Going Solo?

I make it a point not to go out by myself. In all my time in the scene, I’ve played with one person at their home on my own and that was a person that Sandy and I were friends with. There’s more than one reason for this.

Maybe it’s just a personal thing but I don’t feel right about going out by myself now that I’m married. That’s the main reason and it’s one that is self-imposed, in other words, it is not a rule that I make for anyone other than me. It’s not something I’ve articulated to Sandy before today but there’s a feeling I have that I’m doing something “wrong” whether I am or not. Sandy asked me if I felt the same if she were to go out and play on her own. That’s a good question because she has done that and I’ve not really felt jealous about it in recent times. Maybe I would feel that way if it was the club she was going to and that’s what I’m mostly talking about, going to the club without Sandy.

The second reason is that I still have some discomfort in social situations even after all this time. Sandy is my partner in crime and I feel most at ease, especially at the club or a party, if she’s around. Maybe this discomfort is just a case of butterflies and would disappear if I did go out but right now the idea makes me uneasy.

The last reason is very selfish and something that I don’t really talk about much: I’m very conscious of the image I put out when I’m in the scene. I go out of my way to be nice and polite and all those things that are the better parts of my nature but still stay true to myself. It’s just about putting the best foot forward when you’re among other people. One of my worst fears is to be seen in a negative light especially when I’m not doing anything I shouldn’t be doing. I mentioned this to Sandy but I have a fear of being seen as sleazy or cheap and I have a belief in my head that if I were to go out by myself, especially to Paddles, there would be a couple of people who would have that question in their heads. Now, perhaps I shouldn’t care what one person thinks but I’ve always believed that once one person thinks something it won’t be long before they share that with two people and so on and so forth.

Perhaps all these things that I believe stem from my own neurotic sense of paranoia but there you have it.


8 Responses to “Going Solo?”

  1. We’re not too worried about what others think. Fact is, the majority of people outside the spanking scene surely think we’re totally pervs… shrug… so what can you do. That said, we don’t go out solo. Just not something either one of us is comfortable with.

    Don’t need to be ~right there~… and once we’ve really gotten to know someone that’s even more true. But, this is also a social thing for us and we like doing it as a couple. Makes clear to others where we’re coming from too.


  2. Rad, I don’t think theres anything wrong with the way you feel, after all it’s how you feel its emotional, you can’t help how you feel, nor should you fight the feeling. We also go as a couple to scene events, it’s what we do together, it’s our thing. I feel bad for people who are married or are in relationships where their partner is not involved in the scene and they need to go alone just to satisfy thier need. We are so blessed to have partners who are like minded. Since J and I found the scene we have not been happier, and never looked back. Hope to see you guys at the club this weekend. J and L

  3. Rad: Don’t let others set your boundaries. What works for you and Sandy is all that is important. k and I have our own boundaries. Some find them strange, some understand. She’s ok with me playing with ladies alone, if she knows who it is and knows in advance. She’s not ok playing by herself. It makes her uncomfortable. So, I’m always there when she plays. Works for us. If the spanker can’t accept that, no play. We’re comfortablewith it. As for going to a club or party alone, its not for us. But, if it works for someone else, its not up to me to judge them.

  4. M: I just do what’s within my comfort zone. I’m sure it’s possible for that zone to shift over time but right now it’s what it is.

  5. If people think badly of me for going without my husband or for spending a lot of time with someone who is not my husband at these events…..so be it. I don’t mean that in an “in your face” kind of way, it’s just reality. The important thing is that my husband knows who I’m with and what I’m doing…..and that we have worked out certain things between us and that the situation works for us. I know a lot of people wouldn’t understand our arrangement, and that without me explaining it, wouldn’t understand that we HAVE that arrangement. So I just figure I can’t worry about what they think.

    I’m very glad my husband went with me to my first spanking event, I needed the support. But I’ve found beyond that, I feel more comfortable when he doesn’t go. But my husband is vanilla so it’s a bit different than your situation. I feel more self-conscious when he’s there, I find myself noticing the things I think would seem silly or stupid to a vanilla and end up focusing on that and what he might be thinking. Then worry half the time that he’s uncomfortable being there etc etc. until I end up not having fun because I’m focused on that kind of thing.

    Another issue is independence. I like having something that I can go out and do all by myself. Most of our relationship (about 9 years) he’s gone out and partied and traveled etc. while I stayed home. I’ve always been shy and a bit timid, so I’ve tried to push myself to go out and be more open and independent. Apparently spanking events are my way of doing that.

    Anyway, I guess the important thing is what works for you and your marriage and what you are comfortable with.

  6. munchkin: Very thoughtful reply. Thanks for sharing your story with all of us.

  7. We pretty much always go to events together though I’d be fine if he went by himself. I’m edgier about playing alone with other people, not because I don’t trust him or myself, but just because it makes me uncomfortable I can’t say why. But these are boundaries we are pushing.

    When I finally agreed he could do a serious scene with another girl, I wanted to be out of the house, with nothing to do with it. That didn’t happen, I got drawn into the scene against my will, and it made me very unhappy. It’s odd, because I know other people who would feel exactly the opposite…more secure if they could be around, be a part of it. My new rule, from now on, is that when they do their big emotional serious things together, I’m somewhere else, period. I don’t want to know the details, and I don’t want to be around.

    Another interesting thing that it brought up for me is that while I have always said I had no interest playing outside of a party situation, it’s occurred to me that I might actually like to go take a serious thrashing off of someone else without F. around. Not to be tit-for-tat, you-did-it-so-I-can, but just because I’m starting to feel that sometimes the STUFF that comes with playing with your partner, so much history and intimacy and knowledge and all the things that usually make playing together so much richer, might actually get in the way of a good hard stand-alone beating.

    There’s so much to learn.

  8. clarification:

    when I said “I had no interest playing outside of a party situation” I meant “I had no interest playing **with others** outside of a party situation”

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