Negativity Must Die

The low self-esteem capital of the world?

It happens much too often. I play with someone and have a terrific time. Later on when I see this person again, they almost sound apologetic as if they find it hard to believe that I could have had a good time with them. Other times potential play partners give off signals that seem to say that they are providing me with an “out” in case I don`t really want to play. This has really got to stop.

I understand low self-esteem because I suffered from it for a long, long time. I didn’t ask women on dates because I couldn’t imagine they would want to date me. Even when I got into the scene, I found it difficult to understand why anyone would want to play with me so I would not ask. As time went on and I got more confident with myself and the fact that I could meet people with no problem, I found that these feelings of worthlessness fell away pretty quickly. I know now that they were manifestations of insecurity that had no actual basis in reality and I was letting them be the cause of my misery.

In a nutshell, I don’t do scene charity. When I play with someone, no matter who, it’s because I desire it and think it would probably be a lot of fun. That’s why it pains me to hear people who I enjoy being with act as if I’m playing with them out of some kind of pity or sympathy. It could not be farther from the truth and I really hope I articulate that to the other people in some way to let them know. Frankly, I’m much more thankful that they are playing with me than they could possible imagine.

When I’ve had a good scene with someone and enjoyed myself but hear that the other person doesn’t think I have, it hurts my feelings. It makes me think I haven’t done a good enough job. It also makes the Baby Jesus cry. And we wouldn’t want that now would we? So cut it out.


26 Responses to “Negativity Must Die”

  1. Wow, I wouldn’t want to make the Baby Jesus cry by not thinking that my partners enjoyed themselves! (Wish they’d taught me that in Sunday School). It is easier to tell with some scenes and partners than other, though. I’d guess that it would be harder to tell from role play scenes, in which both partners pretend not to enjoy themselves, so checking in afterwards makes sense.

  2. Indy: I suppose it makes sense to check in afterwards and that’s fine. There’s a difference between that and someone seemingly doubting the fact that you had a good time even though you say so.

  3. Who in their right mind would want to make the bay Jesus cry? I guarantee you will have a fun time when you play with me. How’s that for self-esteem?

  4. Barb: Bordering on arrogance…I like it.

  5. hahahahaha! I was hoping you would say that doll! Arrogance….it’s my new thing! lol

  6. Hi, I’ve just recently been reading your blog and am kind of new to the “scene” as far as going to parties and playing with new people, though I did make it to the FMS beach party this year πŸ™‚ Well, I’m at least comforted to know that I’m not the only one worried about not being a great play partner, lol. For some reason female “bottoms” do seem to have fairly low self-esteem. Not all of course, but seems like a lot of us do.

    I think part of my paranoia comes from seeing spanking videos and pictures. I guess the same way women feel insecure compared to models and actresses in magazines, tv, movies, etc…..we probably tend to compare ourselves to spanking models/actresses and feel we come up short. I see the videos and there’s this pretty girl with a great body, squealing and doing a lot of cute wiggling and kicking from the first smack, lots of cute banter between the spanker and spankee.

    So I pretty much assume that’s how a scene “should” go and that that is what spankers want and expect. And in comparison I’m more of a plain Jane little mouse who kind of…..lays there, lol. I’m fairly quiet during a spanking. I don’t usually move or make much noise unless it has really pushed me to the point of not being able to take it quietly anymore. I can’t really do all the wiggly, kicky stuff unless I’m just going to fake it. I also don’t think I can play as hard as I assume Tops want to. So while I haven’t really felt like someone was asking to play out of sympathy, I ultimately feel like I’m basically a boring play partner. So then I feel apologetic because I worry the spanker didn’t enjoy it, or get the feedback he was looking for. Not sure if all that makes sense or not, but that’s my personal take on it.


  7. munchkin: Thanks for your comment. First of all, it is folly for anyone to compare themselves to a spanking model or actress and think that is what the every day spanker expects. I think it’s rather foolish for a Top to watch a video like that and expect to have the same sort of experience in real life.

