The Family We Choose

My wife Sandy made a good point to me yesterday about why the scene is so important to me and why I make it such an important part of my life.

Like lots of folks in this world, I didn’t exactly have the lovely and charming childhood that you see on old TV shows. It certainly wasn’t as bad as it could have been but it was devoid of an real love that I could discern. It was a cold place to grow up among people who not only did not understand me but made no effort to do so at all. They were right and I was wrong — and “wrong” always meant “bad”.

Flash forward many years and I enter the spanking scene. I feel so at home there that almost instantly years of discomfort inside my own skin melt away. People accept and understand me for what I am seemingly with no strings attached. Up until this very day, the idea that I can be myself among a certain group of people is not only liberating but calming because I can lower the barrier that is always up in the vanilla world. Unlike the family I had no choice but to be a member of, the scene has become a family I have chosen to belong to which gives me a wonderful feeling of freedom.

My friends in the scene do feel like family to me and that’s not an exageration at all. I feel so comfortable around them after so many years of being an “outsider” in my own life that I seek it out because it feels so good. And how could it not? I have good friends because of the scene, happy times because of the scene and even found the love of my life because of the scene. It is one of the best things to happen to me and one of the best things in my life right now.

Is my desire to be involved an addiction of some kind? I don’t know but all I can say is that if it is, then it is an addiction to a feeling of joy sans chemicals. At long last, I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.


18 Responses to “The Family We Choose”

  1. Rad, That was incredibly poignant and stated so eloquently.

    I have LONG since given up any guilt about belonging to this community..which I also TRULY feel is my family of choice, too. Its amazing how something like a “shared kink” can do that but…at it’s heart, its SO much more than that. It’s acceptance with open arms ( well, usually..b/c, as with all families, there can be large amounts of in-fighting!!) and that acceptance is because it takes a huge amount of honesty to accept and express yourself in this uptight vanilla world. Addiction? Maybe. But, that conjures up negative images. Addicted to the pure joy of being yourself? I’ll get in that line!
    Erotic and emotional joy thats chemical free? Count me in twice!!

    I for one am honored to be your friend..and I really feel we all help each other celebrate life….when ” real life” such as it is…lets us down. Peace…..

  2. Thank you, Lisa. I very much appreciate your comments.

  3. Rad, you and Lisa said it perfectly. I often use the word “liberated” to describe how I feel since I’ve entered this scene. The friendships and relationships that I’ve build here are deeper than any others. If you think about it, our starting point with each other is “Hello. This is my deepest fantasy and the most intimate part of myself” – that’s a pretty intense starting point. We then go on to bond with those that we connect with on so many other different levels. I share more with my scene friends than I do with the friends that I’ve had since childhood. I can truly be myself.

    I consider my scene friends my “chosen” family. The scene is a place for me to truly be who I am and embrace that part of myself that I’ve kept hidden for so long. My scene life does take priority at times and I refuse to feel bad about that. What I’m really saying is that my happiness takes priority and there’s nothing wrong with that.

  4. Thanks, Jules. Very nice addition to my post and Lisa’s comment.

  5. Sometimes, I take a step back and ask myself “Am I getting too involved? Am I letting this be too much a part of who I am?” and usually I decide “No”. I am lucky to have found myself at a young age. I am even luckier to have had such good luck thus far in finding friends.

    I hold both scene friends and vanilla friends close, but there is something truly special about being able to be wholly who you are around someone, and that’s what makes scene friends that much more special.

    Someone who I can share spanking, music, dinner, coffee, movies, etc. with is easier to be around because I don’t have to constantly worry about seeming kinky or out there on anything.

    Our family is only as big as we want it to be, blood isn’t everything.

