Now I’m Sure

I confess: I’m a Top.

Here’s the real confession: I’ve dabbled with switching on occasion. The moments have been few and far between but I have done it. I don’t talk about it much (until now) and it certainly isn’t the focus of my scene experience but it’s also within the context of discipline except with me on the other end of it. Until now, it’s been entirely role play and I’ve figured out that if I’m going to do it in the future, it’s going to have to remain that way.

The fact is that I’m not submissive outside of playacting a character. My “toppiness” is so connected with my real life persona as to be an aspect of it – although an aspect that I can explore differently in the scene than I can outside of it. The few times I’ve switched, I’ve found that even if the character I’m playing is subordinate to someone else, the part that’s me is still “in charge” mentally (whether the other person thinks so or not). If things go off on a tangent that I have not pre-planned, the scene will be over in about one half of one second. However, if things are progressing within a certain framework, I can go along with what’s being done to me. If the question is, “Why do I do it if I don’t really feel it?”, my answer is that it is a diversion for me. A ham sandwich instead of a turkey sandwich every so often.

I suppose I should have realized all along that I was a Top for a reason. I’ve had a few people tell me that they can’t see me as someone who switches and I now can understand why. If not for the role play, I would not be able to do it at all naturally.

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7 Responses to “Now I’m Sure”

  1. I understand totally. My reasons for being a bottom are just the opposite. I am so “in charge” and have had to handle so much…I love the release of letting someone else be in charge. While my professional life is likely to take me to a top-scene…I am wondering how to get into the mindset to do that…..I don’t know if I have it in me. I totally get off on the release and the anticipation of the spanking that it puts me in a wonderful head space. What made you suddenly come to this realization?

  2. Barb: The fact is that I’m an experience whore – I like to see and do different things. I guess that’s why I’m a tech whore as well; whatever is new is what I like.

    Switching was a curiosity – to see what it feels like to give over control to someone else and have them do…whatever. After trying it a few times, I have realized that although the experience is an interesting recreation or vacation from my other side, it isn’t what I feel deep down. I can switch as part of a role play – if I’m playing the part of someone submissive – but I can’t bring myself to be submissive. It just is not me at all.

    I’m a dominant personality at heart.

  3. Thanks for this interesting post, Rad. We hear hints from time to time that more people switch than would admit it publicly. I have a hard time imagining not being curious enough about the other side to try it. I’ve only topped couple times, but I can already tell that I like different kinds of scenes from the other side of the implement.

    Do you have both submissive and dominant fantasies?

  4. Indy: I have certain submissive fantasies but they are often ones that are also sexual in nature. A lot of my writing is done from that perspective because it’s something I don’t really explore outside of fiction.

  5. carolinegrey Says:

    I find the exact same thing. Thanks for articulating that so well.

    If I do say so myself, I can do an excellent top impression, but it really does nothing for me on the inside. I’m the oldest daughter of a large family and naturally quite bossy (and also right about pretty much everything. Heh.) so it’s not that far a leap for me to get into a cracking toppy role, but it’s *always* just a role. I have no dominant fantasies at all, I don’t think, unless wishing someone else would get a good one counts as vicarious toppiness.

    Then again, except in rare cases, I guess I would say that my submissiveness is also largely role-playing…I don’t think I have the deeply submissive nature that I see in some other bottoms. Still and all, the bottom role is much more emotionally organic for me…every one of my fantasies in this realm have me on the bottom, and in play my bottomy reactions are natural and “real”. If I’m switching, everything I do or say is somehow scripted in my head: “oh, a top would say or do this in this situation, okay, now a top would…”

    And in the rare cases that I do switch (outside of goofy playful spank fights among my fellow bottoms) I think it comes from a bottomish place of wanting to please the other party. Interesting.

  6. carolinegrey: The term “organic” resonates with me. That’s exactly what my Toppiness is – a very natural process. Any switching I do comes from a mental exercise – a force of will to do it rather than just allowing nature to take its course. Also, what I desire as a receiver of attentions is often so specific that I must be sure I’m going to get that or I don’t do it at all.

  7. I am the eldest in my family, I am a teacher…and when people here that they think that I am a top..or at least would enjoy it that it comes naturally from me. But it doesn’t. Even the way I run my classroom is not in a dominant way…it is my way :).

    I know I am submissive by nature. I used to not even like to use that word because it tends to make people think I am weak and I am not. It just means that I enjoy giving up control…no I don’t just enjoy it…I need to do it…it is a part of me…it is the core of me…the more I explore, the more I know it is true.

    and Yes, I would agree, Rad…you are a Top…not that my opinion matters that much.

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