Just To Be Nice

I enjoy playing — a lot. I enjoy playing with lots of different people — a lot. I enjoy playing with people I’ve only recently met — OK, you get the picture. However, I don’t need to play if someone’s heart isn’t really in it.

I’m not talking about the legendary practice that’s only spoken of in whispered tones: The pity spanking. That’s a whole other subject that I’ll offer up to the female bloggers out there as a topic — they can talk about it better than I can. What I’m talking about is a person who is among a group of people who probably doesn’t really want to play with you (or at all) but does just to be friendly. Honestly, those kind of experiences make me utterly uncomfortable and I’m often looking for a way out before it happens.

It has nothing to do with attraction and everything to do with headspace. I’ll say it again, I play a lot. I probably get more play at any given event than I plan on having. This is not a boast, it is a fact. So I really don’t need or want to play with people who really would not desire to play with me if not for some friendly group peer pressure. I like my experiences to be balanced in a way that lets me know that the person I’m playing with also wants to play with me and vice versa. It’s only fair to them that I have my heart in it rather than just go through the motions because I don’t feel comfortable.

Being comfortable when playing is important to me which means knowing ahead of time that there is some possibility that my play style meshes with another persons. Sometimes that’s hard to figure out before you play, especially with someone you’ve just met, but people can get an inkling with a little bit of conversation. That’s the comfort level I’m talking about, knowing that I’m playing with someone who might enjoy what it is I’m doing with them and my knowing that they are playing with someone they want to play with.

Is it the end of the world if that uncomfortable thing happens? Of course not. It’s not earth shattering nor something that feels me with a great deal of angst — it’s just the nagging thing notion that this person would rather not be doing what they are doing and the feeling that I’m somehow imposing upon them. Yet one more thing for me to think to death.

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10 Responses to “Just To Be Nice”

  1. I will indeed blog about “pity spankings”. Thanks, Rad!

    As for this strange in-betweener kind of spanking, I think I know what you mean, but I am not quite sure. I know I’ve played with people out of “you seem like a nice guy, what-the-hell” sort of feeling, without any real burning desire to play with him, and sometimes it’s turned out “cool”, sometimes “meh.” Is that what you mean?

    Seeing your fan club, it’s hard for me to imagine how someone who’s heart wasn’t really in it would even manage to play with you! 😉

  2. It reminds me of an experience I had in 1975, when the woman I had taken out said to me at the end of the night – “This was a very nice time – I feel that I owe you.” Due to some sexual code of the 60’s and 70’s it was if she almost felt obligated to let me stay the night. I imagined a devil on one shoulder finding an argument to overpower the angel on the other.

    Doing it “just to be friendly” seems to me to be the analog of going home with the last man standing at a party or bar*. The woman doesn’t know when opportunity will present itself again, so she might as well grab what she can now even if conditions don’t meet 100% of her preferences. And modern women act on their impulses.

    Since there’s casual sex, random hookups, or whatever the phrase is today, I am not surprised to find that there would be casual spanking.

    *I want to make perfectly clear that I am not referring to our blog host’s experiences described above.

  3. I stopped engaging in pity spankings a long time ago. I felt bad after they happened. To me, life is too short to engage in that sort of play when you could be getting your bottom warmed by a partner with whom you “click”.

    Oops..you told us gals to blog on our own about it. Sorry.

    I am finding myself –that it is incredibly easy to “overthink” in this scene. We all seem to want things to go swimmingly at all times. . I guess that is human nature. But, just as in ANY relationship, or even social gathering..there are always the awkward moments. ( I love how my daughter shortens that word. When something weird happenes, she will just take a long pause and utter: “AWK.”)

    I am sorry if you had a recent AWK moment. Glad you take it in stride….
    spanking play is SO awesome when there is that ” click” that it sensitizes us all the more when perhaps it isn’t present.

  4. sandy richards Says:

    Rad, what you described seems to me to be the equivalent of “polite conversation.” Have you ever seen someone in public that you know well, and you stop to chat.?They introduce you to the person they are with. If the person you both know then excuses themselves to take a call or such…you are left with this stranger to make polite conversation. It certainly doesn’t hurt anyone, but it’s not necessarily comfortable either.

  5. sandy richards Says:

    MVee equating casual spanking with casual sex is something I’ve been giving a lot of thought to lately. My own upbringing and beliefs never allowed for casual sex. I’m not saying that’s right, and other choices are wrong. Just that not engaging in casual sex has been right for me.

    Then, about five years ago – after a lifetime of fantasizing about spanking – I began to experience it. I came into a public play scene in which casual spanking seems typical, pretty much expected. And I was so wrapped up in newbie frenzy that I didn’t really question it.

    Frankly, I couldn’t get enough spanking. And I’m glad that I’ve been spanked by many different people. It certainly helped me to sort out all the different styles, and where I fit. I’m still sorting that out, but experience has helped that process.

    But I’m not in newbie frenzy anymore and now I’m questioning everything. I probably should start my own blog and not (briefly) hijack Rad’s blog. Sorry.

    In the vanilla world, I would spend time getting to know someone before engaging in sex. And, yet, we in this scene strip to our skivvies without even knowing someone’s last name, or real name. And even if you choose to not do that, you generally only hold off until you’ve had time to talk with someone more at parties before you play.

    Why don’t vanilla rules apply. Why isn’t a first spanking preceded by a honeymoon period of drinks, dinner, movies and great conversation? It seems like the main event comes too soon. Is that why it sometimes leaves me feeling unfulfilled?

    Well, I won’t pursue this, because it’s Rad’s blog, and because I don’t really know the answers to this so I’ll just go in circles. I know that being spanked is a strong need for me, and that when the chemistry is there, it’s powerful and magical. But when it’s not, it can leave me feeling empty…or worse.

    At the moment, I’ve decided to go with “less is more” until I figure all this out.

    Rad, thanks for writing such a thought-provoking blog. I hope my reply isn’t inappropriately involved. But I think it speaks well of your blog that both your comments and those your your readers prompt such soul-searching.

  6. sandy richards Says:

    Oops. Just to clarify. About five years ago, I began to experience spanking, not casual sex. lol. I still don’t engage in casual sex. Again, not that I’m judging anyone who is fine with casual sex; it just doesn’t work for me.

    I just needed to clarify – in case Sister Rose or Mother Mary of the Cross might be reading this blog.

  7. radagast Says:

    Once again I am gratified that the comments that are often made on this blog are so well thought out and do nothing but add to the discussion. Unless it’s my wife or I doing the commenting — then it’s just snarkiness.

  8. Sandy –

    Your experiences are part of the mature phase of the sexual revolution.

    There’s a very strong desire, a safe place to meet others sharing that desire, and an acceptable way of having a no-strings encounter that can be controlled. Another part of the revolution is this blog space we’re in right now, where people can openly discuss feelings with a sort-of anonymity, and work towards improving the ‘rules of engagement’

  9. There are some people who are SOOOO nice whom other people don’t recognize as being above said nice and won’t play with above said nice people…that bothers me. So, if I’m asked by a nice person, I don’t have a problem playing with them – and I don’t consider it a “pity-play”…I consider it as just a nice and right thing to do.

  10. “Headspace” is a good word, and it seems like a useful tool for explaining, in a gentle way, why one isn’t in the right mood to play at a particular moment. I am going to tuck that away for future referrence.

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