The Third Wheel

Picture if you will, a couple. They are in the scene, happy and healthy. Then let’s add a third component into the mix in the form of a Dom/Domme.

One thing I have been uncomfortable with is the idea of Domming someone else’s partner or having someone else Dom mine. In the first case, I feel like a total intruder into other people’s lives no matter the fact that a strictly defined “contract” is in place that hopefully covers many if not all contingencies. In the latter case, I bristle because I see someone else intruding into my life.

I understand that not every person can be all things to all people in the scene. Some are better disciplinarians, others are better Doms, others are better bondage artists, etcetera. If one desires something that a partner cannot provide, then it stands to reason that it would be sought outside of the relationship (again…strict boundaries). As long as the partners/lovers/married couple agreed that it makes sense, then I don’t see any reason not to continue.

The main issue, I think, has to do with emotions. We are engaged in an activity that often has the potential of igniting emotions that the participants would otherwise prefer to avoid outside of their own personal relationships. However, we all know it happens on occasion to varying degrees. I don’t know if it is a sign of insecurity or merely the insecurity that all humans have. Perhaps it’s a feeling of possessiveness when you perceive someone or something as “yours”. Whatever the case, it is the major hurdle, along with trust, to allowing a partner to explore things outside of a relationship.

The truth is that no partner of either gender wants their mate to develop extra layers of emotions with someone they play with or if they do, to keep them in check. Speaking as a Top, I would not want to get to a place where I feel someone outside of my relationship is putting me in a subordinate position to him with my partner – that would not work for me at all.

Travel addendum: We are off to Muir Woods today to see redwoods and then return the unneeded car back to the airport. Then we try to figure out public transportation.


8 Responses to “The Third Wheel”

  1. MY vision of a Top is what I’ll call One to Many, in which I’m the one. If I’m going to have more than one, I like to think of it as my right, and MY vision of my Bottoms is that they only have one top.

    Now, practically speaking, in order to be in my world at the same time as the world everyone else is in, this means a different type of what I assume you would call role-play – I don’t want to see any evidence of other tops.

    From what I have read here of your circles, I guess that there are enough people who want to share their bottom with another privileged Top. My thought is for you to create a new role for youself, as a special guest or other type of temporary visitor. (Ancient Greek kings had something called Xenia – Guest Friendship)

  2. Back in the Middle Ages, when a visitor came to a manor or castle, the wife and daughters of the Lord were expected to bath the visitor and help him/them dress for dinner. Standards of the times being what they were, sex would have been offered as well, most of the time from servant girls.

    Glad you’re having a good time, non-civilized wilds aside.

  3. I wish I were in the Muir Woods today. Enjoy!

  4. I think the idea of sharing can work, but the primary partner should always come first and if the Dom is “the other,” any rules put into place shouldn’t cause issues in the primary relationship. It’s probably impossible to avoid strong emotions when play gets more “serious.”

    Tony, Muir Woods were awesome!!!

  5. Above comment was from Sandy…

  6. The spam blocker mistakenly caught Brian’s post. Now fixed above.

  7. Very well put, Rad. So well put, in fact, that I have nothing to add on that subject.

    Muir Woods is way cool. For those of us from the East Coast, seeing honkin’ big conifers for the first time is pretty well amazing. dolly and I have each been there, although not together; she went while I was at a technical conference in SF one year, and I went the next year while she was back home as the school year was still in session.

    Did you find yourself looking around for Ewoks?

  8. Jon: No Ewoks but plenty of German tourists.

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