Wednesday Bonus: Touching

I’ve often heard that if a woman wants you to touch her during or after a spanking, that she will make it obvious – whatever that means. But what if she makes it obvious and the spanker does not want to touch? Does that turn into an awkward or embarrassing moment for one or the other person? Is the woman wanting this “touching” going to be insulted or will she realize that the person spanking her doesn’t want to go to that level?

What’s with all this non-verbal complexity anyway?


16 Responses to “Wednesday Bonus: Touching”

  1. In the above situation, I’d define obvious as the woman opening up her legs more, thrusting her pelvis up towards the spanker or if she is really wanting to be direct, grabbing the hand of the spanker and putting it over/on/closer to the area she wants touched. Also obvious would be just verbally telling the guy either before or during that she wants that.

    Ah the joys of non verbal communicaiton. It would be awkward if either party wanted to go further, the woman seemingly putting it all out there only to have that invite rejected.

    It goes back to the communication before play time. If the couple had talked about limits/boundaries in detail, this probably would have come up. Even still, the woman may have been turned on enough where she wanted to go further.

    I think either way someone is going to get one of those “oh i can’t believe I let myself go there” moments. If he rejects her advances, she is going to maybe feel have that Matt Farley head smack moment. “I’m so stupid”
    If he is a good samaritan and goes along with the advancing he’ll have that moment when (hopefully) washing his hands. Yeah, he did a good deed, but he would rather not have.

    There is always something to learn about communication, both in ‘nilla world and spanksville.

  2. But not everyone does that. Sometimes when I’m in the SL chat and people bring up this issue, there seems to be an undercurrent to the discussion that the preferred way for a woman to convey this is non-verbally and hope the guy picks up on it. Without talking about it before hand, I don’t know how one could expect that a particular partner would even want to do something like this.

  3. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that expectations should be talked about before hand…things need to be spelled out, or someone will end up doing something or having something done to them that they don’t want to have done! Communication is key. My thoughts are that if the woman doesn’t mention that she wants touched before the scene happens, then the guy doesn’t have to touch. I’ve been on both sides, and as Laura says – Communication needs to be worked on in vanilla world and our world.

  4. I fell into this trap several years ago. Through a very random, one-time post in the sss usenet newsgroup, I met one of the most adventurous (“I’ll try anything once”) play partners of my long-since-ended, decade plus career as a spanking drone. As had often been the case, I was her first scene contact and we did some extensive exploration over a period of two wild and wonderful evenings in her home city. Unfortunately, the third night never took place. She made up some excuse about work and that was it. In e-mail a few weeks later, it turned out that (despite my having judiciously avoided any suggestion or gesture indicating a desire to have conventional sex after play) she “thought we were leading in the direction of fucking.” She went on to say that it was because I had undressed to my underwear (while she was fully nude by her own doing). In otherwords, Rad, she wanted me to be a mind-reader. KnowhatImean?

    We remained friends after that but never played again. Sex was not on the agenda for me during either of those prolonged sessions. M/F spanking and experimenting with various sex toys was what WAS on the menu. I learned a great deal from that episode, and future encounters ran far more smoothly due to refinements in pre-play communication, as suggested above by my friend LauraT (chi?) 🙂

  5. In my experience, it’s usually the bottom that is semi or completely nude. I think perhaps the stripping down to underwear by the Top sent the wrong signals to this person. However, not know this person, it’s hard for me to judge what they were thinking.

  6. Touching, sex, etc. can be such a tricky situation that I don’t want to respond to non-verbal cues. It’s all well and good to be in the heat of the moment, but those “what was I thinking” moments can cause no end of trouble for either or both parties. Maybe that takes away from the “romance” of it, but unless I get to the point where I’m playing with someone I really know well, I’ll play it safe.

  7. Shiny: Well said.

  8. FWIW, I’ve always wondered at SL chats just how “obvious” these signals are. I suppose the comedy of manners that is flirting (vanilla or otherwise) dictates that the signal has to be at least somewhat ambiguous so that the signaler’s pride remains intact if it isn’t acknowledged.

  9. Indy: Then again, I have no doubt that there must be some women out there who are a little more forward about it.

    “Hey, would you f*cking touch me already? What do you want…an ingraved invite?”

  10. Since I’m married, I’d like everyone but my husband to assume I’m not going to want sexual play. I think playing with a married person is one of those situations where you BETTER have a pre-play conversation. Rad and I have degrees of what’s okay and not okay. I’m usually excited during a spanking. That doesn’t always mean sexually excited. Of course, sometimes it does, but I usually don’t do anything about those feelings with the majority of my play partners. So, sure, I may be sending out “nonverbal” cues. But you still need to ask me before you go beyond the spanking.

  11. What Sandy said. Just because I’m aroused from a spanking doesn’t mean I actually *want* a new play partner to DO anything except smile, pat or rub a little to offer comfort, whisper a few words in my ear and let me up. Anything other than that needs to be clarified ahead of time.

    Of course, like everything else, mileage varies with the relationship and accepted practices. So what’s appropriate for Top A might not be appropriate for Top B. And how will Top B know to keep his hands to himself? Well, he should ask.

    Non-verbal cues are great when they are within the parameters of an established relationship/friendship. Otherwise, they can be misread and we shouldn’t rely on them.


  12. Anonymous Says:

    OK – Sandy and Sparkle are married to men who scratch their itch…what about those of us who are married and DON’T have the itch scratched…maybe we want to be touched in an anonymous way – which I know isn’t any help – but DANG – sometimes we just want to feel like we are viable, bona-fide women…and in our defense, we usually seek out unmarried, unattached single men to “scratch the itch”.

  13. Anonymous: Personally, I don’t judge what other people do with their own bodies nor whom they do it with. If you find people who are willing to “scratch your itch” then have at it.

  14. Oh Wow Rad…..yeah…I would definitely communicate ahead of time – especially since a lot of tops ARE married and/or attached to others. I would want to make especially sure what rules the top had about this ahead of time…and that certainly would give me the opportunity to bow out. I usually tend to pick tops that don’t mind “touching” because for me…that is the icing on the cake. I can see how this could be potentially awkward.

  15. In the end, I’m all about averting disaster in any scene I participate.

  16. I have never had that conversation that I can recall, but I have played sexually with some people and not with others. Either the body language thing works way better than we are giving it credit for, or I’ve been incredibly lucky. The few times someone has tried to “go there” and I didn’t welcome it, well, there are things a person can do to make access more difficult. If that doesn’t work, I just said no. No harm, no foul.

    I had a SL friend who I’ve played with many, many times ask me “is there anywhere I can’t touch you”, before the start of a session. I liked that. But I already knew him.

    I’m not sure how the conversation would go otherwise. What exactly do people say to one another? If you ask me ahead of time, I’m pretty sure I won’t be in the mood! Get me in the mood and then ask me. That, by the way, was not a challenge nor an invitation. Just saying…

    There is a lot to be said for chemistry.

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