    Rather than think of yourself as inadequate, think of those videos as fantasy and nothing else. A Top who is passing up the chance to play with real people while waiting for the fantasy to come true is asking to be lonely.

    Thanks for reading. Keep reading. Keep commenting.

  8. I am always thinking that when I play with someone new. Yes, why yes I am a massive bag of insecurities sometimes, thank you. My thoughts are always “I’m sure this person can have a better time playing with someone else, anybody else than with me”. Except for Joel and a couple of other good friends.

    Yeah, not the most charming or attractive attitude to be sure. I’m sure the baby Jesus has gone through 5 or 6 crates of Kleenex on my behalf by now.

  9. Laura: I hate being my own worst enemy and having those thoughts made me into exactly that. If someone wants to play with me, I take that at face value. I’m not going to sit there kvetching about it. I’ve come to realize there isn’t enough time in this world to worry about that or rejection.

  10. Oh I know. I am getting to that point. (see semi snarky SL post made by me last night). Not so much snarky as truthful. There is something tho about how the world at large thinks of me vs how someone in the context of a spanking thinks of me. I dunno.

    I actually think I am a pretty good bottom. Joel is no lightweight sissy pattycake spanker. It’s translating that into confidence that I’m working on.

  11. Laura: One of my many definitions of “confidence” is coming to the realization that no matter how hard you try, some people just won’t like you. It’s actually quite liberating because you can feel free to write them off and concentrate on the ones who do like you.

  12. carolinegrey Says:

    I haven’t had much of a problem with this, personally, but I can see how it could be a big issue. I’m a bit old fashioned and pretty much always wait to be asked to play. Because of that, I figure the top wouldn’t have asked me if he didn’t want to play with me in the first place. It didn’t occur to me to wonder afterwards if he enjoyed it, so maybe I’m a bit cocky.

    I think it’s a related issue: I did have some headcake about safe-wording when I first started. If I had to safe-word I felt ashamed and apologetic and as if I’d really let the top down, or insulted his technique and competence, or made him feel bad about himself. This led to some unpleasant experiences of not safe-wording if I should have, or safe-wording and leaving the scene feeling awkward and embarrassed. I had to grow up about it a little, and in the few cases that I have “yellowed” since then, we were able to graciously continue and finish the scene comfortably.

    It took me a while to realize that I don’t “owe” a play-partner anything but a good attitude, courtesy, and clear communication. Those three things are in my control, and if I feel I’ve done my part with them, I don’t leave a scene worrying about anything else.

  13. From all your other writings maybe there IS a reason to be worried. After all, you’ve had articles on bottoms rating tops, tops discussing bottoms, people getting reputations, lack of proper communication about needs, mistakes that have been made, and so on.

    And judging from the small size of “the scene”, it seems to me that there IS a risk of being ostracized for one thing or another, and then having no place to go. So a person HAS to be very careful.

  14. TVisiting: I’m really talking about people having a self-defeating attitude when nothing is really wrong with their play other than their attitude about it.

    As for people being ostracized, I have no doubt that most of those cases are caused by the outcast themselves. A whole other discussion.

  15. If I might weigh in here with the self-confidence bit. My wife has many medical issues which we’ve both blogged about and starting a DD relationship after already being married for 19 years was an act of desperation. To say that Diane has low self-confidence is like saying salt water is well… salty. She’s had clinical depression her entire life and she believes that she’s not worthy of my love.

    A spankable offense to be sure. In fact, my first actions in the DD relationship was to create a character called Dr. Discipline who did therapy with a twist. The patient, in this case Brian’s wife had been referred to Dr. D who did traditional talk therapy with the twist being that Diane did the talking over my knee and bare bottomed. The first session we had I spanked her for 45 straight minutes while asking questions and listening to her teary responses. After four sessions we stopped the therapy because she was feeling better than any pill had ever made her feel.

    [Dr. D doesn’t make housecalls]

    As I’ve said before Diane doesn’t like being spanked, it does nothing for her, but that’s because all her illnesses and the medications she takes make her numb. Is the submission because of the medical issues or was she born a submissive? That is the question. As a Top who can switch I see both sides. Many submissives do feel inadequate towards strong and confident personalities. I spend more time building Diane up than any other single thing in our marriage. Her nature is to be negative and self-critical and no amount of spanking can ever completely erase that tendency.

