That Hugging Thing

I’ve never understood where this comes from or what purpose it serves.

If this comes out indelicately then let it.

The after spanking hug is something that I’ve never really been comfortable with. I do it, especially with people who are friends of mine, but it’s a ritual I don’t quite understand. What is it meant to denote? That everything is “all right” and that there are no real hard feelings after someone’s ass has been beaten? Is it some kind of substitute for intimacy after an act which is in and of itself intimate? The part of me that still resides in the vanilla world finds it all rather odd.

I come from a family of very intimately challenged people. There was not a lot of touching or hugging or kissing in my family so I grew up not really being comfortable with being touched or hugged unless it was someone who I was already close with. Entering into the scene, I started asking people who were experienced in the ways of the spanking world to instruct me on the proper way to act. Invariably they would all end with something like, “…and then you hug after it’s over”. Hug? The first time it happened it was all rather strange — I didn’t know how I was supposed to act. I had just spanked someone and then all of a sudden it’s hugging time. I actually think my body stiffened up because someone was touching me. After the experiences piled up and the years passed, I got used to it even though I’ve never quite understood the purpose behind it.

The reason I bring this up right now is because of one thing that happened at last night’s SSNY party (a great party, by the way). I had played with someone I had just met when it all ended and we stared at each other. So I did what was done with me those many years ago and I gave her a hug. Her reaction reminded me of me back then — sort of awkward yet resigned to it all. Perhaps, like me, she viewed the ritual as corny. So there I am, hugging this person who probably does not want to hug me and it dawns on me — holy shit, now I’m the serial hugger. I have become my own worst nightmare, grabbing and hugging people for no reason. I suppose it’s not bad enough that I’m slapping a strangers bare bottom with my hand but now I’m the touchy-feely huggy guy as well.

You have to understand why this is very distressing to me and I’ll illustrate with an example. There are times when people talk to me who bore the crap out of my life. I can’t wait to get away from their plumbing or haircut stories. My worst horror in life is to be talking with someone and suddenly see in their eyes that they can’t wait to get away from me and I become the boring haircut story person. Now all of a sudden, after all this time in the scene, I’m someone else’s crazy hugging guy. I can hear it now: “I went to a spanking party and played with some guy and he hugged me like some kind of rabid animal”.

Great. Just great.


22 Responses to “That Hugging Thing”

  1. I think you can err on the side of caution. Most spankees I know like hugs after spankings. Some tops do that creepy rubbing or try to cop a feel. So hugging is really not a big deal. If you don’t like it, of course, you are never obligated.

  2. munchkin Says:

    I’ve done the hugging with the few friends (4) that have spanked me at the 2 parties I’ve been to. I guess mostly because I was told that’s how it goes lol. I don’t mind it and these guys were friends. Not sure how I would feel with more of a stranger at an event. It would definitely feel awkward. I’m usually not much of a hugger at all unless I’m really close to someone. Actually, a few years ago I probably would have backed away, but I worked with disabled kids for a few years, and now with the elderly, so I’ve gotten over my hugging aversion out of necessity.

    It’s funny you brought this up now because I just had my first real one-on-one play date with a new friend this past week. He’s totally new at all this so doesn’t know “the rules” about that kind of thing so I just didn’t mention it thinking it would be no big deal. Plus we were there like 3 hours playing on and off so what were we gonna do? Hug after each spanking? That would just start to seem stupid pretty quickly so I was sort of glad it probably wouldn’t come up.

    But the weird thing is, after a couple hours I started feeling kind of…..I don’t know….clingy or something. Kind of like I needed…..a hug! So then I felt really weird, I didn’t want to throw myself on this poor guy, being like you say, the freaky serial hugger against his will. But I was feeling rather needy all of a sudden. I suddenly needed that extra connection despite having had the physical connection of being over his lap and being spanked, I don’t know why. So maybe this whole hugging thing came about from some women finding they needed that extra connection, and it just blossomed from there to being “the thing to do.” I never did go for the hug while we were in the room. He did hug me as we were getting into our cars to leave, but that’s more normal to me, hugging a friend to say goodbye.

  3. Wow – I could clearly hear your voice in my head as I read your post and I had this stupid grin on my face because I could just imagine having this conversation with you in person.

