My Closeup

Although I often try to present topics that I hope are interesting to the readers here, everything that’s written here is pretty much what’s in my head at the moment I’m writing it. No exception here.

Let’s face it, I’m all about me. However, like every single other thing in my life, I do nothing if not overthink on a regular basis. Every notion, every thought has to be worried and worked over to create theories and hypotheses that are then filed away for future worry. My desires and wants are no exception. I am constantly in flux between thinking “I want” and “Should I want”.Ā  Human desire turned into titanic moral struggle and no iceberg on the horizon to save me.

For the past week or so, I’ve been toying with the thought of wanting to pursue performing in spanking videos. I’ve had these thoughts before but they have developed from “it would be fun…” to “I would like to do it”. First of all, I think I’d be good at it. As a frustrated actor who should have pursued it beyond high school, I am lucky enough to be able to do some of it on my job via voiceovers. My ability to role play on-the-fly partly comes from the need to pop into a mode of thinking on a moments notice when I’m reading copy. The main thing is that I think it would be fun to do and I’d be lying if I didn’t say it would be an ego stroke (just being honest).

This is the point where the Worrier voice starts talking in my head. What if doing it intrudes on your vanilla life? I recently took my picture off the front page of this blog because I was afraid that a Google search on a certain topic would lead people here — people who worked in my industry. But although someone might get here by accident during a Web search, I wonder how people could accidentally watch a spanking video. I’m thinking they could not. What if no one wants you? That’s probably the toughest thing to deal with — rejection. What if all the video producers already have everyone they need as male Tops? What if my look isn’t what works for them? Do they want taller or someone who isn’t bald or someone who has more of an leading male look? I’m certainly more Rod Steiger than Marlon Brando. So that would be the hardest thing — to have a thick enough skin and the ability to know when it’s time to give up a dream if it’s not working out. I also wonder how to go about it. Do I email some folks and see if there’s interest? Do I make an audition video myself and send that?

Most of all, the Worrier inside my head questions my motivations. Why do I want to do it? Beyond the things mentioned above, I really don’t have many other motivations. I don’t think I’m going to make money doing it because if there was money to be made, the producers and female actresses would be the ones making it. I’m not so dumb as to not see the reality of that. In the end, it boils down to doing something that I think would be fun and an outlet for a certain part of my creativity. The thing that keeps me at my vanilla job certainly isn’t the pay but the chance to do a job that at times is creative — I don’t think I could work at a place where I was just pushing pencils around or crunching numbers.

Here’s the reason this blog post was good for me: Now I’ve convinced myself to go ahead with it and see if there is a remote possibility of success. Perhaps a fool’s errand but I can at least reach out and see if there’s any interest at all. If not, it will be fodder for a dejected and downbeat blog post at a later date. And those are always fun to read.


37 Responses to “My Closeup”

  1. Hi Rad,

    If you decide to go for it, what you need to do is go onto the pages of the individual video companies and find what they say about casting. If they don’t say anything, shoot them an email. An audition video will usually not be necessary, but they’ll probably as to see your picture at some stage.

    I have to warn you that conditions for male actors in the spanking industry are not great, to the point that some producers will ask you to pay for the honour of appearing in their films. Fair warning!

  2. You are too TOO funny. I will no doubt add to this more later ( yes, I will..and you can’t stop me!) but, I have to go to work after writing all frickin morning on MY blog today ( and arent you relieved?) in which YOU and Sandy get big shout, PLEASE read the goddamned thing, Mr “selfish” šŸ™‚ ) :_) :_)

    I personally feel you would be great in videos, as you have the voice, tone, “look” and skill. Being verbally creative is HIGHLY important. The idea of attractiveness is subjective, you are definitely appealing as a stern daddy or boss type. You have a very real “presence” of authority. Trust me.

    Rejection is always tough. I MIGHT be approached soon for video work, but I have more than my fair share of concerns, as well. I have been told I have a stern , maternal “thing” but..I just hear that as ” fat and dumpy”. Ah yes..the voices of the best friends living in our heads!

    I laughed when you said it is highly unlikely that anyone is gonna be watching a spanking video by ‘mistake’! What I worry about, vis-a-vis anonymity and b/c I have kids, and would never want them to find out. Spanking vids as blackmail, and all that. Keep the faith. It might be a whole new fun and creatively fulfilling p/t career for you! I’m FIRST in line to buy one, too!!! šŸ™‚

  3. Hi Rad,

    I say go for it. It sounds like having come this far in your thinking, there’ll always be the possibility of that little ‘what if?’ voice nagging in your head forever more. After assessing all the possible risks to your vanilla life of course. It depends on what you really have to lose? Someone once said it’s the things we didn’t do that we regret in twenty years time not so much the things we did. If you do cross that Rubicon you may as well swim it with gusto and I really hope you get to do scenes and are matched with partners that lean towards your natural style. Realistic hard discipline with believable dialogue gets my subscription first and foremost.

    Love the Rod Steiger comparison. How about a updated remake of ‘In the Heat of the Night ‘ with yourself in the lead opposite a young haughty white female detective to add a twist to the original?

  4. radagast Says:

    Adele: Thanks for the advice and the warning. I have heard that it is difficult for men to break into video work of this nature but if I don’t try, I won’t know for sure.

    Lisa: Good luck on your video work if it does happen. I will go read the god damned thing as soon as I am able.

    Frank: Sidney Poitier is Armenian?

