Mr. Toppy Top I’m Not

For my last regular article before I start reporting from the Shadow Lane party in Vegas, I want to talk about how my scene and real world persona relate to each other.

I’ve always been somewhat assertive in real life – sometimes a little too much. Over the years I’ve had to learn that there are occasions when diplomacy, negotiation and strategic retreat are more beneficial to confrontation. That’s not to say I won’t get into confrontations especially when I believe someone is mistreating me or someone close to me but I won’t seek them out.

Back in the bad old days when I was much younger and much stupider, I drank way too much for my own good. Often this drinking would lead to fights – usually started by me. There’s a scar that’s somewhat visible right between my eyes where a person broke a bottle during a bar room confrontation. It’s something I’m not proud of at all and has a lot to do with why I don’t like situations to escalate until the only option is fighting.

I relate these stories because I want to talk about the Toppiness that I exhibit during a scene and my personality at other times. When I’m in Top mode – spanking, disciplining or whatever else I’m doing – I allow that corner of me to come to the surface within the bounds of what is happening around me. If I’m going to be a disciplinarian for someone or if I’m role playing that scene, I have to exude a sense of authority that I just can’t show at other times. I can’t because I realize that in the real world, I have authority over very few people – all of them at work. It’s a very measured authority and one that they accept as assistants, part-timers or interns. They buy into it otherwise it would not be possible.

In scene life, I have whatever authority is afforded me by the person that I’m Topping. For example, if I’m Sandy’s disciplinarian, it’s only because she has agreed to that. I presume nothing based upon gender or marital roles or anything approaching the notion that “Toppiness” is something intrinsic in anyone. I’m a Top at certain times, just me at others.

I also don’t have the presumption that I see in certain Tops that they are everyone’s Top as soon as they walk into the room. By “everyone” I mean they act as if they are Topping other Tops. Acting this way, to me, is a major faux pas and not only disrespects the people who are being treated this way but shows the scene in a bad light to newcomers who are just starting to get their feet wet. That sort of behavior may work with some folks (for whatever reason) but it’s a big turn off to me.

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12 Responses to “Mr. Toppy Top I’m Not”

  1. Being a ‘Top’ is also known as an ‘Alpha’ personality such as in business or other walks of life. When you’re a peon, such as I in my working life, the ‘Top’ inside is very carefully controlled. There are many people I meet during the course of the day that need a good thrashing, but in today’s world, that doesn’t work.

    Being handed the power of the ‘Top’ by a willing ‘bottom’ is a whole ‘nother animal. Then the only thing in my mind is to subjugate the other person to my will. For me it’s not about inflicting pain, but in breaking the ‘bottom’s’ need to stay in control.

    In the outside world, what comes to mind in comparison is team sports where the coach uses discipline and drills to break the individual and mold them into a single unit. The military as well uses this and in both coaching and the military, CP is still used, although to less a degree than in the past. Being a ‘Top’ means you are in charge, period.

  2. And this is the reason I never played team sports or was in the military and probably the reason I’ve never risen above a certain level professionally – I don’t take orders well.

  3. One of my pet peeves are the tops who really think they need to be called Sir Billybob or Miss Paddles hard by everyone as an act of deferential respect. I don’t relate to that at all. I have always been on first name basis with all of the physicians I work with (except perhaps 2). I surely am not going to use a title with Sir Billybob. If I did (and could keep a straight face while doing it), it would be dripping with snarkasm.

    In a scene, this may differ, but if someone has the moon and stars hung on their own title, and this is what gives them their sense of self in the scene, this is probably someone that I won’t be playing with.

  4. Rad….YOU are assertive? lol. I can see it and this is why you are no doubt an amazing top. Can’t wait to experience your “toppiness” one of these days. Best wishes for an amazing trip to SL! Can’t wait to read your stories of the mayhem and madness!

  5. Laura: I generally don’t call people Master or Lord or Sir or any of that crap.

    Barb: You’re saying I should be asserting myself more?

  6. No Rad…..I’m saying it’s a given that you are perfect top material doll! haha.

  7. Rad: Thanks in advance for “covering” the SL event. I’ll very much look forward to your detailed and insightful “reportage.” And LauraT, I can’t agree with you more about “Tops” who think they’re the fifth head on Mt. Rushmore!

  8. Rad – I love your “Toppiness”. When you speak – I feel as though I have no choice but to listen. THAT is how I like my Tops to be (is that Topping from the bottom?). I don’t want the Top to ask me if everything is OK – I want him to take charge – and you do that. You are Very Cool.

  9. Thanks, Susan. That’s really nice of you to say. My ego thanks you as well.

  10. I do believe people can have a natural toppiness, even if they themselves don’t see it. I’m drawn to that … as long as the other qualities I like in a person are there also. Not everyone *has* to have it, but it is something I notice and respond to … oddly enough because, like you, Rad, I tend to be assertive (aggressive) in much of my real like aka work and family.

    As for the guys and gals who demand to be addressed by titles without any sort of relationship to warrant it, that seems pretty laughable to me. I think confidence, or lack of it, plays a big part in how people behave, and those who are “themselves” are the most enjoyable to be around.

  11. So should I cancel the play date I have with Sir Billybob at SL? Darn, I was so looking forward to looking at his scrapbook of Mt. Rushmore before obeying his every command with abject servility.

  12. sandy richards Says:

    Rad, you’ve hit upon something that has annoyed me for a long time – Tops and Doms and Masters who think creating a title for themselves gives them instant respect and the right to Top the whole world.

    You mentioned Tops who try to top other Tops. But I am equally annoyed by Tops who think they can top every bottom in the room. I actually look at this from the perspective of a sub/bottom. And I have no patience for Doms who think that because I may be submissive to one Dom, I’m submissive to every Dom. That’s not a sub, it’s a doormat.

    If I’m submissive to a man, it’s because he has taken the time to build a relationship with me in the scene, based on mutual respect and consent. I’m respectful and courteous to all Tops and Doms, etc., but I try to give common courtesy to all people, bottoms and subs included.

    And don’t get me started on the Masters or those who expect everyone to call them Sir. lol. If you’re doing things right, your slave should be impressed by your “Master” title. But I’m not.

    From what I’ve seen, anyone who bestows an impressive title on themselves and then swaggers around demanding respect for a title they gave to themselves, is a poser, a wannabe.

    I’ve found that the truly Toppy, Dominant men and women needn’t prove it to anyone. They are confident in their abilities and they don’t need to perform for the whole world.

    Geez Rad, you’ve got me all wound up this holiday weekend. lol.

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