Us And Them

This is not about divisions within the scene but about our place in the larger world.

I’m kinky. That’s quite obvious from the way I think and what I do. I’m also a member of the real-life vanilla world. I work, live, go shopping and get my car washed in that world. Although I often say that it doesn’t bother me whether people find out about my kinkiness, I certainly don’t walk around with a sign around my neck announcing it. I am not that out in the world.

I sometimes feel that there are those within our kink that mistake the feeling of normality that we feel when among each other with a notion that the outside vanilla world sees us as normal or mainstream. I am afraid that they do not. Not all vanilla folks are as virulent about it – not all see us as “sick”. Some merely laugh because they think that what we’re doing is silly or ridiculous – perhaps it’s a way of addressing their discomfort in a benign way. I also think that just because a certain level of kinkiness has crept into popular culture, presumably by writers and producers who are themselves kinky, it doesn’t mean that the outside world is ready for our coming out party. The fact is, our kink is mostly played for laughs when seen on TV or the movies (Secretary notwithstanding). It is hardly ever portrayed as a normal part of sexuality but something that’s “other” or something to be mocked by the audience.

This is why it bothers me a bit to have folks in our scene that don’t know how to keep things on the Q.T. or strictly hush-hush. They want to scream the fact that we’re kinky to anyone who will listen. Is it that they get carried away with happy thoughts? Are they trying to recruit? Are they on a campaign to mainstream us? The fact is that if I’m associated with a group – a private group – I want it to remain private to protect myself from ridicule or the derision of the vanilla world. If someone walks around with a “Kiss Me I’m A Spanko” t-shirt and they walk into the same room as I do, then I’ve been outed against my will. I’m not ashamed of what I’m doing but it is something I consider somewhat private even if I’m open about it among those who share my kink.

Let’s face it, too many people are primed to pick yet one more group to ostracize or scapegoat. I go to parties, belong to organizations, go to clubs and have a blog with my picture on it. I’m already taking a big enough risk without someone walking around with a bullhorn telling everyone around that I’m a freak.


17 Responses to “Us And Them”

  1. Nicely said. It seems that some of this stuff happens around/during the time of a big party. Get a large enough group of spankos (or any kink based special interest group) together and a sense of empowerment (maybe it’s just normalcy) seems to come along. The stuff that we usually keep a bit private gets to come out and play. People get all excited and the endorphins start kicking in and bullhorns come out.

    It would seem that amongst the ‘nilla folks I know, that there would be some people who are into some sort of kink. I don’t know what the statistics are, but it stands to reason that in our staff of about 70 nurses, there are a couple of other people who are into something that isn’t main stream. I don’t know that I want to know that Sue is into breath play or Gloria dresses up as a smurf and howls at the moon.

    Outing one’s self is one thing. Outing others without thinking about it is kind of lame.

  2. Laura: Agreed all the way around. And “mean people suck”, too.

  3. I couldn’t agree more. There are a few of my vanilla friends that know about me and that I attend parties, however my best friend of 30 yrs, who knows I like to be spanked, but doesn’t get it, does not know I induldge in it, or that the parties I go to are spanking parties. The reason is that she has met several of my spanking friends and if I told her I would be “outing” them as well as myself.
    That is something I just won’t do.

  4. I’ve often wondered about the results of posting your picture. I guess that you have one layer of anonymity by using your “scene name” (I can imagine the odd looks that Opher Yunger of Miami, who owns, gets.)

    And more important, but unrelated, if you have never seen it, the best PURE SCI-FI episode of Doctor Who will be shown at 5:00 AM on Thursday Morning, 9-11 It is the Hugo Award winning episode, and stands alone from the rest of the series. Forget any prejudices against the series or past bad viewing experiences.

  5. If anyone sees this picture and asks me about it I’ll just say it isn’t me but an incredibly close twin.

    As for Doctor Who – I have not watched the new incarnation but was a fan of the Tom Baker/Peter Davison era.

  6. Rad…..I guess I don’t know what I do. I don’t discuss it generally…and i have a vanilla Myspace account with spanko friends on it. I guess the people that I care about the most (my sisters…my daughter) from the vanilla world know of my kink. While the couple of people I have talked to about it that were NOT into the kink….many of them don’t get it. “How can getting a spanking turn you on?” Erm….”How could it NOT?!” If you don’t have the kink…you are not going to get it.

  7. My main concern not only revolves around whether or not I want my private life (my kink) and my outside life to be affect each other. Personally, I like to keep them separate. The other concern (as recently seen on the Shadow Lane message board) is when drawing undue attention towards us makes it impossible to gather and do what we do because a hotel or other rental place might not want to deal with the rumors and chatter generated by indiscretion.

