I Am Not A Scene Cop

Do I have an obligation to my fellow spankos to “warn” them about certain people?

Be in the scene long enough and you come across people that have a reputation as someone that people, especially newcomers, do not want to play with. It could be for a variety of reasons and we all know what they are without going through a laundry list. The fact is that at some point in their scene life, they behaved in a way that turned off X-number of people.

I have a rule and it simply boils down to this: I will let women talk to other women about what man is good or bad to play with. I do not get involved in conversations like that for the simple reason that, to me, it comes across as self-serving. “Don’t play with those guys over there”, I think, has a subtext which says “But I’m OK”. I don’t want to get into a position where I’m putting down some other guy just to make myself look better especially when it comes to playing. As far as I’m concerned, anyone can play with anyone they like and as long as it goes well, no problem.

There’s also the element of scapegoating or piling-on that I worry about. Yes, some people are weird or creepy and maybe twenty other things but that doesn’t mean they are not someone who plays well or knows what they are doing. You hear tons of rumors in the scene about this person or that – perhaps you even hear stories about what this one or that one did. The truth is that in many cases, I’m hearing the story third-hand and as time goes by, I start to doubt the facts of the original story because my own observations do not match. I might see a person acting oddly but if they are not doing anything dangerous, then they are not dangerous. Someone giving me the creeps is not enough of a reason to turn them into a pariah.

I’m not going to scapegoat or badmouth a particular person over an incident that I know little about or a behavior that I have not observed. If women want to give each other advice, that’s fine. I’m not involving myself in that any longer unless I know for a fact that something is true. I’m certainly not going to tell someone not to play with someone else based upon a rumor or “feeling”.


13 Responses to “I Am Not A Scene Cop”

  1. There was an incident at a spanking party I went to during this past summer. There was this guy who got himself labeled creepy by some of my friends. He actually ended up being a really nice guy and a true gentleman to play with. Ok, maybe he stared a little too much but lots of people are like that. We aren’t all professors of social graces. Maybe it doesn’t weird me out as much because I spent 4 years working with individuals diagnosed with some sort of MH issue. We definitely have to be careful about the rumors we spread and what we say about other people in the scene just because we’ve formed some sort of opinion of them. Unless they’ve done something truly dangerous and then maybe that’s another situation altogether.

  2. Mary: The problem is that unless there is corroboration by several people about a particular person (and that doesn’t mean just repeating the same rumor) or if I’ve seen a particular behavior myself, I can’t form any real judgment. A person acting weird does not automatically translate into dangerous behavior.

  3. MrCommenter Says:

    So I have read plenty of postings by bottoms who don’t want to directly say what they want, and would rather just have the top instinctively know what to do.

    This makes it difficult for a new top, who doesn’t want to appear as either too wimpy or too cruel.

    Is there a good way to reach an understanding of the acceptable range of action before the scene starts, so that worries don’t intrude?

  4. Mr. C: I always believe in knowing as much as I can before a scene starts even if that means I don’t look as “cool” as other Tops. I don’t have a lot of time to worry about my coolness factor and would rather ask a bottom what she wants for the simple purpose of knowing what facet of my Toppiness to bring to the scene.

  5. To your original question, Rad, I’d say no … you don’t have any obligation. I think the girls talk plenty to each other, and I might see that advice coming from another top to be a bit self-serving, as you say. Granted, there’s a top or two that I’d take their warning at face value and listen to them, but in general I’d be more inclined to seek out other bottoms’ opinions first. Even at that, I’ve played with a few folks that may not be liked by some bottoms, and had a nice experience.

    I’m usually very nervous about playing with anyone for the first time (and maybe the second), so I tend to do my play within earshot of others. If a top had a rep of any sort, I’d be cautious enough to make sure I didn’t find myself in a situation I’d have trouble getting out of.

    But yeah … I do listen to others.


  6. MrCommenter Says:

    Are the same bottoms who desire the top to know everything instinctively willing to describe what they want before the session?

    Is there a guide to how to conduct this discussion?

  7. Mr. C: A guide? I just ask and expect that the person I’m talking to is aware enough to give some semblance of an answer. If I talk to someone and they don’t respond or don’t like the fact that I’m asking then….[shrug]…I’ll gladly move on.

    The truth is, I’m not into guessing games or any stuff like that. I’m a very direct person and don’t have the time nor the patience for a lot of bullshit. If that rubs some folks the wrong way…[shrug].

  8. If you have first hand knowledge of someone not respecting a bottom’s wishes or being too rough…or whatever…..I think you do have an obligation to share. How would you feel if you had foreknowledge and you didn’t tell…and then that person had a horrible experience. I think you don’t say “don’t play with them….” but you do say “I have some information you might want to know….”. At least that would be my hope…..

  9. Barb: But there’s a big difference between me having firsthand knowledge of someone’s bad behavior and what I’m talking about. If I know someone was dangerous, yes, I would say something. But I’m not going to say to someone, “Some other people don’t like this person so you shouldn’t either” especially if I’m not sure the rumors are 100 percent founded.

  10. Absolutely Rad…..there is definitely a big difference. And second hand knowledge from another bottom doesn’t mean anything….because what they liked or didn’t like might not translate to what someone else likes. Tough deal.

  11. I’m with you Rad. Anything I say is second hand. It’s never happened, but if some guy was WAY over the top (totally ignored limits/safewords)… I’d point a newbie spankee over to the source. “Might want to have a chat with Suzy about him” kind of thing.

    Really though, if that ever were to come up… if a spanker was THAT bad… others would be speaking up before I needed to anyway.

  12. If I get asked about someone I just give them my opinion and that is all. It is up to them to decide what they are going to do. What I like someone else may not like. kiss kiss have a happy!!

  13. I agree with Red that bottoms talk plenty. I generally take recommendations, both positive and negative, more seriously from bottoms than from tops. Especially male tops tend to emphasize a top’s technical skill in their recommendations, while bottoms are more likely to notice how well s/he listens or gets in your head. I would strongly suggest that any bottom who is new to the scene or even to a certain group get recommendations of appropriate play partners from experienced group members who are also bottoms. While we may have the odd bitch-session amongst ourselves, we generally prefer to promote good tops over complaining about those with shortcomings.

    When it comes to negative recommendations, it depends on what the top has done. There’s a difference between tops with mildly poor social skills and those who ignore safewords. That is a serious enough offense to be grounds for immediate expulsion from most groups. I would be upset if a friend in the scene– top or bottom– didn’t warn me about someone who had shown that little regard for a bottom.

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