Post Party Blues and Other Such Things

People who go to spanking gatherings of any significant size know about it especially after a weekend-long affair. The dreaded bout of depression the during the week afterwards.

I was really surprised the first time it happened to me. I think it was after my first big party, Shadow Lane in Palm Springs 2005. I went home and my elation at having gone came to a grinding halt — I felt like shit. I’d gotten post-vacation blues in the past but this was a more intense feeling for me. I had just spent time with like-minded folks doing what I enjoyed in an open and honest way. Going back to my closeted real life was quite a letdown after the freedom of a spanking party. As time has gone by, I’ve come to recognize why I feel so down after these parties. It’s sort of like the crappy way after going to summer camp (the few times I did that). It’s not my real life that is depressing me, it’s the fact that I’m not hanging out with my pals.

I don’t know about other folks out there but I don’t really have a lot of friends. The two places I socialize are at work and in the spanking scene so all of my acquaintances come from those two worlds. Now, I can’t think of anything less appealing than spending quality time with some of the douchebags I rub elbows with at my job. There is a very strict caste system at work there and I tend to fall outside all of them. I get along with people but hanging out with any of these folks after a long day is just not going to happen if I can help it. Any non-scene friends I had outside of work have long since disappeared for a variety of reasons.

The truth is that most of my friends are in the scene — I don’t offer that with any judgment other than the fact that it is the truth. The freedom to be myself around these folks is what makes the relationships so real to me. It’s not as if I’m hanging out all the time with my scene friends (OK, maybe online) but I certainly see a lot of great deal more than I saw my vanilla (there’s that word again) friends back in the day. So at the risk of sounding completely sappy, I feel down after a big party because, frankly, I miss my friends and can’t wait until the next time I get to spend time with them.

Yes, vanilla time is good since it makes me appreciate the fun times even more — plus it gives me a chance to get better acquainted with the computer games I’ve been neglecting. However, if I had to choose, I don’t think there’s any question in which world I’d like to spend more time (Hint: It’s the one where a cat is not currently trying to chew through the wire leading to my speakers).


14 Responses to “Post Party Blues and Other Such Things”

  1. Rad..I totally hear ya. ( and I always have to laugh at picturing your crazy cats’ antics!)

    I think one hears so much about ” sub-drop” after a party..we tend to forget that Tops go through it too. It’s just natural..the coming down after an emotional, adrenaline-fed and almost euphoric “high”.

    We all tend to get positively giddy about being able to fully be ourselves with our scene friends. Makes V-word life that much more dull…although I try to guard against that. Mainstream life is what pays the bills, after all.

    To see ME at my job on a Friday before a party or Paddles is to see a person who shouldn’t be trusted taking care of grandma.
    I am just EVER so slightly ‘distracted’..shall we say!

    Speaking of sounding ‘sappy’….I not only have ZERO ‘V’ friends but, my scene friends are damn near becoming absolutely like family to me now.

    After just under a year of coming “back” into the spanking community, I find that I now have surrogate kids, parents, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews ( and some kooky neighbors thrown in for good measure, I think!)

    And, like all families, there can be discord..but I think thats because we all feel our feelings at a really intensified level.

  2. The question is how long you’re down after the party. From what I have read here you’ve scheduled things pretty well, and it seems like it shouldn’t take more than a few days for you to start anticipating the next event. The Blues are a long-term thing.

    In this over-worked world of ours, it seems that so many people are withdrawing from the general SOCIAL scene. The younger New Yorkers have it right – out every night they can. There’s something about being with other people that is good for the spirit. Going out (but not staying up to excess) may cause a person to lose some sleep, but not getting around does worse psychic damage. I’m sure that your scene friends would like to hang without even mentioning spanking.

  3. @MVee–no we wouldn’t!

    ( Frankly, it’s not possible. )


    I do agree that lack of sleep can be quite debilitating .

    In a way its kinda sweet about post party blues, as it indicates one has a really good time at parties.

  4. Great post, Rad. I appreciate your honesty here. Besides the friendship issue, there is also the fact of coming down from a literal high, which is induced for a number of reasons: anticipation, the act of play, the energy of the party which lifts us up, etc. It’s all very stimulating.
    But, what you brought up is very interesting to me because it deals with the social identity aspect of being kinky. I have felt very isolated for almost my entire life, because of my sexuality, and this feeling has only increased over time. It’s been very helpful to me to be a part of the BDSM community and to build friendships and bridges through it. But, I still suffer from a sense of isolation and loneliness. And this is a very big part of the post-party comedown.
    I’m not going to get on my soapbox, but I’ll just say that, I am working on becoming more honest about my sexuality with trusted friends who are outside of the BDSM community. This is a very difficult step, but I have come to the conclusion that it’s the only way I will ever end this torturous loneliness.