  6. Yes. It takes wayyyyyy more than blood to make a be sure. You stay strong, Rad!! We luv ya!!

  7. Well said, Rad.

  8. I really enjoy the eloquence, honesty and humor of everyone who’s posted. I’ve realized for a couple months now that I want to feel safe, secure and cherished in a long-term relationship. And, I want to make my partner feel the same. Through reading this blog, however, I see that you can do this in a community, too. You guys give one another a ton of (well deserved) kudos, warmth and support. That safety and security–you have it right here. And, you all seem to know what you’ve got in this space. You outright cherish and celebrate it–daily. I’m going to my first SL party this spring. I’d love to meet you all there. Thanks for blogging, Rad! Thanks for making and keeping your commitment. Here’s to the “pure joy of being yourself”! Cheers.

  9. Rad, that is such an amazing blog. You always find the perfect way to word things. I cannot even express how much my scene friends mean to me. You all are my second family. I feel so comfortable, safe, and free when I am with you all. Like Marie, I was lucky to discover all of this at a young age. I am so grateful that I met you guys when I moved to NYC. Thank you for posting this.

  10. To all who commented: Although I use the word “family” in describing the scene, always remember that what you get out of it should be what YOU desire, not what anyone imposes upon you.

  11. What is imposed upon you, now that’s a damn good description of my original flesh & blood family.

    The scene is far less dysfunctional.

  12. I vividly recall that initial feeling of acceptance, when I first entered the scene. It’s something you only experience once in life; it’s unforgettable.

  13. Rad, sorry to cross-post to what Tony said….: absolutely. How ironic that we are all in this so-called “alternative lifestyle” and it is SO often (maybe even always) much MUCH less dysfunctional than “real life”.

    My personal reality is a mere perception anyway. This might be a silly analogy, but…the whole fantasy/reality issue reminds me of the life(successful) actors lead. They make a VERY VERY good living in their ‘real lives’ because of enacting fantasies..which is what movies and tv and characters are. All of that directly relates to their “real life”
    as it is how they are ABLE to live. Again..this is why I don’t even resonate to the words kink or fetish. For me..this..all of “this” with you people is what I AM..not just what I ‘do’. Damn. I use quotation marks far too much. ha ha. So much for that NY’s resolution! 🙂

  14. Remember Rad, “friends are God’s way of apologizing for family.”

  15. I feel very lucky in having a supportive family, as well as a wonderful family of vanilla friends. Nonetheless, there is something special about scene friendships. Jules and Jasmine each pointed out key factors: the closeness that comes from sharing– merely by your presence at a scene gathering– a secret many of us thought we’d never share with anyone. And there is a real effort to support one another, however differently we wish to engage our kink. To me, the amazing thing is how quickly real friendships are built because of those factors. What a great way to meet really interesting people from all walks of life in a half dozen or more countries. It would be worth coming out in the scene even if I didn’t get spanked!

  16. Acceptance and belonging are the deepest part of all of us. So we’ve found a place that often provides both and it’s no wonder that it becomes a cherished place. I love my biological family, always will but my chosen, kink family are so much closer because they know the “me” that isn’t hidden. What a free wonderful feeling! Great post Rad.

  17. I tolerate my bio-fam..and honestly..I really have NO vanilla friends. It amazed me yesterday when I realized this. I don’t even have work I work for myself, and have two “clients”. Thinking of my kinky friends as ‘family’ is as natural as breathing to me.

  18. Family is odd. When Joel moved in and later got married, it was kind of hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I had all these new people who were family. Instant bondage..errr bonding. Actually I like them and they like me for some goofy reason. So that’s all good.

    I wonder how a family like that mega family in Arkansas with the 18 (or is it 19 now?) kids forms a family. Do they even really get to know each other intimately or are they so into the funtion of making it work, that they are merely cogs in a wheel. What would happen if you didn’t want to be part of that? I kind of feel for those kids.

    I don’t like it when people call us spankos “one big crazy dysfuntional family” . I have my friends. My good friends. THEY can be my family, but that is limited to a smaller circle. The rest of the crazies can keep their distance please.

    I know.. I know… you all missed by wit and humor. Laptop issues as of yet unresolved. Love our spanking friends.. and the spanking family better know who they are.

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