    I can see where you’re coming from. I tend to follow a persons lead after playing with them. If they go in for a hug, I will too. If they seem uncomfortable with the hug thing… then a handshake it is!
    Just teasing – no hugging is ok too, of course.

    Personally, I like hugs after a spanking, mostly just a quick hug that says thanks and I appreciate you.

  4. Rad, I’m sorry that all that party awkwardness got your Huggies in a knot. ( sorry).
    I enjoy a good hug as much as the next person..but not when it is expected or phoney. I also agree that it can be corny, and de riguer in its insincerity. I’ts the spankos answer to ” love you–mean it” at times.

    I think it is entirely welcome with a good friend…especially if the spanking perhaps holds a little more meaning than a brief very casual party ‘fling’.

    Remember when we were kids..? ” Mom! he/she is touching me!!”. It’s kinda like that. Its the personal space thing.

    I don’t like all the guys that grab and hug and do the ass-pat or squeeze just because ; ” well IS a spanking party , after all”.

    This community comes with its own rules and etiquette…because yeah, there are hands and bare bottoms all over the place…BUT ..once the spanking is over..and clothing is once again intact..I think it’s a good idea to go back to regular social or party rules of conduct.

    Spanking– as an activity… carries with it a certain amount of expected ” intimacy”….open to the interpretations of the player , BUT…in a certain way, hugging can be a pretty intimate thing too..and not always appropriate or comfortable. I do it reluctantly a lot of times.

    As to YOU being the boring haircut story guy…? I don’t see how that is possible…as you are bald. ( and FAR from boring)

  5. So maybe the hug or handshake should be something discussed beforehand.
    Would it be safe to assume that if there’s a parental attitude involved, then a hug is part of the ritual?

  6. @ Munchkin: ” that would just start to seem pretty stupid very quickly..” I laughed at that.

    It’s funny–the odd things that stand out in OUR minds when, to vanilla people..the spanking ritual itself would seem quite odd. If I don’t like a person enough to even give a quick HUG to..chances are, I probably don’t like him enough to play with him in the first place.

    @MVee.. I think a hug can definitely signify a parental sense of forgiveness and of the spanking having ‘wiped the slate clean’. I also feel that it can be a very sweet and poignant way for the spanked to say ‘thank you’.


    Creepy with strangers. Pretty damn sweet among friends . For me it all kinda goes back to the idea of sincerity.

    Sorry for the blog-hogging, Rad. My pinball machine mind is all out of whack due to excessive spanko activity and lack of sleep.

    I need a HUG!!!!!! 😉

  7. Interesting topic. I go in for a hug after a spanking as a sort of ‘parting’ event. Sort of like, if you leave after having dinner at someone’s house, there might be hugs. I have never really analyzed it. Perhaps because if I didn’t want them touching me in a casually intimate way, then I probably shouldn’t have allowed them to touch me in an, albeit non sexual, but intimate way by allowing them to spank me.

    I guess what I am trying to say is I don’t ever feel like I HAVE to hug someone, it just happens naturally.

    You’ve hugged me after every spanking you’ve given me. You’re not exactly the ‘kiss-on-the-cheek-hug-every-time-you-see-someone’ kind of guy, but it’s always felt like the natural course of action, with you in the past, and with others. Sometimes I have a spanker put their arm around my back or something similar even, and that feels natural too.

    The person you hugged may have still been in a head space where a comforting hug *wasn’t* the natural course of action. Was it role-play? Was it discipline? Depending on the role-play, and if it was discipline, unless it’s an ‘all’s forgiven’ hug, a huge may have seemed ‘out of character’ or something – especially if they’re new and role-play head spaces aren’t easy to slip out of.

  8. sandy richards Says:

    It seems to me that if you know someone well enough for them to drop their pants, go over your knee, and have you swat their bottom, you know them well enough to give them a hug.

    I don’t share any discomfort regarding hugging…I’m a moderately outgoing, demonstrative person. But I respect that we all have different comfort levels, and different needs for personal space.

    I have a theory, which could be total bull, about why the spanking might feel comfortable, but not the hug. During the spanking, especially with someone you don’t know well, there’s a certain amount of role play going on. I don’t necessarily mean “The boss and the Secretary,” but we all play our roles at spanking events – Top, bottom, disciplinarian, naughty girl, etc.

