Insert Obligatory Valentine’s Post Here

On this day that some like and others feel tortured by (or openly hate), allow me to entertain you with my strange mixture of romanticism, cynicism and several undiagnosed mental disorders.

I can’t say that finding “true love” in the spanking community is not possible but like the rest of the world, it ain’t easy. However, I do think that sharing the intimacy of our kink does make for a connection right off the bat — whether people get along after that initial intro is up to them. That early spark of excitement between two people who realize they have the same desires is soon tempered by the fact that most people come with the baggage known as a “real life”. Whether it’s funny personality quirks or more serious things, the reality is that the whirlwind of fun that people think they will be having is going to be balanced by the every day things that people have to do and deal with. Any successful relationship has to have two (or more in some cases) people participating that are ready to deal with the dull chores as well as the thrills.

I think it’s important for people to know what they want both in the scene and in a partner. That’s where the honesty I mentioned a few days ago comes in handy. It’s not just being honest to someone else but to yourself. Know what it is you want and determine whether it is a reasonable desire — something that is possible. If you want someone that looks like Betty Page, you’re probably going to pass up a lot of women that would be good for you just because they don’t fit a narrow criteria. Yes, looks are important but like most things in life, moderation is a good thing.

One thing that people should consider in a potential partner is whether that person is willing to deal with your scene preferences. For example, if I want someone to be exclusive with me, I better be damned sure that’s what they want as well. Sure, they could just go along with it to please you. However, I would expect that in a case like that, there would be frustration and resentment on the part of the person that maybe agreed to sacrifice something that on further thought they would not have. Sandy and I play with others because we like it but since she had been in the scene far longer than I had, it was mostly a matter of acceptance on my part that she would continue doing what she enjoyed and that it was her choice. I grew comfortable with playing with others over time but now would not have it any other way.

Scene people get together all the time with varying degrees of success but they do get together. As long as a person goes into it with some idea of what they want but continues to have an open mind, the chances of finding someone will be better.

Happy Valentine’s Day to those that celebrate it. Fuck Valentine’s Day to those that wish all lovers would go to hell.


20 Responses to “Insert Obligatory Valentine’s Post Here”

  1. All I can say about this day..with a certain sense of restrained sadness… is that I hope everyone who DOES “have someone” realizes they are lucky.

    Sucks to be alone. And this day just throws it in one’s face.
    I’m not gonna say fuck valentine’s day ( oopsie…) but I will say that stupid rhymes very nicely with cupid.

    Bring on Feb 15th…..

  2. Rad, I love your line, “Yes, looks are important but like most things in life, moderation is a good thing.” That is said so well! I often remember how people always say this is what I like in my partner when it comes to looks but then interestingly enough when something finally “clicks” with someone the person doesn’t often look like their “recipe” of the perfect person.

    I think you are right it is better to know what you want…and more importantly know yourself well enough to enter into a relationship.

    Happy Valentines Day everyone!

  3. “looks” dont count for shit if you go to bed alone, and wake up alone every day.

  4. I can’t say a word – I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t.

  5. Lisa: A person might not want to compromise when it comes to their notion of ideal looks but such absolutism can leave those people quite alone.

    Susan: ???

  6. Rad..there IS no such thing as ideal looks……no way. Thank GAWD such a concept is so SO subjective…..with the way I feel lately……..

  7. I am darned lucky to have D. His scene interests are just spanking–mine are all over the map. I will run into members of the strong M/s crowd who will give me funny looks when I dig in my heels and defend his right to be interested in what he is interested in and no more. He in turn allows me to go out and play. For me at least flexibility definitely rules in the love department.

  8. …smarts, energy, charisma, kindness, sense of humor. If a man has these attributes, , he could have three noses and webbed feet, and I wouldnt care. I mean it. My second husband looks like Brando in Streetcar…seriously, and he treated me like something stuck to his shoe. Gets old REAL fast .

