Some Things Just Don’t Concern Me

This is a more expanded answer to the quick blurb I put up on Fetlife regarding sex after a spanking and whether the desire for it is somehow considered “odd”.

Short version: I don’t care.

When I’m involved in the spanking scene, doing unto others as I would not have them do unto me, I have my own rules. I don’t have sex with people other than my wife – that’s just the way it is. If other people have sex outside their marriages it’s really no concern of mine. I’m not the marriage police to worry about what they are doing nor do I even really give a shit about the “sanctity” of marriage. I open the paper every day and read about the murder of people for two dollars – if human life has no apparent sanctity in this world, I don’t exactly know how marriage is above that.

The fact is that some people see spanking as foreplay. They get so turned on by the act of spanking that they must release that with some good old fashioned hopefully safe sex. Good for them if they can find a partner willing to do that. That’s the key, of course, finding a partner who sees things the same way. And yes, when it gets to that level of intimacy you don’t just have to jump the hurdles of attraction for the spanking side but also the hurdles regarding physical attraction as well. In a lot of ways, it’s a tall order because although someone might be attracted enough to be involved in a spanking session, they might equally be not attracted to the other for anything more than that.

What’s funny is the reaction of some people towards this attitude as if the concept was somehow something that polite people don’t talk about. Everyone talks about communication in the scene – “communicate, communicate, communicate”. It’s all you hear. I agree that it’s important but the same folks then add filters about what one is allowed to communicate about. If Person A wants spanking a certain way and communicates that, it’s fine and dandy. Person A will get responses and negotiate with a bunch of potential play parters. If Person B wants spanking and sex, then for some reason the sex part of the “communication” becomes a stigma in and of itself. It’s as if the mere mention of it is a taint.

Did you hear? Person B wants to talk about sex.

Oh, my word! Let me dab at my lips with a lace hanky while the house boy fans me.

I mean, come on. Is it that big a deal? If a person doesn’t want sex then just say, “I don’t want sex”. The only stigma should come if the person asking doesn’t accept the answer and starts jawing about it – then that person moves into the category of “jerk”. So here’s my rule: Communicate whatever you want and accept the answer when you get it. The End.

As far as other people’s sexual habits go, I’ll quote Socrates and say, “They can all go fuck themselves”.


10 Responses to “Some Things Just Don’t Concern Me”

  1. Heh. You know, it’s a good point. It’s all too easy to point a finger and go “ew, creepy” if someone brings up something (like sex after a spanking, or whatever) that I don’t want to do. If someone even asked, it would make me an awful lot less likely to want to play with them at all and maybe that’s not fair. I had some situations early in my playing career where I was meeting up with people one-on-one that were awkward. The first time, we hadn’t talked about anything “more” than spanking, and when the guy tried to initiate “more” it totally killed my buzz and grossed me out. I have to say he was fairly gentlemanly, if a bit pouty, when I said my hasty goodbyes. After that I spelled out NO SEX SPANKING ONLY over and over and over, and there were still guys who seemed disappointed when it became apparent that I really meant it, and one guy who was really quite pissed off to discover that when I told him SPANKING ONLY it meant that I was not going to suck his dick to pay for the ineffable privilege of having been spanked by him. Fucker.

    Now that I’m in the scene with a partner, I don’t run into it any more. It’s a perk.

  2. we all have our own flavors…..but i will say – this is one reason I don’t participate in the public spanking “scene”. I have my own reasons for enjoying spanking….and I choose to enjoy those events in the privacy of someone’s bedroom. Communication is everything and I think any decent person would respect your committment to your marriage and take spanking for what it is – an act to enjoy all in itself.

  3. I totally agree Barbie,” Any decent person” Fact is not everyone is decent. Then it falls on the players, Between my husband and I we talk about who we will play with, actually, He decideds who I play with, or who plays with me, under his watchful eye.(he likes to watch) I really have no desire to play with anyone else, but if he puts it into our scene and I am not uncomfortable with the third person, what the heck, I’ll take one for the team. . Fact is sometimes we are so caught up in playing with each other that before we know it the night is over. But back on point, I am with you Rad, what happened to communicate, communicate, communicate? We all know that spanking and the whole scene are a huge turn on. I think sometimes Doms feel as though Hey, I heated you up, I’m hot, lets take it to the next level. Or the bottom could be out to take it further and want to take it further, but there again, where was the communication, I can’t stand it when either the top or bottom goes off crying that they were led on, or “how dare him” “how dare her” Come on we are all adults here, and we all know there are creeps out there, both male and female. communicate people, especially in the scene.

