grateful for whatever is coming. I think that a kindhearted spirit, a kindredness, is sexy at any age.

  6. scChris — I neglected to mention that my life right now is beyond my wildest dreams. I didn’t think I’d be where I’d be, but I am having the time of my life, with a good handful of solid friendships, healthier than ever, and more and more just exploring what I enjoy. Even my job, which I bitch about far too much, is one of the best I’ve had in years, allowing me much more creativity than other places I’ve worked. Turning 40 was certainly scary, but that was the year I moved to NY and started the next phase of my life.

  7. scChris said it well. While I wouldn’t mind being able to get in shape quickly the way I could in my 20’s, or being able to pull all-nighters to get important projects finished, I don’t want to go back there again. There were so many painful lessons to learn, and I’m so much more comfortable with myself than I was then. Even though I thought I was pretty comfortable with myself at the time. I think that’s part of the reason it took me till my 40s to come out to myself as kinky– I just had to reach that level of comfort. Watching the scene minefields that some of the younger players have to navigate, I have no regrets waiting until I was old enough to say no when I wanted to. For those who are out there younger, good for you for being able to express yourself like this at such a young age. I admire that, even if I’m not sure I would have been able to handle it well.

  8. it was hard for me to turn 43 this year.. prob mainly because it ” sounds” old to me.. and, I identify as a ” little girl” in this scene..for the most part.

    As far as looks, thank GOD they are arbitrary and subjective. We all have our ‘types’, and..as Granny used to say ” there’s a pot for every lid”.

    What I find to be bothersome is that the men I am very attracted to aren’t attracted to ME..and the ones who DO “like” me.. I find lacking in the appeal/charm department.

    Oh and..Grams also used to say ” pretty is as pretty does”. Looks might get you in the door, scene wise or other-wise, but if you arent a nice, kind, open and loving-hearted person, ( i.e. or dumb as a box of hair) people MIGHT just lose interest..unless all they want to do is use that person. Either way, it’s sad.

    C’est Le Vie. Older and wiser, right? It seems life makes LESS sense, the older we get. Fear not, Rad..there IS less stigma attached to a man getting older than a female… Hippo Birdy two ewe….btw.

  9. I don’t have anything to add except:

    Happy Birthday, Rad!! I hope it’s a great one. 🙂

  10. Happy Birthday Rad!!

    Lots of Birthday Hugs 😉

  11. Loved this. It inspired my own blog post today. Thanks, and Happy Birthday!

  12. swfloridabrat Says:

    Belated Happy Birthday! Another wonderful year of growth and the ebbing of insecurities…

  13. katy-lynn Says:

    Happy belated *B* day!!!

    hugggggggggggggggggggsssssss … 🙂


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