Choosing Play Partners

As a Top with specific desires, it can sometimes be a bit of a minefield to ask people to play.

As someone into both discipline scenes and occasionally the Daddy thing, I find that I gravitate towards partners that fit into those categories — the former much more than the latter. Even for casual play partners, I enjoy being with people that like even a hint of the dynamic of discipline. It doesn’t have to be exactly what I want down to the letter but it should have the right feel otherwise it’s not going to really work. I don’t really do sensual spankings because that’s not my thing so it’s important to play with people that I’m on the same page with. This is the reason that things like my profile on Fetlife or the things I write on this blog are so specifically tied to what I enjoy — I want to make my flavor of kink abundantly clear to any and all who read about me. No surprises here.

The problem is that sometimes I will hear that a particular person has wanted to play with me for x-amount of time and I had absolutely no clue that that was the case. Not only did I never see a hint that they might be interested but never knew which way their kink leaned — whether discipline or otherwise. I’m also somewhat cognizant when I see a potential play partner who already seems to have a Top. I have a tendency to back off a bit because I don’t want to step on any toes by doing any sort of discipline when it’s not really my place to do that. Perhaps it’s possible in a throwaway sort of fun scene but I try to make sure it isn’t anything more serious than that. I hate feeling as if I’ve stuck my nose where it didn’t belong in someone else’s “thing”.

I just feel that those folks who don’t articulate what they like or who they want to play with well need to figure out some way to do that and avoid being frustrated. I think using an intermediary works wonders. Yes, perhaps it’s a bit high school-ish to have to do that but I think having a friend “whisper” something in a Top’s ear about another person is a good icebreaker. I can’t tell you how many times someone has done that with me and how many times the results have been not only getting a good scene out of it but getting a great scene out of it when it may not have happened at all.

Honestly, just sitting around waiting for people to come to you is not a very pro-active stance for Top or bottom.


5 Responses to “Choosing Play Partners”

  1. I am curious… as to your first paragraph…: can’t/doesn’t a daddy scene inherently INVOLVE a ” discipline” scene? How do you differentiate the two? Is it that you feel less of a paternal, nurturing ” energy” when in the strict Disciplinarian mode…? Inquiring minds wanna know!

  2. I think a daddy scene CAN have a discipline element, but that it doesn’t have to. Sometimes I get daddy spankings to make me feel secure, loved, etc. or to calm me down.

    Just my 2 cents.

  3. I agree Rad about helping each other out in the scene and whispering in ears to let Tops/bottoms know that someone is interested in play. I’ve done it a million times for others, and my guess is that one or two have done it for me and I appreciate it. You have to find a way to communicate and if that means enlisting a good friend to help out then do it! There’s nothing worse than a frustrated spanko!

    As far as a discipline scene vs. a daddy scene? I separate them as well. A Daddy/daughter relationship is very specific whereas “discipline” is more general and encompasses a wide spectrum of possibilities. I think all Rad was saying was that he encounters more play partners into discipline vs. something more specific like Daddy/daughter.

  4. I think everyone hits it on the nail in one way or another. Yes, I think that a Daddy/daughter scene is much more specific and has a totally different energy than another type of discipline scene. The word “nurturing” is an overused one but I think it applies to the overall theme and headspace. Jules is right as well when she says that the more general type of discipline scene is more prevalent — at least in my experiences.

  5. You make a good Daddy. ( my shortest post ever)

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