Welcome To My World

To paraphrase a good friend of mine, vanilla life is kicking my ass.

I have few escapes from the stresses of vanilla life: Computer games, writing, music and spanking. That last one is a particular favorite these days although even that gets stressful at times, mostly due to my neverending battle for truth, justice and angst. However, even with all the bumps along the way, the spanking scene and the actual activity itself fail to get old even when I sometimes wonder to myself, “What am I doing?”

Some of you know that my personal life has been filled with familial stresses and my professional life filled with the kind of pressure that comes from being surrounded by incompetents. These things, especially the former, really suck the life out of me at times. I know that many folks out there, if not all, also feel their non-scene life forcing itself over the border into their scene lives, shoving the good times aside with reminders that there is a hot and dusty place just beyond the oasis. This is what has been happening to me over the last handful of months. My posting has gone from every day to (maybe) every other day. It’s not that I thought I was posting too much or that what I was saying was somehow watered-down, it’s just that having your mind taken up by grief and worries leaves little room for creativity or the desire to be creative. However, I do try.

My creativity is not just relegated to what I do for a living or what I like to do when sitting in front of a computer tapping out the words — I consider my scene life to also be an expression of my creativity. Allowing my thoughts to focus in a certain way to create a little bubble inside which a partner and I can escape for a bit is the definition of artistic creation. It may not be a painting, novel or symphony but it is a sort of performance art in and of itself. Even a real punishment scene has that hopefully satisfying beginning, middle and end that gives me that sense of completion plus it’s easier to understand than Jackson Pollack or T.S. Elliot. The strange thing is that even when I go through bouts of wondering why I’m involved in this-thing-of-ours and thinking it might be best to hang up my lap in retirement, the pull of creating a “performance” is strong enough to give me the shake I need to keep doing what I’m doing.

So I continue forward both within the scene and here on this blog. There are times the words just don’t want to come out and have to be tricked to expose themselves to daylight but they eventually show up. Not everything I write is a gem — so what. Imagine the guy who wins the Pulitzer Prize with his first novel and can never repeat no matter how he tries. Give up or keep going? Creative people know the answer to that question.

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13 Responses to “Welcome To My World”

  1. Your blogs are always peppered with gems, Rad. Today’s is no exception, to put it mildly.

    Stress can zap the zest out of the most stalwart of spankers. Cut yourself some slack!

    I think it is fairly common for us all to take that step back now and again with the question:… ” what AM I doing..am I stil loving this?” and then you get that FEELING again, and voila!..: you have your answer.

    I like what you said about creativity– ‘performnce’ art…and that bubble. I so agree.

    Don’t you DARE retire that lap of yours! There would be an outcry and an uprising the likes of which the world can’t handle! 😉 xo

    • radagast Says:

      This is not the first time you have told me to cut myself some slack — enough repetition and it will finally sink in.

  2. Great blog today, Rad. I feel as though you’re speaking to me.

    I whole-heartedly agree with Lisa – don’t even THINK about retiring your lap…I would be part of the hue and cry.

    • radagast Says:

      Susan: Hope what I wrote is helpful. As for the hues and cries — they only feed my ego so keep ’em coming.

  3. there’s humor in repetition..there’s humor in repetition, ..there’s humor in repetition, et al .

    So …what? I’m not original, now? Worry gets your nowhere. I stand by my advice.

  4. I am sad that I can’t spell.

  5. Rad, it has impressed me how strong your desire is and how often you and your scene friends participate – from what I’ve read here, it can be hours at time, often weekly. It’s an interesting part of life how the intensity of any urge can be diminished after is has been satisfied. If your ‘recharge’ time has changed, some scientific observation and amateur behavioral study can help sync it to the fixed schedule of gatherings/opportunity. You seem to be experiencing some of the pressures of the professional performer (of any type) without being a professional, only a perfectionist 😉

    • radagast Says:

      An interesting point. So my recharge time fluctuates based upon my experience within the scene as well as external factors.

  6. Rad..DO you play a lot?? ( har har)

  7. I love what you said about the pull of performance. I’m not experienced, but I think for me, if not most of us, it’s more about the drama than the pain. (Creative, in-scene drama. Not the other annoying kind.)

  8. I know I am an annoying chatterbox. I know it, ok? ..just wanted to agree with graham in that ( well, for me) it’s at least 80% ‘drama’..20% ‘pain’ ( if that). Actually, the ‘pain’ is almost incidental. I am all about the drama of the scolding and confrontation. The pain just cements the fact that I am being punished.

  9. loretta Says:

    rad, you are speaking to me when you talk about the vanilla vs scene life. for me I find the scene life is really the real life. It’s what I most like to do. crave to do, and can’t get enough of. when we are doing the vanilla thing, i just go thru the paces, almost robotic. I have found the people met in the scene are much more interesting, than any of my vanilla friends, I wonder if they feel the same about me?”my vanilla friends that is” Maybe its just the fact that I love the city so much, and all of our kink is here. who knows, but what I do know is that since entering this new lifestyle, We will never look back. Hope to see you guys the 16th

    J&L

  10. Lovely post, Rad.

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