    But the hug is generally the moment that signals that the play or “scene” is over. When playing with someone you don’t know well, the exchange of power (albeit a brief exchange) is over, and you’re back to being near strangers or, at most, acquaintances. So, suddenly you find yourself about to hug someone you barely know, which you wouldn’t typically do in life…particularly if you don’t want people to avoid you when they see you coming.

    Personally, I like the hug…for lots of reasons. It feels good if I’m feeling vulnerable after a spanking. It also, for me, ends the exchange of power and let’s me feel as if I’m parting with the person as “friends.” And I like hugs.

    One exception though. I’m comfortable sharing a hug with someone when greeting, parting, etc. But that doesn’t mean I’m a fan of the overly touchy-feely people in the scene. Like anything…everything in moderation.

    I’m generally fine with it if someone wants to hug me, but I’m not interested in wearing them as a coat.

  9. I see the hug as part closure (because you often part ways after and that signals when it is time to move on), and part “thank you” from the parties involved. Of course we often say thank you but I find the hug kind of takes you back to “normal” in a way. Scene over.

    I’m from a background, and a state, where hugging even on the first meeting (say your sister intro’s you to her good friend) is normal. It is like a handshake to me but better. Less formal. When I met Jon, and noted that his dad and he shook hands instead of hugging, I was like, WTF? I mean, among family you don’t hug? I’d like to think I fostered greater closeness between them by getting them to hug (I forget how). It sort of dispelled the uneasiness you could sense – once you hug, you smile, and all is well. A handshake seems tentative, like you are meeting but offering provisional interaction. I’m not talking business-world hand shaking here – there are times when that gesture is really important. I’m talking among family and friends, casual situations.

    Because the hug appears ubiquitous in the scene, I’d prefer that someone who does not wish one to have their own gesture of closure ready so I don’t start to hug them and embarrass us both. I’m not offering a thought – they can figure it out themselves!

  10. IrishRed Says:

    I grew up in a family similar to yours, Rad. We didn’t hug or kiss or show affection much, and when I first entered the scene I was a little uncomfortable with the hugs, too. But, y’know, I really like them! I don’t look for all the drawn out after-care at the end of a session, but the quick hug is a way of saying “that was fun” or “that was great” and moving back down to earth. Obviously my endings will vary from spanker to spanker, but in general a hug is just fine with me.

  11. thanks so much for blogging about the “HUG” I have always thought this ritual, as it is, is just not appropriate, after i’ve been punished i don’t want to thank the guy, i want to punish him, i want to just leave the area, i want to feel like the little girl who has just been humiliated and hurt. I don’t need a hug, I need revenge I want to stew in my punishment, not thank the punisher. Just seems odd to me. “just saying”

  12. What ever happened to sending ’em to stand in the corner?

  13. radagast Says:

    Corner time is a good way to delay any awkward hugs but is it a panacea?

  14. how about a formal thank you note in the mail, after you come out of the corner and go home? lol

  15. sandy richards Says:

    Lisa, I love that idea! Of course, a handwritten note of thanks is always appropriate. Now…about the appropriate stationery for such a note…hmmmm….

  16. Sandy, You’re wondering about stationary and I’m wondering what kind of wax seal could be used on the envelope…. Hmmmmm.

  17. sandy richards Says:

    Sue, I think this idea has great potential. Would a wax seal be considered “wax play?” 🙂

  18. Sounds like someone needs a hug ;0)

  19. Rad, why don’t you just tell people, you play with them, that you don’t like to hug afterward. It’s nothing personal, but it’s just not your style. It’s not like there’s a rule that you have to hug. Problem solved.

  20. Anyway, I’m a hugger and I like being hugged. There’s a lot of expression in a hug and I can tell a lot how about someone feels from the way they hug. It’s even more communicative than a post-play conversation, sometimes. So, besides just being a nice feeling and nice gesture, it’s a good way to understand how the other person feels resultant to the play experience.

  21. Hugging is a great barometer as to feelings…either pre or post spanking play. If I can’t stand someone..I REALLY do not like to offer even a ‘polite’ hug. I think hugs are best reserved for friends. I have a very real ‘personal space/boundary’ thing….

  22. @Smiling Devil…I had to laugh at your advice to Rad. I can see it now..: ” Okay. We are done here. Now get up off my lap and hit the bricks! ” 🙂

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