Not Doing This To Feel Bad

Standard disclaimer written here for those who might read more into this than is actually there.

Frankly, as a member of the spanking scene and someone who likes to scratch that itch, I’m in it to win it.

When I got involved in the scene, it was was because I finally wanted to explore the feelings I had held inside myself for so long. I wanted to be involved and by “involved”, I didn’t mean hosting bake sales and hanging up streamers — I wanted to spank because that’s what I desired. I made a promise to myself back then that if I was involved for a certain amount of time and it wasn’t working out for me, I would go back to my existence of videos and other spanking porn, living a solitary life that I figured wasn’t all bad.

It didn’t work out that way. I found a partner (my wife Sandy) very quickly and the rest is history. I discovered that people wanted to play with me for whatever reason and that there was no shortage of play opportunities when I went to the club or to a party. I’m not claiming any status or putting myself on any pedestal but merely stating the way things came to pass. I’ve said a million times that I enjoy what I am doing in a big way and no matter my peevishness about certain aspects of the scene, think things are pretty good.

The thing that does stress me out to a certain degree is feeling guilty that I haven’t played with someone that wants to play with me. It sounds silly to write it and perhaps a bit arrogant (although that never stops me) but it sometimes gets to be a weird juggling act when I’m at a party that’s attended by several people I enjoy playing with. I sometimes feel that my attempts to neglect no one end up shortchanging everyone to a certain degree. That’s the thing that makes me feel guilty, that I’ve disappointed a friend or acquaintance by not giving them a certain amount of my attention though I’m never quite sure what that amount should be.

Then there’s the other thing that makes me feel especially guilty — that I’m neglecting my wife by playing with lots of people. I know that I did that to her a couple of Shadow Lane parties back and have felt bad about it since then. I know that she plays a great deal, too — something I’m really happy about because I want her to have fun. I just have to make a point of making Sandy my main focus when I go to these events because I really like having quality time to play with her considering the fact that we can’t really make noise in our apartment beyond a certain hour in the evening.

Somewhere in all of this kvetching is a healthy balance which I more often than not get to during these events. The reality is that I feel nerves before any party the same as anyone else and for whatever reason it all works out in the end anyway. I guess I can stop bitching now.

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19 Responses to “Not Doing This To Feel Bad”

  1. Rad….you are only one person and your first priority is Sandy. Everyone else is secondary….and you can only stretch yourself so far. Besides…once I get to NYC…everyone else will have to get in line behind ME anyways! pfffft! It’s almost Friday doll! You guys have a great one!

  2. Tough to be Prom King! 😉

    YOU feel nerves, Rad? Yeesh…ain’t nothin’ LEFT of MY fingernails!

    Yeah, Viva Le ‘healthy balance!’ … I think it’s beyond awesome that you and Sandy are not only cool about playing with others… you encourage it…because you both have the true grasp of it all being in the spirit of fun, friendship, and self-expression .

    Now.. I am grabbing MY deli number and shoving spankingbarbie out of line….;-) Lisa

  3. Wednesday Says:

    Same thing has been happening to me and D (with both spanking and my other kinks). Thank you for expressing it so well. Now I will pay attention to the comments encouraging balance. 🙂

  4. Doing some soul searching, I think a lot of the reason why it’s difficult for me to feel I’m rejecting people has to do with issues of abandonment from my own childhood. At an early age, my mother went back to work full time and although I certainly don’t begrudge her for that, I do remember particular instances from those years where I was pretty distraught at the sight of her leaving in the morning. I struggled through a lot of the same issues in my later life including being devastated when feeling rejected by people. I suppose on some level, my desire to not disappoint has much to do with the fact that I don’t want other folks to feel the way I did.

  5. omg..Here Here on THAT sentiment!!

    I feel that if you had to narrow down just ONE trait that links all humans, it would be the need to be needed, accepted, and just LIKED.

  6. Rad, you are not alone in how you feel. But you know you don’t have to worry about me. I have to work out my own insecurities and need for attention, and I get plenty — especially from you.

    Who else besides Lisa and Barb is jumping into this cat fight?

  7. ooh! ARE we in a cat fight?! What fun! 😉

  8. I’ve been reading around here to try and figure out what it would take to be popular like you.

    What see it might take is:
    -To speak well (I can extrapolate from your writing that you DO)
    -Be friendly and relaxed at the gatherings.
    -Don’t do ANY of the 1000 obnoxious things-not-to-do that you’ve cataloged
    -Try and enjoy yourself and be aware of the the lady’s limits at the same time.

