A Sham Artist and a Charlatan

I mean me.

I’m going to rant a bit here, not about any pet peeve or incident but about your truly.

Whenever I’m told I’m a good player by this person or that, why is it that I feel like saying to that person, “What the fuck are you talking about”? I sometimes feel that any sort of praise I get is completely misplaced and unwarranted. What exactly am I good at and how did I get that way? The fact is, I’m not good at anything.

I entered into the scene knowing next to nothing about doing any of this stuff. I had never even heard the term “scene” or the notion of a “safeword”. I was a complete neophyte when it came to spanking and everything I eventually learned came from, basically, trial and error and sheer dumb luck. I fly by the seat of my pants even now, sort of figuring things out as I go along.

I am so bothered by being considered some sort of “expert” at what I do that I just want to hang a sign around my neck that says “Phony”. Every single action, every single word out of my mouth during play is right off the top of my head. There’s no system, no method, no nothing – just me doing what I think I should be doing even while I hope that others don’t figure that out. Imagine it as a constant state of fear that at any given moment, Toto will pull back the curtain to reveal a humbug of a man.

I’m sorry if this sounds like a pity party but it is my blog and this is what’s in my head right now. I’m not fishing for compliments so that’s not what this is about either. Just my thoughts at the moment.

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14 Responses to “A Sham Artist and a Charlatan”

  1. Rad, You are not a phony, you are a natural. A true top, a dominant. You don’t need to create scenes in advance because you are just being yourself, it all comes naturally to you, like you said right off the top of yor head. This is what all the wannabees’ are after, that ease of play that you have, lets face it how could anyone script a scene and then have that real feel to it. I’m not complimenting you here, just trying to point out my perception of this rant. “I always wanted to be a shrink” and sometimes get accused of same. Its just something I love to do. Analize people, maybe I should practice spelling instead, but hey Einstein couldn’t spell and look at him. Anyway, this is just my take on things right now Keep on writing, I so enjoy your thoughts.

  2. You are, too, good at things. Lots of things. You always get me going…

  3. Funny thing is Rad I totally identify with this article – not as far as play goes – but in another area of my life. No matter how well I did I always felt like I was a phony. In fact, I used those exacts words. Everytime someone said “You’re great”, I would think to myself, “Wow…fooled them again.” Someone once told me that a true artist feels this way. Now of course that person could have just been blowing smoke up my ass, who knows? In the end it didn’t matter. I continued to do what I do feeling like a total fake, and supposedly did it well (according to others that is).

  4. I am uncomfortable with compliments and labels too, Rad. I dont think what we do IS an ‘act’. I think you are a very VERY ‘true’ person..and although you said you don’t want or need, or are fishing for compliments ..I have been playing for the last 16 years, and you are one of THE best ..if not the best. I mean it. You don’t need to act. You just ARE. And thats plenty good enough for me ..and for all your friends, and anyone who admires you. I am a tough case..and you took me on. If that’s not a brave, TRUE dom, I don’t know what is.

  5. How about this? You’d be a an expert if you were making a lot of $$. Instead, you’re a commentator and experienced participant.

  6. I have found when people really enjoy doing something they are good or great at it and it come easily. We are taught to be good at something you have to work hard at it. I do not think that is the case to really be great at something you have to love it and want to do it. In your case Rad you truly enjoy what you do so you take a great deal of pleasure in it. The pleasure is transferred to the person you are playing with and it come easily.
    I think to some degree we all feel that way when someone tells us we are great at something. Everyone has talents and many of them. So do what feels good and comes natural and when people tell you, “You’re great” give them the address where they can send the check. That is what I do. LOL
    Kiss kiss have a happy!!!
    PS Rad I hate to say this but you are great at spanking really you are. So get over yourself and keep doing it. LOL

  7. Yeah!! What she said!! LOL

  8. You have to be the real thing to be able to improvise. That is nothing to apologize for. It’s also not unusual for highly successful individuals in numerous fields to feel like a fraud inside.

  9. I totally get this particular blog, Rad. Truly – totally. We’ll talk sometime.

  10. Tony said it eloquently…you are a good improviser and a good dominant, Rad! It is natural to you, so you don’t need to “study” it…you are it. It is you. So just keep up being you 🙂

  11. Oh, pul-ease….

    This article made me smile. I wonder if maybe we all feel like that sometimes (I know I do). My husband constantly tells me how wonderful I am, how beautiful I am, how talented, etc., I’m sure you get the picture.

    Personally, I think that it’s wonderful that he feels that way, but I don’t take compliments well, and I spend a great deal of time feeling like a phony, which is odd because I also think of myself as a very sincere person.

    As others have said above, I believe that you are “a natural.” As such, I can see that there might not be a whole lot that you feel you can take credit for; on the other hand, it is not likely that so many vibrant, intelligent people have all been conned into believing that you are something other than yourself.
    🙂

  12. The kind words of all above are appreciated.

  13. j/Jasmine Says:

    So, is it ok to capitalize my name if I’m a sub? Can’t I be a magnificent sub? I really don’t know what I’m doing, whereas radagast gets it. It’s obvious from the few posts I’ve read. I think there’s something truly beautiful about both topping and subbing on-the-fly, in the moment, in free-fall. That heightened awareness and surrender to the dance is everything. So says I.

  14. Jasmine: I’m not exactly sure what I “get” but I’m not a big believer in unbendable rules. A system like that is too rigid for creative people, IMHO.

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