  4. I don’t think there is something wrong with wanting/desiring sex after spanking. It IS a turn-on after all. Until last year, all of my spanking partners were vanillas that I was intimate with already, so sex has almost always followed spanking. One of the things that has been difficult for me at parties is seeing spanking as something more casual. It’s been hard for me to do something I have seen as very intimate with men who are little more than strangers. I don’t do casual sex, so I had never experienced casual spanking either before then.

    However, I do think there is something wrong with someone EXPECTING sex without it being discussed, or worse when it has been discussed and agreed that there would be no sex…… then getting angry when it doesn’t happen. Or trying to continue to twist the conversation/negotiations around to include sex. Or trying to convince the woman that she really DOES want sex after being spanked, she just doesn’t realize it. I think one reason people can be so quick to judge if mention of sex comes up is because many of the women in the scene have encountered many many many men who fall into this category. It probably becomes a bit of knee jerk reaction to label someone a creep if the subject comes up after a while.

    I’m sure some men have experienced the same kind of pressure, I just don’t know of any, so I stuck with the female perspective.

  5. That’s a good question. Are there guys out there who are being pressured to have sex when they don’t want it? Are there any men who wouldn’t say, “All right!”, if a woman wanted sex?

  6. What munchkin said really resonated with me. A woman gets really tired of the pressure all the time, not to mention fighting with guys who label her as having sexual hang-ups. Maybe she just doesn’t find you attractive in that way! Or maybe she likes to wait a little while. Spanking IS like foreplay. But, like other activities that can be foreplay, it doesn’t always lead to sex. On the other hand (and I’ve told certain pushy guys this in IMs) if you really click with someone, you’re going to eventually get intimate. Relax, already.

    No, I’m not going to reject someone out and out because he mentioned sex. BUT if a woman’s profile specifically states she’s not looking for sex, and a guy starts the sexual pressure, it leaves a woman a bit downhearted.

  7. Hi Rad and sandy. I’ve been reading both your blogs for months and have never posted before, until now. Believe it or not, there are still a few honest men out here, I being one. I am married to an ultra vanilla wife when it comes to spanking, but turning 50, I realise I can not stand to live my life without spanking in it. I have had 4 “affairs” with women I found on the net, and every one of them offered sex at some point. OK, one did look like Shrek, but I’m far from Tom Cruise myself. One affair lasted more than 4 years with us seeing each other 3 or 4 times a week. It was hot and heavy, and she always wanted to go that extra step. Maybe it was just so I would spank her harder, but I would never consent to fucking. It’s the reason we don’t see each other anymore. One of the reasons I always dreaded being my wife could always find someone to fuck just to get even. That would not make me feel very happy at all. On the other hand, how would I feel if she had someone spanking her behind my back? If she had bled her heart out on many occasions throughout the 27 years we are married, and tried to expalin how it’s a part of her and can’t change that, and I just let it go in one ear and out the other, maybe that’s what I deserve. But I also feel spanking is very different to sex, at least to me. Sorry if I’m rambling on…..

  8. John: I think there are many paths that one can travel especially when exploring kinky desires. You’re obviously committed enough in your marriage to not have sex outside of it yet you still pursue spanking. I was in a vanilla relationship for years but never explored spanking outside of it because it felt like “cheating”. Perhaps with what I know now I would not be so hesitant if I had to do it all over again.

  9. I have a pet peeve with men who act…., I don’t know … shocked/angry or something if they ” notice” I am aroused ..rather than either ignoring it or ” celebrating” it. I am not the type to ever apologize for getting aroused . I dont really want fondling unless I am in a kind of erotic relationship with the man ….and if he does..I want it to turn him on. I dont want him to mock me for it. Yes..I get very juicy..often even if I dont LIKE the spanker. As I always say: ” what can I say?”

  10. This is always a tricky part of spanking to negotiate. I am married and expect only to have sex with my wife. However, spanking is, at least for me, a decidedly erotic experience as well. When spanking some women, my hand has traveled down and between their legs where I find them to be quite wet in some cases. This is as far as I ever go, and often times I think I have gone too far with that. I usually point out the moistness to the woman and scold some for her “enjoyment” of her position OTK being spanked. It is all part of the fun of spanking, and when I feel I have gone too far, it needs to be discussed after the scene and renegotiated if necessary. I guess I think that acknowledging her arousal is no different than her turning around to me and asking if I’m not enjoying her distress a little to much either.

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