    • SD: You know yourself better then we do. If your feeling is that you need to open up to a few trusted friends, then that is what you need to do for yourself.

      It can be hard sometimes. I have made some wonderful friends in this scene, whom I adore to pieces, but there are times when I’m at an event and just desperately miss the life long bond of my non-scene friends. Scene friends may have my deepest, longest held fantasy, but non-scene friends have everything else, and they have seen me through worse things then a spanking fetish.

      I know for myself, as soon as I opened up to one or two non-scene people about my interest in spanking and the parties I go to I just felt tremendously relieved…things started feeling in balance again. I hope you find the balance you’re looking for.

  5. radagast Says:

    Lisa has it right. My scene friends probably have their fill of me without being subjected to my antics at non-scene events.

    SD: Your life is your own to do with as you please — that is the libertarian streak in my philosophy. I could throw caution to the wind and decide to “come out” to various non-kinky friends except that most, if not all, of those people are in my field of employment. Second, third and fourth thoughts abound and I will probably never come out to those people. That leaves family and I bounce pretty hard off of announcing any part of my sexuality to family members. There might be ones that are “cooler” than the rest but the gossip would still be flying.

  6. Rad, your comment brings me around once again to the puzzlement I feel about why some of “us” would show our kinkier sides to non-spanking people. Why poke a stick at a potential hornet’s nest? Perhaps some of us still have so much shame/guilt that gathering derision from others ‘helps’ us …? Does it enable more of a sense of spanking- as- illicit- behavior..and therefore even kinkier?

    For my part, I have no need to ever bring this up to mainstream people, and if it does come up..there might be a blush or two but I am also libertarian enough to not give too much of a rat’s ass about what others think of me. Strangely enough, I care far more about how my “scene” friends perceive me!

    My feeling these days is definitely one of ” life is too short to not fully be yourself ” and enjoy something in and about yourself that we never had a hand in having to begin with. I agree with SD, and others..about how we are just hardwired.

  7. radagast Says:

    Lisa: I only speak for myself and my experience in this regard. There is exactly one non-kinky person who knows about my kink and it’s someone I have the utmost trust in. Everyone else is on a not-your-business basis.

  8. Rad, I once had a ‘deep’ ( wine fueled..back in the day..) conversation with a VERY close girlfriend of mine ..(we had known each other since age 11..and at one point she was marrried to my brother)….about sexuality and relationhips.. etc.
    I truly thought I could trust her–that she would be unshockable. Well, I was wrong. I made some comment/reference to my ex ‘taking off his belt in the bedroom’ and I shall never forget the look of fear/horror/revulsion on her face. When I tried to ‘backpedal’…by explaining that I liked/desired this…it only made it worse. We have never been friends since. So..even though I do say I am not ashamed..for mySELF about what I am into ..I never see a need to disclose it to anyone outside this fray.

  9. We can blame it on the wine, and the lesson to all who should ever be in this situation is to use the strategy that’s called “The Cat’s on the Roof” I’m referring to a 100 year old joke, where a person returning from a trip is told right off that his cat had died. He said, ‘couldn’t you have broken it to me a little easier? Like first saying, “the cat’s on the roof”, then saying, “but there was a wind”…’ and so on. (Punchline available on request)

    The world at large has been conditioned to see the scene as being from out of the Al Pacino ‘Cruising’ movie. They don’t view it as play. Let me suggest a strategy – One has to tell only a very little bit, and then judge the reaction, leaving an early escape route. I imagine that it might have been easier for the storyteller in that situation to admit to being pleasantly surprised by a ‘love tap’ first, and then progressing to an admission of ‘trying a little’ OTK. Then make them beg to know more if they are really interested and can show they can handle it.

  10. radagast Says:

    I don’t think anyone remembers the Al Pacino movie Cruising (let alone the utterly forgettable Author, Author).

  11. I saw Cruising. I have a policy whereby I pretty much HAVE to see all Pacino flicks. Dated and formulaic and cringingly stereotypical of the perception of “cruising” in the seedy NYC nightlife.

    BUT…Author Author was adorable! Have you no heart, Rad?? 🙂

  12. @MVee…if any of that was aimed at all at my anecdote above:….that particular girlfriend was a VERY good and trusted longtime friend. There seemed to be no need to ‘ease’ into the topic of sexual she and I traversed a religious cult together, saw, and heard and did a LOT ..been through multiple marriages and kids, and shared every conceivable secret. I guess S/m was the final frontier. Also, she was a drinking buddy..and when I realized I had a problem..THAT became a problem for her as well. I suppose I agree with you, in that I will likely never bring up spanking again to a NON participant. There is no point in it.

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