  8. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I would never out any of my spanko friends purposely. My main reasoning for that is a lot of my friends in the scene have children and loved ones that they would never want to find out about their kink, understandably.

    However, I have outed myself to my vanilla friends…actually here recently. Reason being, I got overly-confident and wanted them to know the full Kimmie…and not only part of me. I am now beginning to see that it may not have been the best idea in the world…as I am starting to notice some consequences. I guess I’m young and ignorant, but that’s how we learn.

  9. kimmie: Once upon a time I was a person who wanted to “share” their experiences with friends. That meant wanting to share my kinky experiences with my closest vanilla friends. After a couple of times being ridiculed by them, I changed my focus and decided the best course of action was to keep my business my own and to hell with vanillas. They don’t need to know what I’m up to in my private life and I really don’t care what they are up to in their’s. A nice balance.

  10. roissyfille Says:

    Hi there.
    I’m new here at 40 some years old and I found you thru Bonnie’s Blog.
    Thank you for your wise words.
    Your article really spoke to me. I used to feel that if anything personal was important to me then all I had to do was explain it & myself to anyone willing to hear and somehow they would understand.
    After a few too many times of getting burned I learned that I don’t need or even want to share everything about what matters to me. Like Kimmie said “They don’t need to know … and I don’t care about what they are up to in theirs.”
    I’m happier this way & confident to explore and be honest with myself & my Husband – the sub I always knew I was was is happily playing & growing under my darling man’s firm hand.

  11. roissyfille: That’s exactly right. It’s often a nice idea to think that everyone should accept everyone for what they are no matter what. The reality of the world is often a rude awakening. Although I don’t think one should be ashamed of their kink, it’s much better discussed among those people who feel the same way – unless a person doesn’t care about the consequences of being outed in vanilla life.

  12. roissyfille Says:

    I’m actually more together, more proud of myself and a billion times happier than I ever was once I realised I didn’t owe the world in general an explanation for what I believe, feel, or turns me on.
    Thanks again

  13. Good post Rad! I was definitely one of those people who thought sharing everything about myself was very important. I shared my kink with my best friend it has altered our friendship unrepairably. It is very hard for me and we also work together. So live and learn I guess. But it is still painful to this day.

  14. bella: Sorry that happened. Like I’ve said before, there’s only one vanilla friend who knows and she doesn’t care (just doesn’t want to hear details) – the rest are on a need to know basis and they don’t need to know.

  15. Okay.. I’ve got to speak out here. I’ve been extremely busy lately so I didn’t get to post on the SL BB but I do have to say that some of the heat that one of the members is taking ,because she told someone what kind of party was going on, is just nuts in my opinion. Granted, your private lif is yours, I have no problem with that but what I do have a problem with is the fact she was jumped on for answering a question that someone asked. Nothing has ever been said about the people leaving the vendor fairs with all sorts of implements in their hands or hanging out their back pockets. Hellooo.. you don’t have to know rocket science to figure out what kind of party was going on. I find it odd that people think that because she told someone or if someone else tells someone of what goes on at the parties that we could lose our location. Do people really think that no body knows what’s happening as you walk down the halls? The hotel staff know. What the hotel locations really know is the fact that it brings in big money not only for the rooms but also for all other aspects of the location.

    I’ve come to the point in my life that I really don’t give a rat’s ass what others think of my kink. I accept myself as I am.

  16. Lynn: I purposely did not mention names because it could be anyone who does this and my reaction would be the same. Who the person is is immaterial to me. I would prefer to not be looked at as a freak in a side-show by the vanilla guests of the hotel. Whether they figure it out for themselves or not is beside the point, if someone came up to me and asked me if I knew what was going on I’d say “no, can’t help you”.

    I’m going to these parties to be free to do what I enjoy in an environment that is inviting and safe. Having people pointing and staring is not my idea of a relaxing time of it. My ire also goes towards those folks who feel the need to dress up all fetishy when they are walking through the vanilla areas of the casino or hotel. It may be Vegas but there don’t seem to be many other schoolgirls walking around who have been left back about 25 times.

    I’m not attacking any one person – actually, I’m not attacking at all. I’m merely pointing out that when a person makes the decision to tell vanillas, they are making the decision for me as well – the problem is that I have not consented to that.

  17. I understand your point, Rad. I do agree with you on some of your points. I really didn’t think you were attacking one person but I really just felt the need to speak out about it. I’m sorry if you felt I was attacking you in anyway, I wasn’t.

    Grins.. I did have to laugh at the school girl comment and being left behind 25 times… Thanks for another great laugh. I love your blog!

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