    I’m thinking that the ladies will forgive me if I don’t do everything right, but at the same time don’t do anything wrong. Am I getting it right?

  9. I don’t know if doing “everything right” is the key or even possible. I do think that some of the things you’ve mentioned in your list above are important. I’ll assume the remark about “1000 obnoxious things…” was meant to be facetious but I want to reiterate that all of the things I write about on this blog are my opinions only.

    For example, if I don’t care for the word “tushy” I don’t really give a damn if anyone else does or not — that’s just my peeve. However, a person behaving in a rude and imperious fashion online or at a gathering is probably going to find a consensus against them. They may not like it but more often than not it will be the case.

    My primary guide for any man in the scene is simply to be a mensch.

  10. Lisa…..I think we need to MEET if we are in a cat fight! MMMMMEEEEEEOOOWWWWW! hahaha. I don’t scratch. Much. ♥

  11. Rad –

    Would I be right in thinking that at the present time there might be a shortage of mensches on the scene, and that a would-be gentleman such as myself might not have to be as anxious as I have been about being shunned for what I’ll call inexperience?

  12. Personally, I don’t think that’s the case at all. I think there are a number of squeaky wheels that are talked about because they are so obvious and a vast number of good Tops that do what they do, enjoy themselves and are enjoyed by others. I also think there is a certain lack of confidence among many potentially popular Tops that these individuals are just going to have to get over.

  13. So what happens? Does a bottom look around, see who’s here from their list, who looks interesting, who’s new and maybe worth knowing?

  14. Sorry, I was in a rush, and it came out the wrong way. I hope that you can see from my first posts that I was trying to learn, not give you a hard time. Could you please delete my post so people don’t get the wrong idea?

  15. MVee:

    I didn’t delete your comment but kept what I thought was the relevant part.

    I think the simple answer is “yes”. Like in all walks of life, people go around and see what interests them and pick from that group. Whether it’s looks, personality, play style or some other intangible, this is what most people do.

  16. Am I the only one who had to google “mensch”?

    To MVee: Perhaps you are overthinking things just a bit. Do your homework (i.e. get to know people in some fashion), learn the basics of scene etiquette, have a decent understanding of basic human communication skills, keep your expectations reasonable, and have fun. It really isn’t rocket science.

    Rad: I so get what you are saying, but every time I type a reply it sounds stupid. Quality versus quantity. The more friends we have, the less time we have for each friendship, especially if they are spanking partners and we want one-on-one meaningful time with them. Personally, I think I would rather have a few really spectacular play experiences than a multitude of less intense ones, which is what happens when I try to do too much. Everyone finds their own balance. But yeah, your party experience is about you. You should do what works for you and makes you happy.

  17. Being less than a year past my first spanking party, also my first play experience, I’m sympathetic to MVee’s concerns. I think it’s got to be a lot harder to come into the scene as a male top than as a female bottom, for two reasons. First, part of the fun for most bottoms is that the top is confidently in charge. That’s a little hard to do when you’re not an experienced spanker. The whole bending over someone’s lap and getting a spanking part requires less skill, and a lot of tops seem to like newcomers’ very authentic and often cute reactions. I remember being very glad that was all I had to do at my first party.

    Second, women help each other into the scene more than most men seem to. MVee, Rad had an interesting post earlier about men hoarding and women sharing that may provide a partial explanation for this phenomenon. From my perspective, the key is not to pretend that you have more experience than you do. The organizers of groups are generally very good about helping newcomers to find appropriate partners. For a bottom, that means a top who has experience with newcomers– not necessarily the most skilled spanker, but a skilled teacher. For a top, that means a bottom who likes to bring new spankers into the scene. In my experience, there are a lot of people like this in the scene. Most people remember how nervous they were at first and are glad to help others through the experience.

    The biggest mistake anybody, especially a new top, can make is to pretend more experience or knowledge of the scene than they have. Not only does that mean all lapses in scene etiquette will be judged more harshly than they would for a newcomer, but it also demonstrates a lack of concern for the bottom’s safety. That’s a major sin in the spanking party scene, and it takes a long time to come back from that.

  18. Holy Mother of Toledo. I was just going to wing this “scene” thing. I mean, a sublime dress, the right shade of lipstick and a winning attitude. What else does a girl need?

  19. Thats a damn good start, Jasmine! Bring a huge stick to fight them off with! 😉

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