    I’ve found in the spanking stories I write for friends that they want the female character to be someone they’re not; someone who enjoys spanking and sex without all the strings attached. That’s the fantasy about spanking, it’s something outside the norm and when you meet them later, they may very well be a bit negative. Perhaps instead of dwelling on the social negativity of after-play, it could be a teaching moment.

    Then again, what do I know, I’ve never been to a spanking party. πŸ™‚

  16. Rad…that is exactly my take on confidence as well. We are the same age….and at the point we are at…..we shouldn’t care whether the whole world likes/loves/wants us.

  17. Barb: It’s nice to be liked and all the rest but not worth it to dwell on the ones who don’t feel those things for you because they are a waste of energy.

  18. Hi Rad, When I first started going to parties I did play with someone so I would not hurt their feelings by saying no. I learned very quickly that was not fair to either of us.
    If someone asks me to play and I say yes or I ask someone and they say yes I just assume it si because they want to. I would say 99% of the time I have a great time and let that person know. I would hope if they didn;t they would let me know why so if we played again I would know what they like and try to make it more enjoyable for them.

    Kiss kiss have a happy!!

  19. Kathy: I play because I like to play and choose partners for different reasons. Some match my play style, others I just want to spank because I feel like it. But I try not to play with people just to do it. I am not a machine and they are not merely a target.

  20. Hi there, this is completely off-topic, but do you happen to be the Radagast who posts on SSS? If so, I’m very pleased to have found you; I’ve always enjoyed your posts.

    (If you’re not the same person, hey, I’m pleased to have found you anyway, ’cause your blog looks cool.)

  21. Haron: I was posting on SSS earlier this year but retreated after some of the unpleasantness I did not want to be involved in. I do most of my scene writing here now.

  22. Cool! Glad to have discovered your blog. *hits subscribe*

  23. I must admit that I have one of the most negative attitudes of any of the individuals that I know. I have had issues with this since before I can remember, according to others. I’ve been diagnosed with everything under the sun…bi-polar, GAD, panic attack disorder, major depressive disorder, and oddly enough a major fear of authority figures (explain THAT one to me!,) and the list goes on and on.

    Strangely though, I do have strong confidence in the fact that a DD relationship will fix these issues far better than all of the pills I’m on ever could. Problem being…the extreme lack of confidence prevents me from finding what I need. I have no problem seeking it…it’s the continuation that’s the issue. I fall out…disappear…for a long time…then bounce back…and continue the same thing over and over again. It’s a vicious cycle that I hope to defeat sooner than later. Reading blogs like yours, and hearing the same thing coming out of other individuals mouths…helps…but not nearly as much as it should. I’m a very slow learner when it comes to these things. I’ve found that in my own time, I will finally get all of these words through my thick skull. So, if I know what I want and I know what I need to help myself become who I desire to be…but I can’t stop self-defeating no matter how hard I try…how can I even manage to EVER find the answer? Baby steps, my approach is to take tiny little baby steps by reading blogs like yours, talking to like-minded people, and meeting online friends…and slowly but surely we can defeat the self-defeating mind.

  24. Kimmie: Everyone can get past their own insecurities if they want to and taking things step by step – even if little tiny steps – is one good way of not getting overwhelmed by the enormity of what you see as a problem.

  25. Huh–I am thinking this may be more of a female bottom problem? Or perhaps the female bottoms verbalize it more? I’ve only heard this once from a male bottom and he seemed more to be checking to make sure my assumptions about who he is weren’t way off than he was kvetching about himself.

    I was a bit surprised when a male top who was negotiating with me for play at SL stated in negotiation that he did not want to hear any self denigrating talk. I was not going to give him any in the first place–but now I can see why he makes that a negotiation point.

  26. Wednesday: I think it’s a waste of time for anyone to put themselves down either before, during or after a scene. Just do what you do, enjoy it and if it doesn’t work out, shrug and move on.

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