The Unspoken

We are pretty honest for the most part.

Admitting my kink to myself and then “coming out” to other people in the scene was a big step for me. It required me to be honest on so many levels but especially with myself. I think that level of honesty and self-awareness has been nothing but beneficial in my life because it makes it less likely that I’ll bottle things up inside me.

All across the human experience and different cultures, sexuality is often that thing that people find the most difficult to talk about. Their upbringing and the kind of family dynamic they had, especially with parents, has so much to do with what we as people consider embarrassing or just something that is not to be spoken of. That’s the way it was in my family. My parents considered sexuality a “dirty” subject — something you kept to yourself or preferrably did not even think of yourself. The thing is that like many things people are denied by a society, the denial makes the thought more intense. My parents thinking of sex as dirty did not make me think about it less but more. I would imagine that my fetishes, no matter what they are, came to the forefront of my mind as turn ons because my parents had made all thoughts of such things “forbidden”. I think it’s true of most people that those things we are told we cannot have are more exciting to us — the denial ends up giving it a value that it otherwise would not have.

The emotions that people feel in the scene, whether positive or negative, are often the forbidden fruit of interaction. I’ve heard from more than one person over the years that not only is expressing these emotions considered something that “isn’t done” but also something that a person wishes they did not feel in the first place. I don’t understand how one can divorce themselves from the very thing that makes them human but there is a certain “robotic” nature to the way some people pursue their kink that it makes me wonder how healthy it is. It’s as if we are practicing a kind of Victorian morality and putting up artificial public faces just to avoid some perceived embarrassment.

When I first started dating my wife, I suffered more than a few pangs of jealousy. If I had denied them or been so ashamed of them that I simply tried to force them down, I would have only made them worse by allowing them to germinate inside my brain. Instead, I was pretty honest about the way I felt and told Sandy about these emotions. Rather than recoiling in horror, she understood. We created a level of trust and communication that made it possible to discuss this one thing and many other things. The shedding of light on these thoughts allowed both of us to come to terms with them and actually diminish their importance. I just don’t feel the jealousy I felt back then because I was able to confront it like an adult.

I’m a firm believer in talking about things, even difficult emotions, as a way to get beyond them. Nothing embarrasses me — I have no need to snicker like an immature child when I hear about things. Being open to discussion, no matter the topic, gives me the path to not allowing it to just sit in my head and become bigger than it really is.

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13 Responses to “The Unspoken”

  1. Extremely good points, Rad. When you voice things…express them, they lose the ‘power’ that comes from them getting too “big” in ones mind. I agree with that. Hence, the popularity of therapy. However, I am still not comfortable talking about kinks and fetishes with ‘vanilla’ therapists.

    I WAS walking around a supermarket yesterday ..thinking about sex, of all things. ( go figure. HA) I was once again pondering why such a beautiful and natural thing..such a celebtration of LIFE.. is still thought of as dirty, shameful, and unmentionable. I was thinking about the guilt I still feel about being a ” sexual being” when really, we ALL are. In this scene, we just talk about it more. None of us would be here were it not for sex.

  2. Extremely well put, Lisa and Rad. Love the idea of Lisa walking around a supermarket thinking about sex. Must get in the way of selecting the right melon…or garlic clove…or zucchini. I find both vegetable selection and sex to be completely absorbing.

  3. The other side of jealousy is guilt — wondering if you’re doing the right thing when you have a partner yet still feel the urge to play with others, that variety, or seeking something from another play partner that your significant other is not interested in.

    I think we have done a pretty good job staying open about it. But it’s always hard because I don’t want to be the cause of trouble or hurt feelings.

  4. The human need for sex causes an urge that is like a beachball floating on the water. You can submerge it, but it takes a lot of effort, and then it pops right back up again anyway. That’s why it doesn’t surprise me that there are so many paedophile priests, as they take vows of chastity, and deny themselves the most natural of human needs.

  5. SD: My only critique of your post is that I think you probably meant “gay” priests. The only natural human need that the group you mention has is to commit crimes.

  6. Rad, still lovin’ the snark factor here. and, I can appreciate the feelings and honesty behind your blog today. I too have very mixed and confusing feelings about the whole sex/play/partners/jealousy ” thing”.

    Jasmine: Grocery stores: it ain’t just about coupon clipping anymore….;-)

  7. Hello Rad,

    I beg to differ about the “gay” comment. There have been many a priest that have broken their vows…gay or not. I had a very dear friend of mine who was molested by a priest and she has yet to truly get over it. I must admit I cringe at the mention of gay and pedophile in the same sentence. They are not one and the same at all. I understand that you don’t believe they are but felt the need to clarify the point.

  8. What I meant was that being “gay” is an expression of a person’s sexuality but that pedophilia is a mental disorder and a crime. They are not in the same universe.

  9. paddlegirl Says:

    I re-read the responses and perhaps I’m just having a day but I still don’t get your point. Are you saying straight priests don’t have affairs …just the gay ones? I don’t see how inserting “gay” into SD post makes sense. I don’t know. It’s been a long week…forgive my bleary eyes. At any rate, I know you don’t equate gay with being a pedophile.

    Enjoy your weekend

    Paddlegirl

  10. paddlegirl: I was merely answering Smiling Devils comment that I thought suggested that pedophile priests were created by the very fact that they were being denied a natural urge. I was saying that pedophiles are a bad example because they are not expressing themselves sexually in a healthy manner.

  11. Rad: Huh? I don’t what being gay, or not being gay, has to do with what I wrote. You must be tired, handsome man. 😉

  12. Allow me to clarify my original comment. I don’t think that paedophile priests are necessarily created by repressive sexual practice, rather, I think that denying the sexual urge is a strong component of a more complex range of causes. The basic premise is that if the sexual urge is attempted to be denied, it will spring back with more force than if it is expressed naturally. If it is treated as a sin, then it iw more likely to manifest itself in an unhealthy way, molestation being one such possibile way. This is not correlated to homosexuality or heterosxuality in any way that I amaware of.

    whew . . .got that?

  13. Sandy and Rad: I think that you are both brave and much in love to forge a way that works for you. Thanks for sharing your ups and downs…mostly “ups” I think.

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