Processing My Experience

I had so many different kinds of scenes last week that it got me to thinking about what it is I’m getting out of them. What is it I’m feeling about what I’m doing?

As I said yesterday, I’m a Top and I know it. The thing that drives my personal kink is allowing my dominant personality to manifest itself when I’m playing with someone. The thing is that there is not one way I do this nor is there only one facet to my Toppiness.

Yes, discipline is the pinnacle for me. I like scenes like this and feeling as if I’m dishing it out. A most of the scenes I did last week were disciplinary in nature but not all of them were really discipline. Some were role play – actually a good many were. To me this is not “real” discipline but a play acted one. Although I can get into a character and dish it out as that person, there is always the reality in the back of my mind that it is not genuine. That knowledge does not affect my ability to do what I am doing nor does it affect my enjoyment of the scene, but it does not elicit the kind of “bump” my kink gets when I am disciplining someone.

Now, a couple of my scenes were “real” discipline for real reasons. The women I spanked were getting it for reason that exists in their real lives. The dynamic of this kind of scene really gets to the heart of what I am about as a Top. There is no pretext, no character, no acting on my part. When I am spanking someone for a real life reason, the spanking is genuine as is the scolding. I mean what I’m saying and what I’m doing 100% – no BS at all. I can’t say there are many scenes like this in my life outside of a handful of people (especially Sandy), but when it happens it is special.

It isn’t just the physical or emotional charge I get from being in control of someone; it goes much deeper than that. In a sense, I’m quite flattered that this person trusts me enough to have me be a small part of their life – especially their non-scene life. I’m not going to speculate on whether any of this discipline has a great effect to their daily lives but the fact that they are choosing to submit to me for a real reason, even in a small way, gets to the very heart of what I am all about as a Top.

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7 Responses to “Processing My Experience”

  1. Rad; Great point. I’ve never looked at it that way. To me, it depends on who I’m playing with. I’m a switch. When a certain beautiful female tops me, I get an amazing high. It feel so damn good. Just being with her is a beautiful feeling. But also in the back of my mind I know it will end soon and who knows when we’ll meet again and play. When your lovely wife tops me, It’s a whole different feeling. What comes to mind is I’m honored to have her think enough of me to ask me if I want to play. She can really do a great job on my back side. When I went to my first SL party back in ’05, She “broke me in” and gave me my first spanking. We never met before the party and we emailed a couple times. I trusted her. So there is another feeling I get.

    To recap.. There is a feeling of love, trust, liking the female. Being controlled for how ever long the scene lasts. And most of all being friends.

    It was great to see you guys again and I hope I can break away from up state NY to visit you guys and go to Paddles for OTK night.

  2. Maybe that’s my missing link. I always thought I just wanted sexual spankings…but maybe I need a hard discipline spanking to put me over the top for my perceived misdeeds. Hmmmmm

  3. Danny: I’m sure there are many different ways that people experience either Topping or bottoming and all of them are valid for the person feeling it. How I articulated it in my article is part of my experience.

    Barb: It’s a matter of finding what it is you’re looking for. It took me a while to come to terms with what I like but have to say that I’m happier having finally understanding it.

  4. Rad–now you have me thinking 😉

    Funny, I’ve done all sorts of crazy things and have not felt odd or “wrong” about them at all. But for some reason I get this tinge of guilt when I enjoy the hell out of a real discipline scene. As a result I’ve only had a couple, but they give me a high that nothing else can.

    I am pretty sure it is my psych background and how I’ve been acculturated at work. Ie: punishment is less effective than reward, use a strengths base goal planning technique rather than punishment to help people meet their goals, use Motivational Interviewing techniques, identify the barriers and develop coping skills, blah, blah, blah (now stop with the buzzwords already, Wednesday)….

    In short, be a lay counselor.

    Others in the scene feel the same way and I’ve gotten some memorable butt chewings when I even mentioned this dynamic. They lack the buzzwords, but they hammer me with basically the same reasons.

    Um, Wednesday–these kinky bottoms who are into punishment don’t want counseling, they want discipline. Pack up work and put it in the corner and go have fun. Yes, the other scenes are wonderful too, but like you, Rad, the discipline *really* turns my crank… And the One True Wayists can go pound sand and howl at the moon…

    Thanks for helping me to see the light, Rad, by sharing your personal experience. I now need to go out and find more of this.

  5. Wednesday: Glad I could help. I am constantly doing therapy on myself to stop the part of me that over-analyzes every emotion I have and simply allow myself to enjoy what I enjoy without the guilt.

  6. Rad…I keep learning more about myself by thinking and reflecting on what I like or don’t like…but real discipline is a key for me. There is something that helps me A LOT…to admit to someone I trust what I have done wrong and that I see that it actually hurts me…and my life. And for the other person to care enough to help me with that by disciplining me and helping me see even more ways that it is hurting me and how I can change.

    I find that when it is done with care and a lot of trust…it is the pinnacle of the scene for me.

  7. bella: The same for me from the other side of the equation. Can’t really explain it fully but it works for me.

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