I like my spanking (whether in real life or on video) to be as “real” as possible (i.e. Disciplinary with the emotions that go with it). However, I don’t like it to devolve into nastiness.

This is something I’ve noticed more often with female Dommes than men – a sort of underlying meanness in their emotions about what they are doing. I’m certainly not saying all or even most Dommes are like this – they are not. But I do notice it nevertheless.

Before I entered the real life scene, my only outlet was videos and the Internet. I would watch whatever I could get my hands on whether M/F, F/F or F/M. As I became a “connoisseur”, I started noticing what I’ve mentioned, that a lot of Dommes exhibited more of a sadistic glee in what they were doing, especially towards men. Now that I’ve been a participant in the spanking and the larger BDSM communities, I’ve witnessed play sessions (even spanking ones) that have contained the same sort of nasty emotions.

I can think of one video producer in particular (no names but they’ve been around for a long time) that puts out F/M videos where the women are mostly sadistic and mocking towards the males or females – not a lot of loving or nurturing discipline there. Most Dommes in real life also seem to be of the sadistic variety even when spanking although I do have to say that I’ve also noticed that there are more and more of the “nurturing” matronly kind as time goes on.

Is it that a lot of the women that get into being Dommes have a mean streak as a way of working out certain emotions they have or is it that the (mostly) men who are on the receiving end desire that level of treatment? I do know that the very few times I’ve been on the other end of the equation, I’ve only ever desired the nurturing disciplinary type of thing and never the “crush your balls” sort of attitude I see more frequently.

Perhaps it just boils down to personal taste but as a spanker who’s into discipline rather than sadism – I notice it.


7 Responses to “Meanness”

  1. carolinegrey Says:

    I think it’s as much convention as anything else. There’s this prototype of the “Bitch Domme” that seems to date back from the very beginning of the scene. I could get into a lot of political/gender speculation about perceptions of powerful women, blah blah blah, but I think only I’d find that interesting and it’s not even a particularly original thought.

    I’ve seen the same cruel/demeaning style in Doms as well, and while I know girls who more than get off on it, it just doesn’t work for me. Even if I’m playing with someone who has a much more sadistic style (and I like that sometimes), I need that hint of tenderness of manner while they torture me. It’s the difference between “I’m going to hurt you very badly now, cause I like you” and “I’m going to hurt you very badly now because you’re a worthless piece of shit.” It can be the same act in both cases but only one will ring my bell.

  2. I like how you put that, Carolyn: “I’m going to hurt you very badly now, because I like you.” In fact, as a “nurturing” domme, I should use that line…

  3. I suspect Caroline’s right about the roots of the Bitch Domme lying in perceptions of powerful women. I’m with all of you– male or female, I’m not into playing with someone who is demeaning. Cheerfully sadistic, sure, but not demeaning.

  4. The Cheerful Sadist. Sounds like a great book title.

  5. MrCommenter Says:

    Many years ago, I met a 23 year old ex-marine who had enlisted at 17. I asked him about basic training, of course, and he told me stories of how his drill Sergeant had always been hitting him. When I asked why, he said “that’s because he liked me.” The Sarge was trying to make a tougher Marine.

    There’s that hint of tenderness.

  6. My father once told me that when he joined the Army, the Sergeant was all nice on the very first day when they arrived – over the top nice. At four am, he came into the barracks banging garbage can lids together screaming for everyone to get up and get dressed because they were going out on a march. He said he was never anything but a light sleeper after that.

  7. enflamed1 Says:

    I agree with what you are saying…

    I get the impression that most sub men prefer that kind of treatment…As a sub I have experienced being spanked by a woman…She was more harsh…

    When I am spanked by my Dom or another man…there is nearly always that caring & respectful feeling…

    enflamed1 x

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