  5. Thank you for reading my god damned blog, Rad..and for blessing it with your snark. šŸ™‚

  6. “What if doing it intrudes on your vanilla life?” There’s an incredibly good chance that your performance would be discovered and shown to your employers. By making a video, you’d cross a line, and whether you want to believe it or not, and whether it’s technically true or not, you become a ‘porn star’ And companies concerned about their image don’t knowingly employ ‘porn stars’ (There are dozens of Abby Winters girls who have discovered that their performances weren’t limited to the number of viewers that they had been told to expect. And see the end of the movie “The Notorious Bettie Page” where Bettie could never get another job.)

    The money’s not that great, and in a way you end up working for nothing because for every 1 person who does pay, there are 20 who steal the movie via bittorrent.

    My advice is to ‘keep your day job’ in these times, and find some other way to get whatever you visualize receiving from acting.

  7. radagast Says:

    MVee: You make some valid points that are food for thought. I shall ponder your words.

    Some thoughtful remarks and advice in all the comments above. I honestly still feel like I’m going back and forth in my own mind about all of this. Like Adele and others have told me through the years, there probably just isn’t a call for males in spanking videos — at least ones that aren’t hand picked or approached by the producer of the film. However, there’s no real harm in papering my trash bin with rejection emails so what the hell. I’ll send out inquiries and see if I get any replies.

  8. Triple D and me Says:

    Rad, you would be great in videos, we would certainly purchase any you were in. Good luck in your quest. Joe and loretta

  9. ditto what Joe & Loretta said. I would buy your videos in a heart-beat…and not wait for a buy-one-get-one-free sale! (full price, Rad – that’s really saying a lot from me…)

  10. Not me. I’d expect a hefty discount. šŸ˜‰

  11. And are you kiss- ups gonna watch MY videos? ( sniff) Wait..Tops don’t sniffle! Ohh..I am SO confused..!

  12. radagast Says:

    Lisa, stop your whining. If it’s a F/F video, you’ll have most of the male spanking population watching (in ten minute increments). So make it at least a 30 minute jobber — guys need to get at least three satisfying sessions to make it worth the money.

  13. I’ve never thought of you as the video type before, probably because you’ve never put it out there, but now that you have I think you’d be awesome. Go for it!

  14. Three?? God….
    Yes, I would only do f/f…..
    and a free box of kleenex with each purchase! :-O

    and Hey! can’t tell a Topette to stop whining! I’m gonna stomp off and go POUT somewhere now! Hmmph!

  15. ‘Sidney Poitier is Armenian?’

    Maybe not but the Police Chief Gillespie character could be! Just think of the uniform šŸ™‚

    Best of luck with the inquiries. F

  16. Is Lisa’s blog public? If so, what’s the link?

  17. Oh no….

  18. Well, I think Rad would be great. WE are going to start with our own movie.

  19. radagast Says:

    Once I figure out how to edit video, I’m all set.

  20. MVee – you don’t get a cut once the video is made anyway, so it doesn’t matter.

    Companies pay by the day or video. One flat fee. You don’t get checks in the mail after that unless you’re an affiliate and advertise like everyone else.

    Rad – I think you could do it and we’ve talked a lot about this. Someday I hope to star side by side you in a video šŸ™‚

  21. WHO are you?

  22. radagast Says:

    Marie: Fixed your name on that comment.

  23. Oh for heaven’s sake – ALL of us who love you and your blog would buy your video (and yes, Lisa – the hefty discount would be a huge come on!).

    If it’s your dream, go for it!!!!!

  24. radagast Says:

    Susan: Heaven’s got very little to do with anything I do.

  25. Didn’t know you could do that…but I can so it makes sense (I mean, on my blog). I logged out of that account (which I created to get the FPI key for plugins) so we’ll see if it works.

  26. The first question to ask yourself is, “Do I plan on running for political office one day?” Because if you do, your opponents WILL find the video.

    Back in 1986, after appearing in a Nu-West video, I knew I’d never be Senator Elka.

  27. (and yet more giggle-inducing snark)

    I want to see the day Rad and Tony are running mates. Or no..wait….opposing viewpoints in a political debate!

    hee hee..”Senator Elka”….

  28. If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve.

  29. That’s the spirit!

  30. I only argue with Rad about music, and then I fight dirty.

    If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the headphones.

  31. I think this is great, Rad. And I think it’s likely you’ll find willing production companies. Dudes who want to spank chicks of film might be a dime a dozen, but really good tops are not. We’ve never played together (yet! let’s fix that maybe) but from all I’ve read on here and heard from other people and the little I saw that weekend in NYC, you seem to have what it takes and more.

    Deciding to make videos was one of those slow-burn ideas for me, but when I reached the decision it all happened very fast. Best of everything to you.

    (I want to see the Rad & Sandy show!)

  32. Sandy, OMG. There is gonna be NO living with that man, now! šŸ˜‰

  33. radagast Says:

    Lisa: What are you talking about? There’s no living with me now. The woman is a saint.

    caroline: I’m learning to simply say thanks.

  34. Cool that YOU admitted it..before St Sandy did!
    It goes without saying that I agree with Caroline.

  35. Remember: the internet never forgets. I think it’s better to err on the side of caution in matters like these. That’s my cents.

  36. @Caroline – he is an awesome top – I shake in my shoes everytime I see him. Fix it – you won’t be sorry.

  37. big mean scary daddy Rad all right! šŸ™‚

    He comes by it honestly.

    But Caroline, really…he is safe and careful and really good at reading his spankees…. I am quite discrimating ( to a fault) so take it from me! šŸ˜‰

    Rad..look at us micromanaging your next round of play!! LOL

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