Why So Bitter?

If someone is bitter about their experiences in the scene, maybe there’s a reason that doesn’t involve other people.

I think of myself as being very lucky in the scene but am also a big believer in making your own luck and being in charge of your own karma. The choices a person makes about their demeanor and the way they act has a lot to do with how successful they are. I find the notion of nice guys finishing last to be more myth than reality and from my observation, the bitter and unsuccessful person in the scene can usually look to themselves for the reasons.

Internet message boards are full of remarks from folks who feel they’ve gotten the short end of the stick. Some are angrier than others — full of recriminations about how it’s another person’s or group’s fault that this has befallen them. Between all the negative words I never see anyone think that they need to change at all. Not once do I see any of these people say, “Gee, maybe it’s something I’m doing that’s not so successful” — never. I guess it’s easier for them to put the blame on outside forces than look inward at what might be causing the issue.

The thing is that there are plenty of people in the scene that are willing to help with advice if a person is receptive. Unfortunately, the Bitters are never the ones to take advice because they seem to know it all to begin with even if what they know doesn’t seem to be helping them one damned bit. The most galling thing about the Bitters are their often condescending dismissal of the people giving the advice. “Sure, that’s easy for you“, they say, “you are one of the [fill in the blank] crowd”. Can I say one thing here? Cop out. The idea that advice is worthless because of some mythical “In Crowd” (which never seems to be clearly defined) is just sad and lazy.

The hardcore Bitters are the absolute losers of the scene. They weren’t born that way nor is the way they are the fault of a grand conspiracy — they are self-absorbed people steeped in a broth of their own wonderfulness and completely unable to accept the fact that some change might be necessary. You’d think self-absorbed people would be more self-aware but alas, it is not so.

I try to be as nice as possible with the vast majority of people I meet in the scene. Whether at the club or at a party (or here on this blog), I’ll be glad to help them out if I can. What I won’t do or desireĀ  to do is hold their hand and lead them around. I’ll be happy to show them where to eat, I won’t chew the food for them.

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10 Responses to “Why So Bitter?”

  1. sometimes your intellect is intimidating. I like you anyway. šŸ™‚

    and oh..I agree with what you said.

    One thing I am learning is that it’s really important to be confident..which can be a little bit of a challenge when you are the ‘type’ of submissive I am. One has to be nice..always..but never TOO accommodating.

    It’s too easy for nasty people..of both sexes, to blame others for their bad luck in this scene. I agree that there is a perceived ” in” crowd. But..why is that? The in crowd is largely comprised of happy, open minded, friendly people. They respect each other. I don’t know. It’s elusive. I like to play with who I like to play with. And it’s not meant to cast dispersions on anyone’s character. If a man is rude to me, or too sexual…or puts me down.or acts like he is doing me a favor….. then no, I won’t play with him. If that makes him bitter…well, Oh well.

  2. Lisa: I like the comment on the “In Crowd” and agree that those folks that are confident in their own skin tend to congregate. To the outsider (and especially the person who lacks confidence), they can seem like a clique.

  3. I’ve noticed that for years, Rad. Takes me riiight back to high school. And those were NOT happy memories…

    in this scene, I have a small handful of friends. DEAR friends. I hate that it can be reduced to a ‘clique’ by folks who don’t know HOW to go and make friends..scene or vanilla…
    people just are who they are. If you can go through life with friends you can count on one hand..you are lucky indeed.

  4. “…self absorbed people steeped in a broth of their own wonderfulness..”

    Priceless.

  5. Wednesday Says:

    I’m back šŸ˜‰

    I’ve been on both sides of this–sorta. When I was on the other side I did not get bitter. I was fortunate that I lacked that defensive self absorbed quality that seems to be the lock on this particular trap. Right away I started looking at what I could do. I knew the “something” that was keeping me from the group was lack of confidence, lack of social skills, and a need to recover from the crappola in first part of my life. So I spent the next several years getting to work on it (Like any skill one has to practice a *lot* to master it). Having less than ideal social skills is not a value judgment, it is just a fact. There are a bazillion reasons why that can be so, and a number of them have nothing to do with the person who lacks said skills. If nobody ever teaches you to read because they don’t know how to do so themselves, you end up figuring out how to get yourself taught when you finally grow up. It is not your fault you never learned, but it is now your responsibility to see to it that you do learn eventually. There *is* a difference between fault and responsibility.

    So now I find myself on the other side. Given the defensiveness of most people in the bitter frame of mind there is nothing I can really do to help them. Given their unpleasantness I generally want to avoid them when I am in the mood to have fun. Nothing personal….

  6. I think Wednesday makes a very good point. We all have our moments of dejection and rejection, sour moods and jealous anger. The thing is to not make it a habit. When “bitter” becomes one of your indentifying characteristics, then you’ve got serious problems.

  7. Wow. Since I haven’t been in the scene, like, ever, this is all good advice. I’m soaking it in. Cheers.

  8. I agree with much of what’s been said. I, too, have had bitter moments. My feelings of being on the outside. I STILL have my moments where i don’t think I fit in. Sometimes I walk into a room and fake my confidence … but faking it is a lot better than avoiding a party altogether, as I might have done in a previous life.

  9. I want to thank all the contributors above.

    The fact is that there are certain people who through some bizarre sense of entitlement feel they haven’t gotten a fair shake. To these folks, it’s always someone else’s fault why this is so. These people are also a little too vocal in their bitterness and have to constantly bring down the mood of the room with their self-pity.

    No offense to those that might have felt out of it on occasion (as I have) but some people are just pathetic.

  10. Yikes!! Everyone better suck it up, then. Get it together, peoples! šŸ˜‰

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