This Past Weekend (Turning It Down A Notch)

SSNY party on Friday night and OTK Night last night. An attempt to not let myself get crazy.

A weird vibe in me these last couple of day. I usually love to play with a bunch of people that I consider friends but the headspace was not all there for me to have fun of the “wild abandon” variety. It wasn’t a case of feeling boxed in although on Friday night there was a moment when too many people were asking me something all at the same time. For me, it has a lot to do with where my brain is tuned on a particular day especially when I’m going to be playing.

I did a couple of serious (and I mean serious) discipline sessions over the weekend. Doing something like that takes some mental preparation for me because I need to be in the right mode. It’s akin to method acting except without the acting. The method part is getting my brain to the proper level of anger so that I can punish someone for something that has happened perhaps weeks before. Sure, if someone has done something right then and there it’s easy to get into “Angry Daddy” space — when it’s happened a while back, the proper headspace needs to be built up. Because of this need to bring a certain emotion up inside me, I tend to not be in a “fun” place even though I’m at a party.

It’s also a minor goal to not put so much pressure on myself to play even though I enjoy it. Making things too hectic for myself by having to clock-watch is not conducive to having a good time. Somewhere in all of this is a healthy medium that I’ll find eventually.


14 Responses to “This Past Weekend (Turning It Down A Notch)”

  1. Emma Jane Says:

    I find discipline play very intense and I need a lot of head space preparation. Tomorrow I’m meeting a new friend for a one to one discipline session. To preapre both of us for it I have had to keep a record of my transgressions over the past weeks and we have discussed the punishment I will receive. It wouldn’t work for me as ‘discipline’ without this build up.

    I couldn’t imagine doing more than one of these types of play in any given night. When I play at Ninmhneach (monthly club in Dublin) it tends to be more casual and not as head space intense. I imagine it’s quite difficult for Tops who want to deliver the perfect ‘discipline spanking’ every time; the mental preparation must be exhausting at times!

  2. I’m staying away from parties for a while. and definitely the Club. Too many people saw my insides on the floor.

    What a mess.

    Perhaps I do confuse want and need. Perhaps I am too stubborn, defensive, what have you. No one owes me a “good time”…but, I still call my drive in this scene a need..not a want. I need it to be meaningful, and special. This is why I kind of even avoid the word “play”.

    Sorry to seem ‘gloomy’ or whatever, or blog-jack. I’m agreeing with Rad
    ‘s take on ‘stress’ in the scene. Overkill. Trying too hard. It takes a toll.

    Play….:. I mean sure, its a concensual interacting of a personal level. But.. it’s also Its tapping in to an incredibly deep and intimate part of me. Something tells me I will never get this addressed at a party. Prob the best part of MY night was my imposed ” quiet time”. It wasn’t quiet ENOUGH.

    I’m not knocking clubs or parties. The people who run them are gracious and wonderful, generous people.I mean that. I can’t even imagine the focus and organization it must take to run a club..or organize a social event.

    I’m just utterly burned out right now. I lose out when I treat it too casually. Fun is good. Stress is stress. I think I take it all to heart too much.

  3. Wow, it seems everyone has been having these issues. I wasn’t in the best head space last night, either.

  4. Emma: I agree with you about what is possible to do within a certain amount of time. I find that when I get into the kind of headspace required to give hard punishments/discipline, it takes a certain amount of winding down to get me back to my fun and silly regular personality.

    Lisa: I totally understand where you’re coming from. The club or a party is a tough place to allow yourself to completely let go in the way that a person might need. We use the word “play” because it’s a vernacular shortcut that lets people know what we’re talking about but it’s probably a poor descriptor for the level emotional release that might be encapsulated in a scene. Parties and the club are good for certain people and certain types of play and obviously not for everyone nor every occasion.

    Sandy: It’s odd how a few of us had similar experiences this weekend. Something in the air?

  5. Isn’t it weird how everyone seems to go through these bouts at the same time, Sandy? I am really glad I went to the club last night, and I had a great time just talking and hanging out with peope, but if anyone even looked at me with that “come on we’re playing” look, I probably would have burst into tears.

  6. The sort of play that got me into that headspace requires so much concentration and takes so much out of me that I’m contemplating just doing those kind of scenes as private sessions rather than in a club or party.

  7. Lisa, I’m interested in what you say about feeling burned out at the minute. When I started playing it was pretty intense at first, with two clubs nights in quick sucession and several heavy play dates. A friend cautioned me on the chance of burning out which I didn’t understand at the time.

    But as our club is only held once a month and hasn’t been held in Jan at all, coupled with most people being busy/broke after Christmas there have been very few play opportunities. While I’ve certainly missed it I think it was probably a good thing for me to take a step back from it and I can’t wait to get going again 😀

  8. Rad I think it’s great you can do those scenes at a club, I know I couldn’t. But if you feel it’s taking too much out of you then you’re right to cut back on it.

  9. Talk about being in a weird headspace: it rained all weekend in Southern California and I stayed up late watching “Bug” last night.

  10. SD: I don’t know what “Bug” is but it sounds perfect for a dark and stormy night.

  11. I own the movie “Bug” only because I never returned it to Blockbuster, and they said ” too late, Kiddo. You own it now.”. I didn’t even like it. Anyone want it? I am not into creepy movies.

    I am glad I am not alone in feeling “off”. It’s just ..I don’t know…there are times when one really grasps that this is a pretty personal and private fantasy….even with all the hoopla and bells and whistles and glee over the fact that we all share it. We are all still individuals, after all.

    I couldn’t get my psyche to “gel” with the fact that I felt guilty, ashamed, sad, sorry, bad, contrite, foolish, punished, and a hundred other adjectives, …but, was at a ‘party’ ( the club) where it seems a lot of laughter and fun and casual play is going down ( which is FINE ..dont get me wrong…)

    I was confused and irritable about needing to sort of come in and go out of my own deep headspace after taking a heavy punishment, when certain people would NOT ‘get it’ that I wasn’t in a “time out” to talk to..or amuse anyone. I felt like a sell-out to ME.

  12. Lisa, I heard what happened and I hope you read that jerk the riot act or report him. Do NOT think YOU did anything wrong. He should be reported.

  13. I’ve said this to Lisa and Sandy that I’m convinced that some people whose behavior is often explained as “clueless” are not as dumb as they seem. Personally, I think there is a definite method behind the madness — an M.O. This is the way they “operate” and know exactly what they are doing.

  14. Rad, I agree…especially in hindsight…and it was rude and disrespectful to both Top and Bottom involved..and there was a definite ‘gleam’ in his eye.
    It was a buzzkill to ME ( though not entirely) and it was an incredible F .U. to the Top involved…..( ahem). Unnecessary. And that’s putting it mildly.
    If I never see that individual again…it would be just dandy. I have no “TIME” or patience anymore for people who can’t (or WON’T) respect others scenes or interractions because they are jealous or whatever.

    I can’t believe that a person …no matter their inclination in the scene, doesn’t know that if someone is in a corner or some element of their own PRIVATE ‘subspace’, you don’t talk to them or touch them once..let alone three times. Ick.

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