What Are Words For?

At its simplest it boils down to this: How are you going to get needs met or know what a partner wants unless you are willing to talk about it?

Moving forward from my last post, I want to widen the topic to include pretty much everything that can and should be talked about before two (or more) people decide on play, a scene or whatever variety of relationship they want to engage in. I mentioned that a lot of people don’t like to talk about their desire for Daddy/daughter play because of the stigma that some noisy people in the scene attach to it. Yes, I’m sorry that something bad happened to someone at the hands of their father but that has little bearing on what consenting adults should or should not be able to do if they wish it. The same sort of added value embarrassment that some people feel talking about the above example seems to keep a lot of folks from being able to talk about their desires in a mature matter-of-fact manner.

Yes, it’s embarrassing to bare your soul and talk about your deepest and darkest desires – things you’ve kept hidden away for perhaps decades. The truth is that if you can’t be honest in the BDSM and spanking scenes, where can you be honest? As a matter of pure unadulterated logic, how in the world does anyone expect another person to know what they like unless they are willing to broach the subject, shame or not. For example, one person likes to spank with a disciplinary bent, the other wants a totally mouth closed robotic spanking. Probably not a good match and best if they knew that ahead of time. Another example: One person likes to digitally manipulate people after a spanking – probably a good idea to let that little detail be known ahead of time. One person might say, “Manipulate away”, another, not so much. Talking about it no matter how embarrassing the subject is probably the way to go here.

The thing is that people have to also be receptive of information like this with a heightened level of maturity. A person just told you a dark secret of their soul, snickering like an idiot child will not only hurt them but hurt the scene by creating an atmosphere where people don’t feel comfortable saying anything for fear of being made the butt of jokes. Sure, the guy who likes to suck on diapers is a bit freaky but you can easily say a polite “no thanks” and wait until you get home to laugh. Guffawing in his face is counterproductive.


4 Responses to “What Are Words For?”

  1. The last paparagraph made me giggle uncontrollably. Thanks for that!
    You know..if I were to be stuck on that proverbial “desert island” with only ONE component of this scene I was allowed to have with me ( this makes NO sense of course, but bear with me) I would have to say communication.

    In a perfect world, we would allll be mind readers, and able to sublimely tap into each other’s most hidden, wicked, secret needs-within-needs with regards to our fetish. Alas, reall ife doesn’t work that way. You HAVE to have talk and signals if you want satisfactory play and relationships. (But… what DOES a little girl DO if she is afraid to discuss something with her daddy, for instance….? )

  2. I’ve been told that I’m a good communicator, but that is BS. I work at it very hard. It’s hard for me to discuss intimacies without embarrassment, and it’s hard for me to verbally communicate with people at work. Being shy makes it twice as hard.

    I’m glad you’ve been posting your thoughts on the subject because I am currently in the process of “interviewing” potential new “tops,” by which I mean that I’m looking for someone that will play an ongoing role in my life, someone that I can build a friendship with and feel sufficiently comfortable with to discuss all those “private” things — oh yeah, and get spanked the way I want.

    I want someone who will respect my boundaries but also be able to push them (should I decide that is what I want).

    I met someone a few days ago and thought that I had done an excellent job of openly discussing my personal preferences in a matter-of-fact way, but then it seemed as if my words only served to titillate. As I strive to be earnest and sincere, I get a lot of “lip service” from guys who claim to understand but then go on to demonstrate that they really haven’t absorbed what I’ve said.

    So, either I’m a poor communicator or the men I’ve had such discussions with are poor listeners (or both). Did I manage to get my point across?

  3. Personally, I think adults should be able to discuss anything they want because the more people talk, the less strange the topic becomes.

    As for people not listening: Some people just hear what they want to hear or simply “yes” you to death as a step on the road to getting what they really want.

  4. I’m all for communication, but there are some things I probably could never tell a potential top — things that are embarrassing. With the right person, I accept certain types of play. With the wrong person, I feel I would be revealing too much — and I wouldn’t feel comfortable having some things done to me by some tops. I’m talking about the love/hate things that can come up in an intense scene. Things you would never ASK to have done to you. But with the right person, you accept them.

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