Communicating Change

Even couples with rules need change every once in a while.

During spanking play or those times in the bedroom, partners sometimes have difficulty asking for what they want. However, I think that eventually things do get said and often it all works out in the end. It may be tough getting there for some but I think that accepting our kinks have probably made it easier for us to be honest without a great fear of embarrassment. What I’m asking is if being in the scene, rather than just playing with one person, has changed your outlook on spanking enough to make you want to try things differently than you and your partner have done – especially when it comes to playing with others.

If you want to do a scene with someone that you’ve mostly done with your partner, would you be afraid that their feelings would get hurt if they knew? Do you go ahead with it anyway without letting them know or do you decline from exploring because you’re afraid what it will do to your partner’s feelings? Is there a point when you have to simply say that your partner is a grown-up and should not be treated as if they are emotionally fragile?

Sandy and I have been pretty open with each other from the beginning. That’s not to say that there haven’t been times when tempers or egos have not erupted between us. Both of us have had moments where we’ve confronted things like jealousy but have always been able to come to some agreement. For my part, I have to say that what makes my jealous moments pass is my conviction that Sandy has a right to do what she wants within certain boundaries that we’ve set for our marriage – I’m sure she feels the same way. We both have had morphing desires and interests in the spanking scene and have always conveyed to the other person what it is we would like to do. Sandy has developed a healthy desire to Top in her Ms. Cassandra persona and I’ve been getting more and more comfortable with playing with lots of other people in a variety of play styles. We’ve grown as participants in the scene and have developed a considerable trust in the other person to do things their way without fear that something “bad” will happen. We enjoy each other tremendously and are both confident that just because a person adds to their menu of desires or wants, it won’t mean a change in what is most fundamental to it all: Us.

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9 Responses to “Communicating Change”

  1. You have raised some great thinking points Rad. I think variety is the spice of life….and if jealousy arises…then rules need to be discussed and maybe readjusted. This is the blessing that comes with being in the scene with a partner who is also in the scene. Those of us that don’t have a partner in the scene have to kind of make up our own rules and figure out what’s okay and what’s not okay…..and hope it all turns out right. The biggest key for me…when playing with a partner who is married…..is asking about and respecting THEIR rules……

    Great blog…..

  2. Barb: Great point from that perspective. Respecting the rules of the married/partnered person you’re playing with.

  3. Barbie does raise a good issue for me since I am married and although I spank my wife, it is not something she partakes in because she likes it. On the contrary, there is no pleasure in being spanked for her.

    If I/we were ever to take part in the scene in any way, then the rules would have to be very conservative at first. My wife is quite vanilla but that doesn’t mean I don’t love her or would ever want to hurt her. Well, that’s not true, spankings are supposed to hurt, but it’s all about deterrence and domestic discipline with her. She wants to be spanked, or the threat of being spanked, so that she can be happier and meet her personal goals.

    It takes an effort for her not to be jealous about my desires to spank other women for pleasure and it took a long time for us to be comfortable in communicating my needs. I would spank others without any qualms, but my wife has the veto. That’s my decision because after 21 years of marriage she has the right to want me for herself.

    Our rules are flexible to a degree, but talking about spanking others is not the same as actually spanking others. We’ll see what the future brings.

  4. Brian: Having been married for less than two years, my perspective is, of course, somewhat different. From the beginning, I realized that my wife had had many years in the scene before I came along. I thought it would be rather unfair if I said to her, “From now on, I’m it and that’s that” – I didn’t think that would be right.

    She and I enjoy playing with each other and with others but that’s just us.

  5. Being married to a vanilla who has no interest in the scene, I find it so gratifying to know that there are actual married couples who incorporate spanking into their lives. Brian, vanilla or not, it is so amazing that your wife wants DD. It’s something I’ve thought about my whole married life (28 yrs), and it’s just not in the cards.
    I know you all (you and your wife, and Sandy and Rad) appreciate what you have – I think it is awesome.

  6. Good question. Sounds like it comes down to the same three things that rule relationships: trust, respect, and communication. I think you’re right about the accepting kink/honesty connection – after you’ve come clean with yourself and others about such an “unusual” interest it makes it easier to bring up other fantasies/scenarios.

  7. Shiny: Like I told myself from my first day “out” in the scene – in for a penny, in for a pound.

  8. Floyd and I started out our “coupleship” with one set of parameters, which have continued to change over time. Any change to the initial framework is made together, and some changes are contingent on situation and person, i.e. you can go there with this person, but it’s a one time/person thing.

    Our bottom line is similar to your last line. We are as open as we, together, feel comfortable with, but the bottom line is that nothing is allowed to change the fundamental priority: us.

  9. dawna: It’s always a tough call especially when at least one of the people in a relationship is intractable. I consider myself lucky to have Sandy as a wife because we do our best to keep the lines of communication open.

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