    Incidentally, Rad, you HAVE mental disorders we all don’t know about yet? Hmmmm…..;-)

  9. paddlegirl Says:

    I’m lucky, I found my valentine in the spanko world. I consider myself so fortunate to have him in my life. We are open and honest and have never had any issue with our desire to play with others in the scene. In fact, we love it! That being said, I would find it difficult to watch him develop a strong emotional connection to another in the scene. I would love to know how others deal with this. It isn’t an issue with us at present but I find the query and interesting one. I’m not sure I could withstand it. Anyone have experience with this sort of thing? Thanks and Happy Valentine’s Day!

  10. paddlegirl: I think people do develop emotional connections with people they play with, the strength of which are dependent upon circumstance. Sandy and I had this discussion just the other day about the strength of emotion that can develop when one person is submitting to another. We both agreed that just because a person feels strongly that doesn’t mean they are willing or desire to replace the person that is most important in their lives.

    Emotions happen and we just have to deal with them when they do.

  11. paddlegirl Says:

    Thank you rad. We are emotional people. I play my cards very close to my vest so it is difficult for me to emotionally involve too much in a play relationship. I would feel it was a betrayal to the one I’m with. I’m still navigating these waters and haven’t quite wrapped my mind around it.

  12. paddlegirl: I always say that there’s a right way, a wrong way and YOUR way. Just find out what your way is and it will all work out.

  13. Emotions. In this scene? Yeah… Wow.
    Strong, compelling and neither good nor bad..Definitely impossible to ignore. Feeling things and acting on them are two different things entirely though.

  14. I do understand that there are emotions in the scene and I suppose I govern mine to be appropriate to the situation. I try to be authentic but perhaps my feelings are simply that…mine. I’m a private person and cannot imagine ever imposing them on a group of people at party or club. I think perhaps that’s my hard limit. Maybe that is why I am having an issue with wrapping my head around intense connections being made in the public forum. Thanks Rad for this topic…it has given me much to ponder.

  15. Open sharing of the common spanking-style of sexuality definitely creates an instant connection between potential romantic partners. I think of that of that connection as more of a relief than a spark. For me, I would describe the feeling of that connection as “whew, I am glad that is out of the way. Now let’s see if this person is otherwise interesting!” Maybe, it has just gotten to the point where I take it for granted that unless a potential partner accepts me unconditionally on my sexual terms, and what’s more, gets off on it, then there’s no point in proceding further with the relationship.

    Happy belated Valentine’s Day!

  16. SD: A very honest understanding of your own needs, wants and emotions. I don’t know if things ever have “gotten to a point”, just that you are aware of what it is you’re looking for.

  17. Good comments! This isn’t talked about enough, in my book.

    Wanted to say to Paddlegirl — for me, intense connections rarely happen “publicly.” By that I mean, yes, I may meet someone at a party or at a club who is dominant in the way that appeals to me. But if we connect, it is happening in a quiet corner away from crowds. Even if someone were watching our scene, he or she wouldn’t know what was happening between the top and the bottom. Those who are looking for partners, if they meet them at a public venue, are eventually going to play privately.

  18. Rad:

    you said: “Sandy and I had this discussion just the other day about the strength of emotion that can develop when one person is submitting to another. We both agreed that just because a person feels strongly that doesn’t mean they are willing or desire to replace the person that is most important in their lives.”

    That’s a really really well articulated thought, and it goes right to my heart. Thank you for that.

    I’ve never been a huge fan of Valentine’s day, whether I was partnered or unpartnered. I dislike the creepy romantic stereotypes that pop up in ads and I dislike the cultural suppositions that fuel the whole thing. On the other had, I am always happy for an extra excuse to give or get sappy cards. And I’m a florist, so Valentine’s day pays my bills. (I always feel kind of guilty, though: guys, seriously, you are paying twice the money for week-old roses. Get out of that one, if you can!)

  19. caroline: I think that roses are overdone and rather bland. I think there are much nicer flowers than plain old roses.

  20. Thank you Sandy for your comment. I agree with you. If the initial spark is there from the first meeting publicly, private play will eventually follow. I made the connection with my current partner at a club/party and yes it did proceed to private play. But what about those that can only play in the public forum and are otherwise engaged? What happens when the sparks start flying at the club/party and the next step just isn’t possible? Talk about emotions in the scene! lol.

    I agree, this topic isn’t discussed often enough and I really value all of your thoughts and comments. Thanks you so much!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: