Dominant Outside The Scene

One manifestation of the discovery of my Toppy or Dominant nature is the awareness of it in my every day life. It’s most notable how the “headspace” I get from that is different from what I get when “inside” the scene.

When I’m being a Top or a Dom in the spanking scene, I’m very tuned to what I’m getting out of it. A lot of bottoms or subs talk about liking the feeling of being controlled and what I get out of the headspace is the opposite number of that feeling. It is a feeling of having someone under my control, being able to cause pain or not, make them do what I say or not — that I am, for a brief time, a sort of quasi-god in the pocket universe that’s created when two people play. The Daddy vibe is a little different because although it also is about control, it is tied up with paternal feelings of caring and guidance.

The thing that surprised me when I came out was that I began to notice how my dominant attitude or demeanor was present in my interactions with others; this was primarily true at work. I work in a very “Type A” sort of business — a real corporate jungle. Every successful member of this community has to carve out territory and be vigilant about encroachment on that turf. That mean lots of minor (and sometimes major) confrontations on a daily basis which give ample room for my dominant side to assert itself. However, unlike the freeing of this side of my personality in the spanking world, its use in the business world leaves me with the most negative headspace possible. Why don’t I feel the same?

I’m a believer in efficiency — I love it so. Things should run like humming machine if all the parts are in perfect working order. Sometimes things are not due to unforseen and unavoidable circumstance — so be it. But when the breakdown in efficiency is avoidable, when a person that can do a better job refuses to do it, that’s when I get perturbed and have to assert myself. Unlike the scene, where a punishment has a beginning, middle and end, with the end being a positive resolution or outcome, the vanilla world’s version of this is backwards. For me. the fact that I have to assert myself at all in this way is the worst possible outcome and akin to a complete breakdown of the way things should progress.

Unlike the scene, where my dominance always leaves me feeling good, dominance in the vanilla world leaves me feeling disgusted and disappointed.


9 Responses to “Dominant Outside The Scene”

  1. I get no end of satisfaction reading about the Top’s perspective. Thanks for sharing this, Rad.
    I am always so awash in feelings and ‘analyzing ‘ things in this scene from my own position,..and lately I HAVE been wondering more and more what a Top feels from the various complexities within it. Very interesting…the juxtaposition of one’s desires and needs while navigating through our day to day vanilla life. I’m basically a ‘servant’ in a way MY job..but there is no physical I get when having a nice intense spanking….this was a really good blog today…

  2. Oh, and….: “quasi -god in the pocket universe…” What a superb way to put it.
    I’ve been known to almost deify a good Top/Dom. The yin-yang is addictive….

  3. That’s something I haven’t thought about before. It works the other way round, too. When I am subbing or bottoming in the scene, I’m obviously getting all kinds of stuff out of it. I even like it in a role-play if I am being punished unjustly. But in real life…well, I’m marginally employed and have never been in a position of influence or power. I’m usually an assistant or a nanny or some kind of bottom-of-the-totem-pole gopher. There have been lots of times I’ve been bawled out at work for being late, for forgetting something, for making a mistake, or just because the boss is in a dick mood. And I almost always cry, too, (though not in front of the boss) which is so rare in a scene. If I *am* in the wrong the sense of shame and that sick feeling in my stomach bears no resemblance to the feelings I have even in a “real life” discipline scene. And if I’m being treated unfairly, the humiliation and flushed feeling of indignation and powerlessness isn’t something I’d ever ever experience on purpose.


  4. caroline: The missing component in vanilla world manifestations of D/s feelings is the decided lack of mutual respect. There is a social contract that’s created between a Top or bottom that includes respect for the position the other person is in. This does not exist in the outside world which doesn’t view domination as anything but a top-down totalitarian exchange. There is nothing mutual about the desire to crush someone under your thumb.

    Lisa: Thanks. By the way, the original name of this site before I chose “Radspace” was going to be “Quasi-god Makes Good”. I thought it might be a touch hubristic.

  5. LOL for real….cracker crumbs on keyboard. You’re too much …..

    howzabout: the cult of Rad…? RADical Rantings & Ramblings…? lol

    ps: touche. I had to look up hubris. Yay! I have a new word now!

  6. Emma Jane Says:

    My experience is the exact opposite of yours Rad and amybe it’s just the typical bottom/sub way. While I don’t try to analyse my bottom/sub side too much, I know that it’s mostly about me giving up control; something I find very easy to do while playing but almost impossible to do in real life.

    I’m your typical eldest of several children, the bossy, organised one, mothering everyone, organising all my friends and usually thinking I’m right about everything! So no room for submissiveness there!

    And in my work life I work in a very competitive environment, long hours, office politics and the need to stay ahead. As a small, sorta cute looking girl, who has always looked younger than her age I’ve always been fighting to be listened to at work and to be taken seriously, so no room to be submissive, I have to be in control. That said I wouldn’t have it any other way and it just makes play all the more special and all the more important!

    Great blog Rad, I may have to stop reading, you’re making me think too much πŸ˜‰

  7. Wow. I really like this topic. And they’re totally going to single this line out when Rad gets his Pulitzer or Webby: “quasi-god in the pocket universe that’s created when two people play.” What Lisa said.

    I don’t know why I analyze so much, but I’m glad it’s not all me. So, it seems like there may be some core values in the scene. I’m supposing based on stories, which are idealized, mostly consensual fantasies. (Already my thesis is weak. πŸ˜‰ So…spanking stories endorse truth, structure, follow-through, and respect. This is often supported by a penchant for accuracy and precision. That is, no bottom gets kudos for being sorta truthful or kinda completing a task. Then, there’s the agreement of all parties that lapses need to be corrected. Things must be righted. And, the bottom feels the Top’s disappointment keenly. It’s not something to shrug off. In the end, things are righted. Harmony reigns. The structure is repaired and both people feel good about it.

    In real life, I see myself wanting organizations, work groups, individuals and solutions to be the best combination of effective and efficient. And, feeling irritated when others chose not to do what’s required to acheive common goals. I don’t mind mentioning a missed task, but I do bristle at blatant disregard or slacking by one that affects many. I hate having to point lapses out, sometimes multiple times. It’s different than my idealized world; it takes tremendous energy, and there’s virtually no payoff.

    How much more enticing is an exchange where two fit like pieces in a puzzle; and truth, structure, follow-through and respect are maintained. (Don’t worry; I’m not going to start quoting Ayn Rand now. Who is John Gault? πŸ™‚

  8. Jasmine..that was fantastic.

    God..way to express! You better get in line for a blog-commentary “webbie” award too!

    I sometimes *think* about all the puzzle- pieces- fitting aspects of bdsm play until I get a twitch in my eye.

    The exchange of energy in this activity is compellingly complex. can get refined down to being 10 or 15 minutes of “simple” erotic bliss…but then, how would one explain the underlying tone in the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day?
    In my life, if I don’t have some sort of structure and limits imposed on me, the chaos can become unsettling. I don’t know if it’s a defect of character or what, but, I just am NOT good at setting my own rules . I need that certain firm TUG back to reality …for it serves to calm and center me. “..things must be righted..”. Indeed!

  9. ditto on the “quasi-God in the pocket universe” . . .

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