The Spanking Scene Is Not Like Dating

I didn’t set out to write a multi-article series on meeting people in the scene. However, since questions keep popping up in comments sections which prompt my responses, I’ll take this line of thought as far as I can. Yesterday someone asked whether I was going to post any DOs rather than just DON’Ts. Consider this article a step in that direction.

A couple of days ago, ThisGuy45 compared the spanking scene to dating as a response to my article about having fun in the scene rather than putting pressure on yourself that every encounter has to be with the potential “One” in our lives. That prompted my article from yesterday about some basic “don’ts” that could apply to social situations in general as well as the spanking world. Today I’d like to ruminate a bit on the whole dating versus spanking scene thing.

Meeting people can be difficult to begin with. Any of you who have gone to Singles gatherings know that it can be a very stressful occasion – like a hyper high school on steroids. Trust me, I did all of that stuff back when I was single with varying degrees of success. In the dating world, there are just so many factors that need to click for two people to even consider going out for the first time. All people are not equally choosy or critical or have the same self-esteem issues – these things and their different combinations make the dating world a very complex thing at times.

The reason I said that we as participants or prospective participants in the spanking scene need to lighten up was that in my view, the spanking scene and the potential for play do not rise to the same level as looking for romance from the get go. In many ways, the spanking scene has much in common with the swinger community than it does with traditional dating. The scene has rules of conduct and etiquette but most importantly, the participants who go to public events or private parties understand that playing does not equate “possession” or a connection beyond the casual – unless the two people want it. If I sit down to play cards with someone and the card playing is spectacular, that doesn’t mean I have any expectation that this person will only play cards with me and be ready to play when I want. Although spanking is a touch more intimate and emotionally charged than playing cards, it is still embued with a casualness that is a far cry from a romantic relationship.

That’s not to say that intense relationships don’t happen. A person is relinquishing control to someone else for a certain amount of time – if it’s a good experience then some sort of bond is probably created. Basically, one person trusted another person and didn’t get screwed over; that’s the recipe for friendship. I’ve developed very good friendships with most of the people I’ve played with. I like them and hope they like me, too. I enjoy playing with them and look forward to playing again at some point. However, in no way do I imagine that my experience with them is unique. They play with others and enjoy those experiences as well. I have no presumption of exceptionalism nor expectation of any fidelity that is either not possible or not agreed upon.

I think one of the issues people bring into the scene that hinders them is that their experiences stem from the dating world with all the baggage that arrives with that. A lot of the possessiveness and jealousy come out of the fact that the folks feeling these emotions are playing the game with a different set of rules and really need to understand the way things work in the scene and why those things are different.


7 Responses to “The Spanking Scene Is Not Like Dating”

  1. Unbelievable shit – but i like it 😀

  2. one more… is there a possiblility to date ?

  3. Jenny: Of course there is – there are possibilities to date because of most things where people interact. What I was trying to convey was that the rules for the dating world are not exactly the same as those in the spanking community. Yes, etiquette is important no matter where you go but where people go to speed-dating or singles events hoping to make a connection of a certain kind, the connections people make when out at public events don’t have the same gravity. I’d even state it more categorically about the spanking community that if you come to every play session thinking “This might be The One”, you’ll be disappointed.

  4. At a larger party like Shadow Lane or Florida Moonshine, where people come from all over the place to gather, I believe there IS a good potential to meet a romantic partner, just because of the diversity. At local events, not so much, perhaps, although I did meet my first two scene boyfriends at Paddles.

    Paddles is different because you don’t have to be a member — you just show up and pay — so there’s always the possibility your dream guy or girl will suddenly come walking through the door. In New York we get a lot of tourists from all over popping in. I know this is getting off the subject matter a bit.

    But here’s something to think about, and I know it’s painful. if you are having difficulty meeting people in vanilla dating situations, if you are very quiet and shy, very self-conscious, or have some sort of “issues” (that could be anything — serious physical limitations or mental health concerns) coming into a spanking or BDSM community isn’t going to make things any easier. I suspect that some men think their chances of getting laid will increase because the women in the scene are “easy.” Some are, some aren’t. I myself was overjoyed to find that guys wanted to play with me for the sake of play itself, and didn’t expect me to have sex with them. Yes, this is a “sexual” activity, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to have sex with every guy who spanks me.

  5. One way that spanking is like dating, If you good or bad the ladies will talk about it. So, be prepared you may already have a label on you style, and attitude.

  6. Joe: People have labels attached to them no matter what walk of life they are in. If a person walks around with a “get out of my way” attitude in life, he’ll probably be labeled a bully – and so on through the many different personalities of humankind. In all the time I’ve been in the scene, I have yet to meet someone who had some label attached to them that didn’t exhibit a behavior warranting the label.

  7. 3102761513his is Michael looking fore a pretty lady to spank me around 30 to 49

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