Centers of Attention

Human nature is a funny thing – less funny when it interferes with the community.

Let’s face it, most people want to be the center of attention if only for a little while. To have people enjoy your company and treat you as if you’re special is a wonderful feeling that I think everyone should experience every now and then. However, it is not an entitlement no matter who you are in the scene.

I think there is a terrible problem with certain people in the overall spanking scene who see themselves as special or as priviledged and demand to be treated that way by everyone. Surprisingly, it could be anyone at all. Whether they are organizers, producers, actresses/models, bloggers, vendors or simply members of the scene itself, all of these folks can fall into the trap of thinking they are more important than they are.

That’s not to say certain people don’t deserve respect – everyone deserves to be respected. However, no one is given the right to dictate anything to anyone regarding the way we do things, where we go, who we associate with, etcetera. It is more than presumptuous to think that your word carries farther than a tight circle around yourself. That said, it is entirely appropriate to set up rules within the area you directly control. If I own a store, that store will have certain clearly posted rules that I expect customers and employees to follow. But it isn’t my right to set up rules that carry over to other establishments or into the lives of my customers/employees once the leave the four walls of my store.

No one has the right to think they are by their very nature better than anyone else. Personally, I try very hard not to be an elitist and sometimes fail miserably at it. This only means I have to redouble my efforts. As a member of the scene who is (obviously) vocal about things, I nevertheless don’t have any expectation that anything I say is more than the opinion of one person. You may agree or disagree with anything I say but it doesn’t change the fact that any “rule” or opinion carries little weight.

I know I’m not being specific and that’s by design. It’s not my intention to call anyone out because these behaviors are nearly universally seen across a wide swath of the scene. I think it’s quite awful that after the internal struggle people went through to finally explore their desires, there are those among us that would make them feel bad about being themselves.

Next article, coming later today, will be on a more positive note.


13 Responses to “Centers of Attention”

  1. TVisiting Says:

    Just how big IS this scene? I count:
    – a few small social clubs s p r e a d out over America,
    – some sort of “sex club” in NYC,
    – performers who promote their work with blogs but know they’re not likely to see any of their visitors face to face or ever be recognized on the street,
    – some serious forums such as this where people correspond but don’t meet, – the-credit-card-companies-know-how-many purchasers of videos, who are happy to keep it to themselves.

  2. I see know of a scene of quite a good number of people who know each other and meet on a regular basis – some of them professional in the scene who either provide services or are actors/producers/writers. I certainly think the number of people who are aficionados but never venture out of their own lives is larger but that seems to be changing (for the better, IMHO).

  3. TVisiting Says:

    If you are meeting professionals in the scene, then aren’t you talking about a private scene you’re a member of, rather than the overall scene?

    And speaking of the above scene – The pros all seem to claim that they are “players” but I think that they just say that as part of their public character. Many may have started as that, but many more see it as an income.

    I can’t imagine that the neighbors of the woman with the baseball cap in Philadelphia know she’s Pixie, or that there are many people who read the article in New York Magazine about Eve.

  4. radagast Says:

    I’m not quite sure I understand what you’re saying 100% as it relates to the original article.

    As for pros (whatever they do): I think a good number of the ones who engage in it or produce material for it are people who are very much into the lifestyle. I don’t really think there’s so much money to be made in spanking videos that it would draw that many non-enthusiasts to the genre. I’d imagine that there’s a lot more to be made, especially if you’re female, in traditional porn.

    As for recognizability of people in the scene – I was referring more to within the the confines of the scene itself rather than to the outside or vanilla world. I imagine most people who come in contact with these folks have no clue what they engage in the same way I have no clue what the people living in my building really do behind closed doors.

    I’m trying to understand your point so if you could clarify, I’d appreciate it.

  5. Within the scene or not, I alternate between irritation and sympathy (maybe pity’s a better word) when I meet the “center of the universe” folks. They can certainly ruin a party, vacation, office environment for others and if they move from histrionic attention-seeking to narcissistic dictator they set my teeth on edge. We used to have one in my office – until she finally spun so out of control that the bosses had to get rid of her. What struck me (while I joined in a chorus of “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”) was that I also felt sorry for this lady: she was (I have no doubt still is) so busy trying to keep the world spinning around HER that she completely missed out on tons of opportunities and, in doing so, ruined things for herself as well as everyone else.

  6. radagast Says:

    Shiny: Good observations.

  7. In any social situation, it seems like there is always a “Look at me, I’m Important!” person.

    My ex husband was one of those (one of the many reasons he is my “ex” husband.) He had a skillful way asking you a question just so he could twist the conversation back to be about him. Or if there was a conversation already in progress, he would interject… “I had that happen to me.. blah blah…” And completely take over. It got to the point I didn’t want to venture out socially at all for fear of the embarrassment of being with him.

    My ex was also quite the control control freak and I think this had a lot to do with it. (He’s the one that introduced me to bondage scene, go figure.)

    I think most people like him are good people. They just require and MUST have validation from other people because they are not happy with themselves. I used to get angry, but now he’s no longer in my life, I just kind of pity him.

  8. These people defiitely exist in the scene and sometimes they even fluorish there. I sometimes think that I attract these people in my life. My therapist has told me that I do because I know how to give them what they want…learned at a very young age from my dear mother. But at the same time, I can get resentful of it. I can see how that desire of being the center of attention really can affect many aspects of their life.

    Conversely it so irritates me…I tend to go all the way to the other side and try to hide away and never be seen. And that isn’t good either.

  9. bella: I don’t know the reason some people need so much validation but I suppose they do. I think it goes beyond merely promoting yourself and into the realm of acting as if you’re something you’re not. As long as there are a few who treat you special, the rest simply have to put up with the obnoxiousness or just move away – quickly.

  10. I haven’t been to an SL party for years (about 9) and I am always trying to go back. I’m saddened to hear the egos running amuck in the scene; I always felt I took a cue from meeting, first thing, Eve Howard when I entered the Riviera Hotel in Palm Springs and treated everyone with respect, whether we played or not. And, on a very memorable Sunday night, about 18 of us crossed the street to a restaurant and were seated at a long dining table. We ate and conversed for over two hours and I was so impressed with how many articulate professionals were in attendance…Then, 90 minutes later I was spanking a California girl inside a suite of mostly men and while I’m a confident, outgoing guy, my first impression of this blonde, tan woman on Friday night had been that, as a single guy who didn’t know anyone, I would not be spanking that pert young bottom. Rad, I hope there are some more of the reasonable, less egocentric people like the ones I met, still in the SL galaxy. Certainly, with Eve and Tony you have great examples of how to interact and behave at these functions. Steven in Chicago

  11. Steven: You have to eventually get to a place within yourself where you can interact with people of your choosing in the way you want and not worry about what the egotists are up to. For the most part, I’m amused by their antics which have little to do with my own personal enjoyment.

  12. Tx. Maybe you can answer a question, if it’s appropriate. Jennifer Brooks, once a bottom, has made all these tapes of topping. She speaks often and enthusiastically on the SL bulletin board of her S. California (?) lifestyle and boyfriend and surfing etc. She also speaks of spanking and I guess many of you know the answer of whether she lives the life of a top or of a bottom in her committed relationship. Just curious…

  13. Steven: The only knowledge I have of her comes from what she writes. As far as I’ve read, she is a bottom in her personal relationships.

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