A Time For Everything

It’s not that I can’t be “on” all the time, it’s just that there are different kinds of on.

I started to write something completely different today and put it on the backburner because this popped into my head. Even when the relationship between me and another person is within the context of the scene, like a D/s relationship of some kind, there is a time for me to be in the Dom/Top/Daddy mode and a time for me to just be a human being. This should not be an earth shattering revelation to anyone who reads this blog because we’re all well-adjusted folks who understand that the fantasy world we build in and around the scene is not appropriate for every occasion or situation. Sometimes stepping out of the rules and regulations is the best way to handle things like emotions or problems that might arise.

However, it occasionally surprises me when I see people ask questions in forums or message boards about what I consider is a serious real-life issue with their their sub/bottom and yet are hell bent on addressing it within the confines of their scene relationship. There are issue that certainly can be taken care of in the context of the scene or of play but there are others that, I think, go way beyond the scope of things like spanking. More than once I’ve seen what I consider really serious emotional issues get treated as if they are just another part of a scene and yet one more reason to deliver a spanking. It almost seems as if the person who is the Top/Dom is so hell bent on being that person or character that they’re tone deaf to what is really happening with the other person. When I see this, I want to say, “Hey, this person is really hurting. Can you put down the riding crop and just be an empathetic person for a second?”

Like I said, it’s a rarity for me to see this sort of thing so I don’t want to make it seem as if it goes on all the time. But when I do see it, it just gets under my skin and makes me wonder about how attentive this person really is and how tuned in to what’s going on around them.


11 Responses to “A Time For Everything”

  1. It’s definitely a delicate minefield thru which we navigate in this scene at times.

    In the past several weeks, I have wondered like never before if perhaps we aren’t all tempted to look for, or to BE ..each others analysts.

    Maybe some of us DO have degrees in psychology ( not me by a long shot)..but even then, the mixed signals one can get from a person in ‘need’ is perplexing.
    Maybe it is just because..in vanilla life, there are plenty of options for help of which one can avail oneself. When a scene partner does that, but then also comes to YOU, and has put a need for a certain ‘role’ in your hands, you sometimes dont know if they are looking for a hug, a beating , or an additional doctor referral.

    Maybe all three.

    As much as I love me a scene based on realism, I definately am uncomfortable with the idea that spanking can fix whatever ails a person in his/her heart and mind. Might be NICE if it worked that way, but any person with a reasonable amount of intelligence knows it doesn’t.

    It all spirals back again to what you, me, and many other bloggers and non bloggers in the spanking community have surmised…: that a Top isn’t a god or a mind reader or a magical fixer of problems…and, that honest communication should come before ALL else. Conversely, a bottom can’t come to a Top with large problems, thinking that a spanking will wave that magic wand. In my case, I truly only DO want to help, and it is frustrating to not be able to, on a grander scale.

    In my own life lately, I see serious and potentially very problematic circumstances that need to be addressed first in a cohesive practical way..and then, when the storms have subsided a bit, the crop, paddle, or what have you— can once again be picked up, and used for a form of ‘therapy’ that is more enjoyable and “lighthearted”. Spankos and shrinks make strange bedfellows.

  2. I am assuming that what you are saying is that it is of utmost importance to be a caring empathetic friend first….spanking partner second.
    I fully agree. Totally.

  3. radagast Says:

    I am not pointing to anyone specifically although there are some folks out there, especially on Fet, that give the appearance of looking at serious things through a play prism when they should be simply looking at it.

  4. First, Happy Easter!

    To the topic: perhaps, to what are referring, is fundamentally an issue of having weak/rigid boudaries? Common sense dictates that, even for the 24/7 lifestyler, the comfort and shelter of BDSM relationships can’t possibly accomodate EVERY situation or need that arrises in life. It would be silly to think it could, right? Yet, some people seem to grasp for ways to stretch BDSM beyond reasonable limits. Perhaps, this is because such people have difficulty finding a balance between and drawing boundaries between different areas of their life. Hence, they rely on one overarching philosophy to try to cover EVERYTHING in their life: an all-or-nothing strategy. It’s much like someone who is so total absorbed in a particular religion and seeks to answer every issue with a religious prescription, to the point of losing touch with reality. It’s sad to witness, but I think people who do that are really in need of some guidance and don’t know exactly how to handle the myriad of complex issues that life presents.

  5. I don’t like to be too judgmental, but I have never identified with that whole 24/7 scene thing in any way. Even apart from the scene completely , I have different modes for interacting with others and life. Sometimes I’m serious, and I’m even happier when I’m not, etc.

  6. I think if people ask how you would handle an issue they have encountered and then point out all their relationship confines, that they should realize they have the answer in front of them.

    Sometimes people are only looking for someone to disagree with them, so they can point out what they want/need/usually do and why that works and is right. They want a fight. I know this, because it’s one of my character flaws! 😛

  7. radagast Says:

    My wife, Sandy, made a good point about this to me. Her opinion is that some folks use the strict guidelines of a D/s or scene relationship to avoid getting too close to the other person. I suppose worrying and caring about someone on a human level are investments that some people are not willing to make.

  8. ..yet it is an investment worth making..even if ( when?) it can hurt you.

  9. As someone who wanted some degree of DD within a relationship, one of the most difficult things to articulate and to ensure was that the other person and I had similar ideas on that which would be open for DD and things that would not be. I knew going in that there are some life issues that could/would/should not be resolved in that realm. I wanted to be sure that my definition of those items closely matched those of the person I chose to be with. I’ve been lucky, made a good choice, or both.

    It always concerns me when I see people neglecting their health and safety in order to provide reasons for discipline (neglecting to take medications, driving drunk, etc). I don’t get it and won’t go there.

    For me, change comes from within. If discipline can help me get where I want to go, all the better. But in reality, I don’t expect him or his discipline to save me from myself, solve deep rooted emotional problems (not that I’m admitting to having any!), or change me completely. I think it is reasonable to expect to go from A to B, but unreasonable to expect to go from A to Z. I think the bottom that expects their top to facilitate that degree of change is her behavior is unrealistic, and the top who thinks they can effect that degree of change in their partner is equally unrealistic.

  10. @Dawna…that was great to read.
    I got a message today from a new friend who was SO eloquent in her ‘take’ on this. She wrote : ” I get spankings not because I am not intelligent. I get spankings because I AM a very intelligent and capable person who doesn’t always live up to her potential”.

    I’ve never felt that the proper type of DD in a relationship should ever demean or degrade, or make one feel inferior to another. I see it as two people celebrating aspects of each other that they only CAN entrust to another.

  11. (I meant EACH other..not another. ) Sigh. Tired.

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