But Seriously…

I’ve been hanging out over on Fetlife a lot more over the last week getting involved with discussions and trying to connect with people in the scene. I also read a lot of what other people write, not just those into spanking but those people involved in other kinks. I’m starting to come to the conclusion that I’m not so serious about what I’m doing.

When I read certain posts about different aspects of BDSM, I detect a certain intensity and seriousness about what it is they are doing and feeling. There seem to be entire deeply held philosophies that the different practitioners profess – not really an orthodoxy but each person’s own version of what it is that makes them what they are. I’m usually fascinated by the Master/slave people and their talk of “training their girls” and the different rituals and things that they do. I’m also intrigued by the “slaves” and how intense their feelings are about what it is they are doing. Very, very interesting stuff.

But it does make me think about where I am and what I do in my little corner of the kinky world. I don’t think I’m as serious about it all the way some folks are. Even the “Daddy” folks seem to have an intensity that I don’t feel that I have. This is not a criticism of them, it’s a feeling in me that I’m lacking something that they have – a system of belief about my kink that transcends the merely fun aspects of it.

And let’s face it, for me it’s about having fun. Certainly when I’m spanking someone, I’m serious about it at the time I’m doing it . Even though I enjoy it, I’m concentrating on the task and concentrating on the emotions I’m feeling. I don’t look at being a Daddy or Dom or Top or anything as a career that I’m embarked on, I look at it as a some time recreation that’s intense when it’s happening but something I set aside when I’m going about the rest of my life.

I think this is part of the reason I don’t act all Toppy when I’m just hanging out with people in person or in chat. For me, those times are not play times so I don’t bring out the persona I have when I’m engaged in the act. There’s a specialness about playing that I suppose I’d rather not make a perpetual part of my every day life. I don’t think I can sustain the Top persona of play outside of the designated time when it manifests itself. I prefer just being me the rest of the time.

I do admit that I have a certain admiration and envy for those who can do it.

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13 Responses to “But Seriously…”

  1. I recognize that there are those for whom the ceremony and seriousness is a core part of celebrating their kink, their relationships, even their humanity, and there is a certain beauty in that. On the other hand, my personal preference is to play with those who don’t take themselves so seriously all the time. I have the same preference in vanilla life– if a person can laugh at him or herself, that can make up for a whole host of faults.

  2. Yeah – I couldn’t walk around in “play” persona all day long. Too much energy – but for the folks that do I’m guessing it doesn’t take as much energy since it’s more core to their basic personality – something they don’t have to “work” at as much.

  3. These BDSM people are into SERIOUS pain and humiliation. Mentally, they may get strong feelings about power, but physically they do some very tough stuff.

    A lot of them are VERY good about talking about “trust”, blah blah blah.

    I may think that I’m kinky. But I think that they’re _______________ (fill in the blank with something appropriate)

  4. To all above:

    It’s not that I consider that level of intensity “odd” or negative in any way, it’s just that it is not something that I personally could do. Kinky comes in too many varieties to pigeonhole making it difficult to compare (although I try). Suffice it to say that I many not totally understand the kink of people who are as intense and precise as the ones referred to in my article, but it does fascinate me.

  5. Don’s consider it odd in ANY way? Would you like to rephrase that?

  6. The only Don I know is Vito Corleone.

  7. I think this is really about balance. I don’t spend every waking minute thinking about the scene and I think anyone that does is missing out on a lot of other important things. I also confine my dominance to giving spankings and whatever topping has been agreed to in advance, prior to a scene. In real life, I’m a supporter of the feminist cause.
    I’ve known couples that claim to have a 24/7 master/slave relationship. One of those doms used to go outside and sneak cigarettes because he was afraid that if his slave found out he was still smoking, she’d yell at him, which I thought was hysterical.

  8. Tony: Perhaps the reality of it is closer to my experience than I think – it just come across a lot more intense than anything I could sustain.

  9. Interesting thoughts, Tony & Rad. Sometimes I wonder the same thing – especially when I log into a chat or BB somewhere after a long work day, and I see other women doing the brat or super-submissive thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and I did it myself when I first came on the scene. But I have to wonder: who the heck has the energy to sustain that 24/7? I guess if it’s a major part of your personality, it’s easier…but I’m like you in that it’s something that is a part of who I am, but not all of me. It takes some effort to switch gears in my world. I occasionally wonder if I’m missing something by not fluidly going from one role to the next. It takes me a while to get my scene personality rolling sometimes.

    I am curious about something. Do you guys who are Tops in the scene think that maybe you have it a bit easier in terms of going from your “regular” life to your scene life? I’m just wondering because who I am during the day is so completely opposite of who I am when I’m playing. Going from being in charge of my world to being over someone’s knee is a huge transition (which I love, of course!) I just am wondering if guys have it a bit easier, because they don’t seem to have to make as much of an emotional shift. Although, l guess that a dom mindset is probably just as different, and I don’t mean to minimize that, especially, as Tony points out, for supporters of the feminist cause. I just think that sometimes we have to fight a little harder, be a little tougher, etc., to make it professionally in what is often still a man’s world. And making that transition to naughty schoolgirl later on that evening…well, sometimes that’s a mind fuck.

    I’m rambling. I’ll blame it on the three sips of wine i just had on an empty stomach…lol.

  10. rubysue: I can be Toppy at work and I often am, it’s just a different kind of Toppy. That’s the transition that takes some effort on my part – to become the Top for play as opposed to the prick at work.

  11. I was so ready to write about balance as soon as I read Rad’s entry, but Tony beat me to it. I think what you have is balance, and that is what I like most about the people I enjoy who happen to be part of the spanking scene. I like real people, with real lives and real thoughts and feelings, who just happen to also be into spanking.

    I do have to admit that I also like the energy shift of a very real person shifting into toppy mode. It is the balance that makes it all the more enticing to me.

  12. 24/7 stuff. How much 24/7 stuff do people really have when they spend so much of it on line?

    I love the release that this spanking stuff provides. I love the transition. I love whispering to Joel that I need/want a hard spanking. I love seeing how he reacts. Sometimes our play is intense. Sometimes more playful.

    It kind of imitates life. And yes, balance is in there as well, thank you Mr. Elka.

    I don’t aspire to the 24/7 folks. God Bless ’em, but it wears me out just thinking about it.

  13. I think you are a very thoughtful, insightful and balanced person, Rad. And, frankly..it’s refreshing to me that you can BE this normal, wholesome guy AND be able to seamlessly shift into Toppy “mode”. That transition is much more invigorating than those who claim to live it 24/7. I tend to doubt that, but..who am I to judge. I don’t have the luxury of being ” a sub” all the time b/c Iam running my own life and stuff has to get DONE. BUT..thats WHY being put over someone’s knee for a good time-out from reality is relaxing and renewing for me. God..I sound like I am selling bath salts! Ha ha. Tony, if you arereading this, I just rejoined SL today!
    Rad…don’t think for a moment I didn’t take you seriously before though ..with what we talked about. I am never glib or blase about a real spankingfor a REAL ( serious) infraction! I will be on pins and needles till we meet. Be well. Lisa

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