“The Happy Recap”

As the great Bob Murphy would say whenever the Mets won a game. We gave the talk and I think it went well.

Sandy briefly mentioned it here but I wanted to expand a little on how it went and what we spoke about.

I was afraid that people would not show up considering the fact that there was a spanking party going on elsewhere in the city. However, enough folks came that seemed somewhat interested in what we had to say to make speaking to an empty room unnecessary. Sandy touched upon two topics that seemed to stand out with the audience, namely, jealousy and communication. These two topics seemed intertwined which made one lead into the other and vice versa so much of out talk was spent discussing and answering questions about this.

As I’ve said before here, jealousy is a very normal human emotion but one that I’m not happy about especially when I experience it. I don’t like feeling jealousy for one very important reason, I don’t desire to make another person, especially my wife, feel like they are a possession nor do I want to have those feelings about anyone else. Jealousy is a dehumanizing emotion and I spoke about the struggle within myself to push those feelings aside as “useless” to me and inevitably destructive to any relationship.

Sandy mentions our “Don’t ask-don’t tell” policy but I want to put a fine point on that. It doesn’t mean that what I don’t know won’t hurt me, just that I don’t need to know every detail of every scene she has with someone else. I know what’s going on but may want to take a little time before I know what went on (if ever). I trust her not to hurt me and that’s good enough for me.

This is what led to the section of our talk regarding communication. Sandy and I talk about a lot and neither of us think of any topic as “off the table” (other than the stuff about details of play). When it comes to how we feel and what we’re going through, we both have a trust of the other person that they will understand and empathize what one of us is going through. The fact is that the main thing that makes our scene relationship work is that we each have a person that wants to listen and to help if they can. This is something I did not have in my last vanilla relationship. As I was feeling more and more frustrated, I had no one I could talk to who would understand why I felt this way. Eventually it destroyed the relationship.

It’s easy to say hear the term “communication” as a cliché but the truth is that feeling comfortable enough with a partner or friend to talk about anything is what makes a relationship work. That was the final and key point of our talk.


7 Responses to ““The Happy Recap””

  1. Rad ( and Sandy) :
    yes.. the concept of “communication” is overused.. yet… way too often overlooked. Goes back to your mind reading blog recently. If you cant talk to your partner.. when living in an alternative lifestyle replete with spanking “swingers”….then, what do you have?

    MY last marriage was a scene based one. But.. he didnt play with others…because to him it was automatic sexual foreplay.. and I WANTED to play with others, but he could never see that I didnt see it as foreplay. The spanking for me was a means to an end. .

    There was only one time.. very early on, when we had a third female player.. and , he came on to her. Right in front of me. Luckily, my friendship with her remained.. but he really damaged my trust. Its remarkable that I can look at a couple like you two.. and see that its possible to gently step around landmines.

  2. otk_spanko Says:

    Rad (and Sandy): glad to hear that your presentation and demonstraton was well-attended, and that it went well.

    It seems to me that you two have a very healthy relationship, in general and as it relates to incorporating kink into your lives.

    Open and honest communication and mutual respect are key to any healthy love relationship, and the arrangement that you describe, with no topics being off-limits, but with a conscious decision not to discuss the details of play with others (lest these details result in one or the other feeling jealousy) sounds quite healthy, and itclearly works well for you both.

  3. I’m glad the talk went well. I wish I could have been there. I have issues with jealousy, and while I like the “don’t ask – don’t tell” philosophy, it leaves too much to my imagination.

    Next year, I’m definitely going to hear you two!

  4. Thank you all for your comments and additions. Communication is something I talk about a lot because of its importance in relationships of all kinds. Whether it’s a married couple or people who have just met to play, being able to connect in an honest and adult way are monumentally preferable to keeping things bottled up where they can ferment with sometimes unhealthy results.

    As for jealousy: I can’t put it plainer than to say it sucks — one of the worst emotions ever. Very destructive all the way around.

  5. Jealousy is an evil mind-worm. I really liked your point that communication and “don’t ask don’t tell” are not mutually exclusive concepts. It’s a fine line.

  6. jealousy holds hands very tightly with insecurity..and it does really eat away at ones core. I know each of these toxic emotions intimately.and you are right Rad, it TRULY sucks.

  7. You know, Lisa, I think that’s what upsets me most when I find myself being jealous. The actual emotion of jealousy is miserable enough, but then I have to add onto that the self-loathing for being so insecure, which of course increases the insecurity. Ack! I’ve had to work about “not freaking out about freaking out.” It’s kind of a zen-hippie thing but I was once taught to “observe my emotions” when they were overwhelming. I just say to myself “I am feeling X(jealous/angry/hurt). I am not a bad person for feeling X. Feelings have no moral implications. I am allowed to feel X. It will pass.”

    Easier said than done, but it does help.

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